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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not even try to breastfeed second baby

168 replies

Blahh243 · 29/11/2019 23:11

Hello, just looking for some thoughts as I'm a bit lost here.

I'm currently 25 weeks pregnant and have a 3 year old. With ds1 I was completely determined to exclusively breastfeed him. It didn't go that well. He had colic and reflux, was on the breast 24 hours and I ended up resenting the whole experience. My husband, a great partner generally, wasn't supportive during that time. He insisted I "try harder" and give him what's "best" for him. I had PND and I believe the problems with nursing contributed to it greatly. I felt like shit about myself and thought I was a terrible mum since there are millions of mums out there who did it for their children, so why couldn't I? I toughened it up and nursed him until he was 18 months. At that point I developed severe breastfeeding aversion to the point I cried every time he asked to nurse, and then weaned him which was EXTREMELY difficult for him. He still asks if he can put his hands down my shirt before he goes to bed!

So anyways, when we planned this pregnancy I thought I'd be ready to try again and get it right this time. WRONG. I still feel my skin crawling at the thought of another little human being feeding off of me. So I had a long honest chat with dh about my feelings about everything. He apologized and said he didn't realized the whole thing was very distressing for me and that he'd be more supportive this time. I know what I want and it's not breastfeeding. But I also feel like a shit mom for deciding this early on not to. The guilt is terrible here.

I'd really appreciate any words of wisdom. Has anyone been through a similar experience? What were your choices and how did they make you feel?

OP posts:

Nodancingshoes · 30/11/2019 12:03

Tried to breastfeed my first ds and stopped after spending those precious first few days in tears struggling to feed him with little support. When ds2 was born, I tried once and then went to bottles. I just didn't want to go down that road again. I never ever felt any pressure or judgement from anyone - not the nurses, midwife's or anyone else. Tbh they were so busy on the maternity ward that I think they were pleased to have one person not to worry about...Fed is best

Rainbowtheunicorn · 30/11/2019 12:12

I think you should wait and see. This baby hopefully won’t have colic or reflux.

I also think going to 18 months might have been part of the problem. I stopped at 14 months because it was getting to be draining and I wasn’t enjoying it anymore.

If you did 6 months or a year with a big of combi feeding it will be easily to wean. It’s completely your choice but it doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

Rainbowtheunicorn · 30/11/2019 12:14

I also think it’s a shame to read how many gave up after a few days because they had no support. With DD I hated it for the first week or two, it was sore but then it got so much easier. It helped I had friends who told me this was normal. I think we need to be more realistic and set expectations around breastfeeding in the early days.

WeShouldOpenABar · 30/11/2019 12:18

I plan to do a minimum amount of bf on my second, just until I feel I can with no pressure.
I'm lazy and bottles are a faff so that's a reason to try but I am already all touched out by my toddler. I fed him for six months alongside constant hand wringing from the health nurses about centiles but without actuall help so that just led to me getting depressed.
I'm already fragile I need to protect my mental health for the good of all of us including the new baby.

TheCraicDealer · 30/11/2019 12:28

The fact you've to wash and sterilise bottles isn't an issue for me. They go in the steriliser after the dishwasher and stay in there ready to use when they're needed. More importantly It's not just "my" job- you can't delegate breastfeeding. DH does his share of making up bottles and getting up for night feeds which saved my sanity in the early days. Still does in fact- I need my sleep!

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 30/11/2019 12:38

I think all the people saying "see how you feel when the baby's here" are missing the point slightly, although I do see where you're coming from. OP is clearly very distressed by the prospect of BF, so much so that it's already making her very anxious. So a "wait and see" approach is likely to result in her spending the rest of her pregnancy worrying about BF. Also, it's not easy to know how you feel when you've just given birth. After a three day labour with DC1 I could barely remember my own name let alone make a rational decision as to how I felt about such an emotive subject! "See how you feel" also means that OP will be agonising over the decision at a potentially very vulnerable time, when she is more likely to be pressured into doing something she really doesn't want to do.

OP, it seems very clear from your post that you do not want to breastfeed and that's perfectly fine. So my advice would be to decide now that you are giving yourself permission to formula feed, make your peace with it and move onto enjoying the rest of your pregnancy. Hand express some colostrum into syringes and freeze it closer to the birth if it'll make you feel better but if you don't your baby will be absolutely fine. Don't spend the next 20 weeks agonising over this when deep down you know what you really want. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

90schic · 30/11/2019 12:42

Not unreasonable at all. If you hate it, don’t do it. You want to enjoy your baby and bond with them, you don’t need to BF to do that!! Let go of the guilt OP. it’s such a waste of emotion. Be happy your pregnant and confident of your choice to formula feed. Your baby and you will be better off for it xxxx

DamnitCharlie · 30/11/2019 12:47

This is so refreshing to hear after all the pressure to breastfeed I've experienced! Trying to breastfeed and express for the first few days made me feel like absolute shit as I was unable to. I did breastfeed for 12 months in the end. I'm now having nightmares about breastfeeding baby no. 2, I have no idea what to do but I hope if I decide not to breastfeed I'll be guilt free about it!

hopelesssuitcase · 30/11/2019 13:59

Do remember Dammitcharlie that your milk isn't in for the first few days, so it is just a case of endless sucking to stimulate it, with almost unnoticeable amounts of colostrum coming out. Then a whoosh in a few days, hopefully.

AxeOfKindness · 30/11/2019 15:13

Handhold OP. Of course it's fine and if course you're not a shit mum for not doing something you strongly suspect will make you miserable.

