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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not even try to breastfeed second baby

168 replies

Blahh243 · 29/11/2019 23:11

Hello, just looking for some thoughts as I'm a bit lost here.

I'm currently 25 weeks pregnant and have a 3 year old. With ds1 I was completely determined to exclusively breastfeed him. It didn't go that well. He had colic and reflux, was on the breast 24 hours and I ended up resenting the whole experience. My husband, a great partner generally, wasn't supportive during that time. He insisted I "try harder" and give him what's "best" for him. I had PND and I believe the problems with nursing contributed to it greatly. I felt like shit about myself and thought I was a terrible mum since there are millions of mums out there who did it for their children, so why couldn't I? I toughened it up and nursed him until he was 18 months. At that point I developed severe breastfeeding aversion to the point I cried every time he asked to nurse, and then weaned him which was EXTREMELY difficult for him. He still asks if he can put his hands down my shirt before he goes to bed!

So anyways, when we planned this pregnancy I thought I'd be ready to try again and get it right this time. WRONG. I still feel my skin crawling at the thought of another little human being feeding off of me. So I had a long honest chat with dh about my feelings about everything. He apologized and said he didn't realized the whole thing was very distressing for me and that he'd be more supportive this time. I know what I want and it's not breastfeeding. But I also feel like a shit mom for deciding this early on not to. The guilt is terrible here.

I'd really appreciate any words of wisdom. Has anyone been through a similar experience? What were your choices and how did they make you feel?

OP posts:
Answerthequestion · 30/11/2019 22:16

I bf eldest for a week. Was a total nightmare, 2nd for 3 months of mixed feeding and 3rd 6 months of EBF. Didnt enjoy it at all and would do formula from day 1 if there was ever a 4th, which there won’t be.

Eldest is 17, all 9’s and 8’s in GCSE, strapping 6ft tall, fit, healthy and gorgeous. No idea how his friends were fed, never been discussed but I’d lay money mostly formula. They’re all perfect! Mental health trumps everything, formula is a valid option

yesteaandawineplease · 30/11/2019 22:23

@21JacobReesClunge I'm not trying to talk the op into it. she's asked question and just because I've given an alternative answer to others doesn't make it an inappropriate response.

my interpretation of her story is that she had pdn and felt unsupported when she had her first baby. babies are hard work, a huge life adjustment, cry , can be coliky and unsettled however they are fed. and the nursing aversion aspect might be fairly easily sorted.

women often say that they don't feel there is enough knowledge or support for breastfeeding. so here I am; supporting and giving information.

JacobReesClunge · 30/11/2019 22:28

Your post was very clearly trying to talk the OP into it yesteandawine: own that. You literally suggested she do it, offered anecdotes in support and talked about problems she might have if she didn't. And it was inappropriate.

ostritch · 30/11/2019 22:34

A perfectly valid reason not to breastfeed - or express - is if if the mother doesn't want to for any reason.

Nothing more than that needs to be said.

PerpetualCircle · 30/11/2019 23:04

Do what’s best for you. I was also a wreck when breastfeeding, literally felt like the life was being sucked out of me due to a very hungry DS.
I think the pressure put on mums to breastfeed is ridiculous. I do so wish the emphasis of post natal care was focussed more on the mother and child, rather than the ‘ baby comes first ‘ model .
Perhaps this is why rates of PND are so high in UK ?

yesteaandawineplease · 30/11/2019 23:05

@28JacobReesClunge

"own it" 😂

don't see how my post is any more inappropriate than anyone offering their view point, advice or experience. my guess is that you perceive my post that way simply for offering a pro breastfeeding stance.

IrishMamaMia · 30/11/2019 23:17

Breastfeeding is wonderful thing but isn't for every mum or baby and that's okay.
I went through a similar decision recently and although I grieve the idealised breastfeeding relationship, formula is fine and we're thriving.

IrishMamaMia · 30/11/2019 23:28

@PerpetualCircle I agree about pressure on new mums, particularly first-timers. It's well-meaning from the NHS and other agencies but you have to find your own path for yourself and your babies.

