To not even try to breastfeed second baby

[Blahh243]

Hello, just looking for some thoughts as I'm a bit lost here.

I'm currently 25 weeks pregnant and have a 3 year old. With ds1 I was completely determined to exclusively breastfeed him. It didn't go that well. He had colic and reflux, was on the breast 24 hours and I ended up resenting the whole experience. My husband, a great partner generally, wasn't supportive during that time. He insisted I "try harder" and give him what's "best" for him. I had PND and I believe the problems with nursing contributed to it greatly. I felt like shit about myself and thought I was a terrible mum since there are millions of mums out there who did it for their children, so why couldn't I? I toughened it up and nursed him until he was 18 months. At that point I developed severe breastfeeding aversion to the point I cried every time he asked to nurse, and then weaned him which was EXTREMELY difficult for him. He still asks if he can put his hands down my shirt before he goes to bed!

So anyways, when we planned this pregnancy I thought I'd be ready to try again and get it right this time. WRONG. I still feel my skin crawling at the thought of another little human being feeding off of me. So I had a long honest chat with dh about my feelings about everything. He apologized and said he didn't realized the whole thing was very distressing for me and that he'd be more supportive this time. I know what I want and it's not breastfeeding. But I also feel like a shit mom for deciding this early on not to. The guilt is terrible here.

I'd really appreciate any words of wisdom. Has anyone been through a similar experience? What were your choices and how did they make you feel?

YANBU at all. I had an absolutely hideous BF experience with my first. I would go as far as saying it ruined my first 3 months with her. I chose not to even try with my second and I was so, so much happier. It’s not for everyone.

Yanbu at all! Formula isn’t poison and it feeds millions of perfectly healthy babies.

I didn’t attempt to breastfeed my first 3 children. I mean, I did in hospital for the first feed but after that I gave them all bottles. I felt no guilt whatsoever because I knew they were being fed adequately and I enjoyed giving them bottles anyway.

My 4th baby, I decided to breastfeed because I just wanted to. So I did. But I could have easily chosen bottles again and that would have been ok too.

Your body, your choice. FF is perfectly fine, all formulas have to be made to certain standards to be the best for baby (regardless of price). BF is advertised as best, if it's what's best for Mum. If it's not best for you then it's not best for baby. Baby will pick up on your stress and it's just not worth it. If you feel like you'd like to maybe express your colostrum that would be great, but even then, don't force it. Go with what feels natural for you and your baby. For what it's worth, my sister was exclusively BF and my Mum hated it so I was FF from day 1. My sister was such a sickly kid, and I rarely got ill...so I really think it's somewhat luck of the draw.

I never breastfed any of my 3 and never regretted it for a minute.

They're all very healthy 27, 20 and 17 year olds now.

Do whatever suits you.

@Blahh243 I couldn't bf my first dd as she was tube fed but tried with my second. I lasted 24 hours before I started to dread her waking up. With my 3rd dd I decided to use bottles from the beginning, best thing I ever did. She was happy and content, I was relaxed because I could see how much she was drinking and hubby could help with night feeds when not working. I know they say breastfeeding is best but sometimes it's just not right for some people! Go with what you feel lost comfortable with. Just a word of warning - you will get every lecture under the sun so if you decide on bottle feeding be prepared for the onslaught of advice 🙄

I didn’t breastfeed my second child. I did my first and loved it. However I damaged my pituitary with the second birth. So didn’t produce the hormone needed for feeding.

It didn’t make the slightest difference. Apart from it wasn’t so easy. Having to sterilise and make bottles

I say fed is best. If your mental health is going to suffer. Then don’t do it.

Your child. Your choice. I wish you all the luck in the world.

They’ve also done studies now. Where women with PND. Don’t make the hormone oxytocin. Which means their babies don’t produce oxytocin.

They are doing a study in Israel where they give women oxytocin to take in the form of a nasal spray. (The uk don’t prescribe oxytocin. The USA does however to people who are pan hypopiturism). Someone above said about the baby picking up the stress and it’s true. Or so they think. The study is still ongoing.

Would you consider setting a target of feeding for 3 days, so your baby gets the vital first few days of colostrum to kick-start its immune system?

Colostrum is beneficial but it's not vital

I bf my first for 18 months and my second for 6 weeks. I do have a bigger age gap so had school runs, dogs to walk and washings to do plus clubs to take older child to. It just wasn't possible to sit on the couch for 2 hours while baby fed on and off. I did it for 5 weeks while I recovered from the section and stopped. I don't regret stopping for a minute.

Baby is 9 months old and doing fine as am I.

Do what's best for you OP. My dc1 ended up going straight to scbu for a few days, I didn't want to pump so I never even tried bf. We had such a wonderful time with him as a newborn, I can honestly say I enjoyed every minute. I didn't envy the women in my mother's group who described endless suffering - bleeding nipples, mastitis, cluster feeding etc. The baby was so content and healthy*. So I don't regret this at all. I'm now expecting dc2 and I plan to do the same.

