To not even try to breastfeed second baby

[Blahh243]

Hello, just looking for some thoughts as I'm a bit lost here.

I'm currently 25 weeks pregnant and have a 3 year old. With ds1 I was completely determined to exclusively breastfeed him. It didn't go that well. He had colic and reflux, was on the breast 24 hours and I ended up resenting the whole experience. My husband, a great partner generally, wasn't supportive during that time. He insisted I "try harder" and give him what's "best" for him. I had PND and I believe the problems with nursing contributed to it greatly. I felt like shit about myself and thought I was a terrible mum since there are millions of mums out there who did it for their children, so why couldn't I? I toughened it up and nursed him until he was 18 months. At that point I developed severe breastfeeding aversion to the point I cried every time he asked to nurse, and then weaned him which was EXTREMELY difficult for him. He still asks if he can put his hands down my shirt before he goes to bed!

So anyways, when we planned this pregnancy I thought I'd be ready to try again and get it right this time. WRONG. I still feel my skin crawling at the thought of another little human being feeding off of me. So I had a long honest chat with dh about my feelings about everything. He apologized and said he didn't realized the whole thing was very distressing for me and that he'd be more supportive this time. I know what I want and it's not breastfeeding. But I also feel like a shit mom for deciding this early on not to. The guilt is terrible here.

I'd really appreciate any words of wisdom. Has anyone been through a similar experience? What were your choices and how did they make you feel?

I voted YABU, but that doesn’t mean you should breastfeed at all costs. get the bottles, formula etc.But also give it a try - things can change dramatically between babies.
Make a promise to yourself: inwill try, but if it doesn’t work for ne in x times (YOU put the number in! it might be 1), i‘ll use formula

YANBU, I'm currently 4 weeks unto breastfeeding DC3, I said to myself that I would stop if it became damaging for my mental health or damaging to my other children (if I was too busy/stressed out to give them attention). I think people run unto trouble when they get fixated on or feel like they can't stop. You never know once baby is here you might feel differently but I do think it's important not to feel pressured into it because it's hard enough as it is.

I did the first few feeds in hospital with my newborn and genuinely enjoyed it. However I have really bad anxiety and a one year old and tbh, couldn’t emotionally deal with the unpredictability of breastfeeding. I need routine and order to be a functional mum. You do you, whatever means you can be the best mum you can be

Had a horrific experience with first baby so didn’t bother with second one. I felt a lot of pressure to do it but fuck that. You need to do what is best for you.

One of the things that I will always remember my midwife saying was that when you line children up when they start school it will be impossible to tell which were breastfed and which were formula fed. Just do what feels right for yourself.

YANBU. You don't have to try at all. I FF all of my babies from day 1. They are healthy and less sickly than my friends children who were BF. All of the BF children I know are overweight and mine are a healthy weight so in my own experience there is no link to obesity either - I know there are stats that say otherwise but this is my own experience. I enjoyed every one of my babies from the beginning and when I hear my friends who BF saying that they enjoyed their babies from 8 weeks/12 weeks/etc when BF became easier it makes me sad because it's almost as if they 'lost' those lovely first weeks that you can never get back. The thought of BF makes my skin crawl and would have made me mentally unwell to do it. So many posters will rightly say that a woman should never do anything she feels uncomfortable with but when it comes to BF they say you should at least try. It makes me angry. Please do not force yourself to try and BF and do not feel any guilt about it.

I exclusively breastfed my first for 15 months, no expressing etc. I am now 6 months into exclusively breastfeeding my second. I have to say I’ve hated it both times. The feeling makes me feel sick and sometimes I feel quite revolted. My problem is I’m lazy and this is easier to me than making bottles. But fuck me it’s dull.

Do what’s best for you. Fed is best.

Yanbu. Your body your baby your choice. I choice to ff dd and best decision ever for us as a family. (Dsis had awful bonding issues etc due to bf and about ten other good reasons why). Ive had friend who still bf with two year old no problems. It doesnt matter. Your baby will be fed and loved. Your choice. I did hand express the first milk as felt that part was important. Strangely dd who never bf tries to bf her dolls now!

YANBU, do whatever’s best for you and your family! If that’s formula, then absolutely do that. The poster above who said that if you line them up at school you can’t spot the ones that were BF and that is so bloody true as a teacher. Do whatever works for YOU. DD was FF and DS was combination fed, and I honestly don’t think it matters! Both are secure, happy, healthy children and that’s the only important thing.

YANBU. I didn’t like it at all. As soon as I swapped to FF, DC and I were so much happier and relaxed. I found our bond was so much stronger as I was looking forward to feeding times and not dreading it.
You do what’s right for you and only you.

Yanbu at all. Get formula and bottles in. If you did decide to give it a go you can but you are prepped for feeding with the supplies.