Your little ones need a happy, healthy mum more than they need breastfeeding in my opinion and I say that as someone who has breastfed and surprised myself by enjoying it before going mixed because my ravenous little bub was happier when there was a bottle option for when I ran out (rather than getting upset desperately trying to nurse to tell my body he needed more NOW!)

I hope you know that most decent people wouldn't judge however you feed your child no matter what they do themselves, partly because it's none of their business and partly because they'll know they have no idea of the backstory or reasons for your choice.

Be kind to yourself (and send your DH round for a swift kick up the backside from me if he ever implies you just need to 'try harder' again!)

DamnitCharlie · 30/11/2019 16:40

I'm aware of how colostrum works and when your milk comes in.

Darbs76 · 30/11/2019 17:01

See how you feel when baby is here but don’t put yourself through it if you feel this bad about the thought of it, baby will be fine on formula. I only managed to succeed to feed one of mine (for 8 months). My attempts to feed DD landed me in hospital for 5 days. Terrible mastitis, nipple going black, I wouldn’t give up the pumping. I did eventually of course when admitted to hospital. It upset me for years after that I couldn’t, but that pressure came from myself only.

mummydoingamasters · 30/11/2019 17:43

Your boobs, your baby, your choice. Don't let anyone else's opinion dictate what you do.
I knew from the start I didn't want to with either of mine and I didn't. I knew all the benefits, I still didn't. Not because I didn't want the best for my baby, but because I wanted the best for my mental health. I went as far as putting it in my birth plan to specifically not discuss breastfeeding with me.
Parenthood is hard enough without putting undue pressure on yourself before you've even had the baby. If you feel different when DC gets here, no worries. If you don't, no worries.

MondeoFan · 30/11/2019 17:47

Why would your own baby feeding from
You make your skin crawl? What a utterly horrid thing to say

WorraLiberty · 30/11/2019 17:56

MondeoFan how is it an 'utterly horrid' thing to say?

It may be an utterly horrid situation in your view, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with parents being honest about their feelings and saying them out loud.

IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory · 30/11/2019 17:59

It’s not horrid. It’s normal for some women to feel like this. Ever seen a cat or dog nursing? They get irritable too with it. It’s not a blissful experience for everyone.

CareOfPunts · 30/11/2019 18:02

Why would your own baby feeding from
You make your skin crawl? What a utterly horrid thing to say

Why is it horrid? Some people loathe breastfeeding. It is actually allowed!

mummydoingamasters · 30/11/2019 18:06

@MondeoFan it's opinions like that that scare parents off from expressing how they feel. So many more constructive ways to put across how you feel.
The OP is merely expressing how she feels. If you don't agree, that's cool. She's not saying her child makes her feel that way, but the thought of breastfeeding does. I felt the same so I bottle fed.

Justajot · 30/11/2019 18:08

I didn't attempt to BF DD1 as it was such an awful experience with DD1. I'm sure it was the right choice as DD2 wasn't even good at FF, she just fell asleep after a few ml. BF would have gone terribly.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 30/11/2019 18:11

Entirely your choice. I will add though I hated it with dc1 and had no intention of feeding dc2 because of how sick and repulsed it made me feel. When dc2 was born, I thought I'd just let her have some colostrum and it turned out that my feelings of revulsion weren't as strong so I fed her for a while. I think not having any expectations on myself really helped. If we have a 3rd, I'll play that by ear too.

Why would your own baby feeding from
You make your skin crawl? What a utterly horrid thing to say

In my case it was because it triggered a previous trauma every single time. It didn't make me bond, it made me resent him. I felt sick, my heart rate increased and I'd want to rip my skin off. I'd get a few minutes of relief when a feed finished and then I'd start panicking and stressing about having to repeat it again whenever he wanted milk next. I think it would be lovely to enjoy that time with your baby but for some of us, it's hellish.

HowToBeAWoman · 30/11/2019 18:13

I feel for you, OP.

I had an awful time with feeding DC1 - won’t bore you with it, but it was traumatic. Gave up after six weeks, felt miserable and guilty about it, but carrying on would honestly have broken me.

With DC2 I told myself I’d give it a go, no pressure. I only managed 3 weeks and hated every minute of it.

I think if I’d have had a third child (not happening!) I would have breastfed for a few days just to give my baby the colostrum and then stopped. I couldn’t go through that misery and pain again.

The important thing is that you feel OK with whatever decision you make and are in a good place when your baby is here. If breastfeeding will jeopardise that I don’t think it’s worth it, personally.

HowToBeAWoman · 30/11/2019 18:16

And re the ‘skin crawl’ comment.

I had severe mastitis and an abscess with DC1. The fear of pain at each feed was crippling. I felt physically sick at the thought of it, let alone the reality. It totally ruined breastfeeding for me. I carried that fear with my second child.

I completely understand what the OP means.

CheeryB · 30/11/2019 18:25

I struggled to bf my first and never managed an actual proper feed so FF from day 2. (Turned out she had no suck reflex but that's another story) FF my second from the off. No regrets.

Fl1mF1am · 30/11/2019 18:30

Re skin crawling I felt exactly the same. Dreaded every feed. I swear they sensed it.We were all so much happier with formula. I should never have stuck it as long as I did which was 6 weeks. It’s just not worth the stress and anxiety. You get to the teenage years and seriously how you fed your kids as babies is zilch in importance, so many other things worth actually worrying about.

inlectorecumbit · 30/11/2019 18:36

DD1 breast fed for 8 weeks and l hated every minute of it.
DS l breast fed for 3 days and stopped on advice by midwife as l was so miserable
DD2 bottle fed from day 1
No difference at all in childhood illnesses, inteligence or anything else that is spoken about ( apart from DD2 being a very difficult teenager)

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