Cremebrule · 30/11/2019 23:29

Maybe see how you feel once the baby is here. You might feel differently or you might not. I really struggled with no.1 and said I’d never put myself or another baby through the upset again. With no.2 I took formula and decided I’d try but not place any pressure on myself. If it worked better, great. If not, I knew the baby would have something. After night one, no.2 has destroyed my nipples, failed to feed and the midwife was quite surprised how damaged I was. I think they are different with second or more babies and don’t try to pressure you either way. I decided then and there id express for as long as I could. I struggled to produce enough milk to do it for long but I was pleased she’d had at least some breast milk in the early weeks.

JacobReesClunge · 01/12/2019 08:31

Yes I can well believe you don't see it yesteandawineplease. It shines out from your post that you perceive breastfeeding as the most important thing and thus for some reason think it's acceptable to try and talk a woman into it who suffered so much last time.

Parker231 · 01/12/2019 08:39

I didn’t bf at all - never wanted to. DC’s are prefect healthy so it hasn’t affected them at all. When you hear about people being in pain, distressed about giving enough milk, guilty about stopping and tied to the baby for hours, I know I made the right decision for me and our family.

AxeOfKindness · 01/12/2019 13:17

OP, you may find the Expecting Science blog quite an interesting read re which claimed benefits of breastfeeding are actually backed up by robust research (spoiler - not many). Again, I say this as someone who has ebf and mixed fed and really enjoyed breastfeeding so I have no axe to grind here.

Vikingess · 01/12/2019 16:39

Agree you should totally do what is best for you but I would have found ff too much like hard work! Great to avoid sterilising bottles, getting up in the night to warm feeds etc. Bit difficult in the beginning but so easy to stuff ds up my jumper wherever we were without any preplanning.

Parker231 · 01/12/2019 17:44

@PepePig - your post of yesterday at 21.59 is perfect and exactly right - thank you

yesteaandawineplease · 01/12/2019 19:48

@Blahh243

I just wanted to come back to this tonight (if you're still reading) as I've been thinking about it a bit today. In particular whether my posts came across as I meant them. (I'm new to bfing support and am learning how to express my responses) So I wanted to clarify it definately wasn't my intention to try and convince you to bf if you really dont want to. its absolutely your body and your choice. and I don't think that bf is the most important thing in the world as a pp said.

I ff my first dc after a disastrous start to bfing. after that experience, what is important to me, is supporting women to make informed choices and to meet their own breastfeeding goals.(I trained as a peer supporter after successfully feeding dc2&3 myself through a rough start with dc2)

on reading your post I wondered whether breastfeeding was really at the heart of your issues or whether it was the lack of support etc. breasfeeding rates are so low in this country. obviously that is a very complex issue, but I think a big part of it is that cultural and societal norms are not based on breasfeeding mums and babies. therefore when you breastfeed if something isn't going as well as it might, breasfeeding is blamed, and often that's not going to fix the heart of the issue.

I also thought that breasfeeding must have been important to you if you breastfed your first for 18 months. so I just was offering some questions/support in that vain. I really didn't intend for it to seem like pressure or anything. its really hard to get tone across and say everything you're thinking in a short post.

whatever you decide will be right for you, your baby and family. all the best with your pregnacy and beyond.

AxeOfKindness · 01/12/2019 21:36

@yesteaandawineplease I just wanted to say I think it's really nice that you came back and clarified, and that you cared enough to be thinking about it during the day.

I did read the first part of your first post as seeming to be pushing for breastfeeding but I noticed at the end of it that you were also supportive of using formula so I think it was probably just a case of reading all the way to the end of it!

AxeOfKindness · 01/12/2019 21:36

@yesteaandawineplease I just wanted to say I think it's really nice that you came back and clarified, and that you cared enough to be thinking about it during the day.

I did read the first part of your first post as seeming to be pushing for breastfeeding but I noticed at the end of it that you were also supportive of using formula so I think it was probably just a case of reading all the way to the end of it!

yesteaandawineplease · 01/12/2019 22:17

@36AxeOfKindness

thanks for saying that I really appreciate it. as I said I'm learning and sometimes i find it is difficult to condense everything I want to say and get the right tone in a written post Smile

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