• Not saying this was due to ff, it's just a coincidence of course

Before anyone says I'm a troll/man/evil/nestle shrill, I'm not against bf at all. Bf is really wonderful but it just isn't for me.

You can hand express your colostrum from the third trimester. Speak to your midwife and she should be able to provide Feeding syringes and instructions in how to do it. Until your milk comes in just inject that into the baby’s mouth every time they need to feed (supplementing with formula from a cup). Then once your milk comes in decide if you want to feed or not and how. If you absolutely don’t want the baby on breast but expressing has worked okay, you could express the milk and feed baby via bottle.

Choose what is best for your family. If breastfeeding makes you tired and irritable then it's not best. Don't let people fool you with the old Breast is Best argument! It's more important that your child get sufficient nourishment and that you are as calm and relaxed as you can be. Good luck.

I breast fed my first and it hurt so badly, I was crying and I quit.
My second was guzzling gallons of milk from seconds old, the rest followed suit.
I think it depends on the baby. My first couldn't latch and I didn't know where to go to for support, my second just got it and I have been breast feeding for 5 years straight.

Give it a day or 2 I would say, if you get a latcher your'e sorted. If not, it isn't the end of the world. Although the benefits of breastfeeding can be amazing, they can also be terrible. I would always try though, it's a 50/50 chance they'll latch without help,

I bfed all of mine till around 18 months and it’s not a ‘beautiful journey/special time/amazing bonding experience’ etc.
It’s just about what works best for each child, mother and family situation.

It honestly doesn’t matter, what you feed them as long as they thrive.

What does matter is having parents who are not broken by living up to unreasonable expectations and a happy household.
Feed your babies in the way that works best for you and your family.

If that is how it has made you feel, I don't blame you. Put it in large letters on your birth plan that you do not want to discuss BF, get yourself kitted out ready for FF & take some ready done packs of bottles & milk in your hospital bag. Nobody should have the right to decide what you do with your body.

I have bf my 3 but witnessed first hand how guilt over bf can cause PND (my relative). You decide how you want to feed your baby. Babies want happy mums and to be fed. YANBU.

I breastfed dc for a total of 5 years

@Iggii I'm in awe! I hope to get to that point.

You successfully bf for 18 months, that's a huge achievement. No you don't have to bf DC2. However DC2 might have none of the issues DC1 had. They might latch right away, no reflux etc. It might be super easy and you yourself might be in a different place mentally which means you feel differently about it when DC2 arrives.

I bf DC1 and it's only now DC2 is here I realise what a challenge DC1 was - poor latch, reflux, colic, slept in 20 min blocks, fed constantly. DC2 is 2wks old and a piece of utter piss in comparison. Latched on right away, nipples sore for 1 week only, sleeps 2-3h between feeds, no reflux!

So there is hope your bf journey with DC2 could be totally positive. You aren't wrong to consider ff though.

I recommend a book called Smart Mothering by Dr Natalie Flynn. It has a section on breastfeeding which is surprising and illuminating. It’s basically a literature review of the best available evidence on the effects of breastfeeding. If you are concerned about your baby missing out on health benefits it should make you feel a whole lot better.

You are not unreasonable not to try. However for myself and a number of others I know, we were able to easily breastfeed the second time after not being able to the first time. There is often lots of talk of “choosing to bf” or “being able to” but the individual baby’s physiology has a lot to do with it too. My second child just knew what to do and had the anatomy to do it. So maybe give it a go but with no pressure on yourself? Your husband also needs a firm talking to....

Bottle fed both mine dd2 and dd2weeks old. Didn't even try to BF and both thriving. It's a personal choice and fed is best. Don't allow anyone to pressure you into to it. Happy ly mummy equals happy baby x

I said I would try BF but as the birth drew closer I was less and less keen on it. When I was in having DD I had no offers of BF support (no one even mentioned it until I said to the midwife on discharge!) and to be honest after an emcs and considerable blood loss I just didn't have the energy anyway.

DH had been keen for me to give it a go which is one of the reasons on day 3 I spoke to the midwife and she recommended we brought DD to the local MLU at the next feed. After watching a starving DD repeatedly latching and coming off the breast in hysterics for three hours, he was happy to stick with FF. I was producing loads so expressed a bit, but it got to the stage that the smell of the warm milk on me and the constant leaking through clothing just made me feel sick. No-one told me how messy it was (thank god for lanisol breast pads, I pissed through reusables) or that I might have that reaction to it.

I have zero regrets. Breast milk is wonderful stuff, but so is a well rested and happy mother who doesn't see feeding as a battleground. There's no need to make any decisions now- be kind to yourself and make the choice that is right for you.

Fed baby is best. That’s it. Good luck and in this case put your mental health first as you can’t pour from and empty cup.

Yanbu. But I don't think you have a BF problem, you have a DH problem. He had no right to tell you you weren't trying hard enough.

Don't breastfeed if you don't bloody want to. THAT IS IT!
Your choice .