I hope your husband won't be such a dick this time. It's good you've spoken.

YANBU! My DD is 2.5 and I had a similar experience (although only bf for 6 weeks!). Once I switched to formula we were all so much happier, and I actually started to enjoy her.

If I’m lucky enough to have another baby, I don’t think I will breastfeed. I might give it a go, but with minimal pressure on myself.

Good luck with your new baby!

Bf is hardwork without any of the aversion and PND you suffered. I'm your shoes I'd formula feed and be a happy mummy and baby from the start. Lets be honest the early days are hard enough especially with another DC without you putting that extra stress and pressure on all of you. No guilt

YANBU, OP. You had a really difficult experience which is already causing you stress in your second pregnancy. Don't let the dogma get to you, do what you feel is best. Breastfeeding is bloody great if it's easy - it was for me and believe me, I know how lucky I was! - but I've seen friends of mine struggle with it and I completely get how awful it is when it isn't working. Go bottlefeed and if people want to judge, that's on them.

I just wanted to add that this is the nicest, most supportive thread about feeding a baby I've ever seen. Good work, everyone :)

Don’t worry about it. I tried for 3 days with my first. Absolutely hated it. Worst 3 days of my lif. Second one straight on to bottles.

Never gave it a second thought.

If you absolutely don’t want the baby on breast but expressing has worked okay, you could express the milk and feed baby via bottle

The worst of both worlds IMO.

You do what’s best for you, but like everything to do with birth and parenting, keep an open mind.
Funnily enough breastfeeding helped with my PND as it least it made me feel that even if my head wasn’t in the right place my dc was receiving tailor made nutrition.

Oh and I meant to say, so much of the benefit is in the first few feeds of colostrum. If you decide not to bf (and I understand and respect that) then you could express whilst pregnant into 0.5ml syringes and freeze it. Just get DH to bring to the hospital and then baby can have a few feeds without any of the emotion or stress. I did this in preparation for my second as with my first I’d been seriously unwell and in surgery for a very long time, and nobody had thought to feed my baby anything whilst I was out (for 12 hours )

I didn't BF my daughter and if I was to have a second I would not BF them either.

As long as your feeding your doing a great job. If you feel you would be a better by formula feeding from birth. Then you do that. The fact your worrying so much about this is all you need to prove your an amazing mum. Do what is right for you. Cos that is what will be right for your whole family. You are amazing.

I didn't BF my second. To my surprise I had absolutely no pushback from any of the nurses or midwives at all. DH was harder to convince as throughout the pregnancy he was begging me just to do the colostrum feeds. (By the time of the birth I had his full support, just to be clear!)

I spent seven weeks in agony feeding my first DC because I had a semi-rare vasodilatory condition - my breasts burned for hours after each feed (but not during) and were so sensitive I'd scream if the water spray from the shower hit them directly. I got medicated which worked amazingly well but came with side effects that were unbearable- so after seven weeks suffering and dreading every time my child cried, I gave up.

The early weeks with my second DC were so unbelievably more positive. I recovered more quickly, DH could share some night feeds on his paternity leave, it was a much, much happier time. And with all of that pressure lifted, I did end up doing the occasional night feeds for a little while to give some colostrum, but when the burning started up I didn't have any qualms about stopping.

Do what's right for you. It will make all the difference.

The idea of breast feeding my second baby, after the horror of infected breasts and the sheer misery of breast feeding my first baby kept me awake at night. I can honestly say breast feeding was the lowest point of motherhood for me, I have never felt so trapped or depressed.
I tussled with the idea that I may not doing my best for my second baby (I now realise this is ridiculous, but at the time I was worried as all mothers are)

I found the thought of breastfeeding again truly repellent, and really didn't want to do it again. The dread and knot in my stomach was awful.

My baby was born and I did not breast feed, and it was the best thing I ever did. I used creamy organic milk and it was wonderful! For me, it took out the stress, the anxiety and feelings of being trapped that I had with my first. I bonded with my baby beautifully because I was not reduced to tears every time I needed to feed her, I found such closeness because I was not dog tired, I could enjoy her fully. Life was easier because my husband could help, she slept well allowing me energy to look after my toddler the next day and looking back, without a doubt I made the right decision for me and my family. We had the most lovely magical start, and now eleven years later she is a tall, slim athletic girl that plays every sport under the sun and we are two peas in a pod.

Do what is right for you op. It is your body and your baby. Be firm with the midwives who will adhere to targets rather than the individual needs of new mothers, and enjoy your newborn whatever you decide to do.

Its completely up to you! Your mental health is more important as your baby will be perfectly fine on formula. I put too much pressure on myself to breastfeed with my first and I ended up crying everytime too it was horrible for me, with my next I plan on giving it a try but if I feel the same then I'm stopping.

YANBU. There’s another source of food available for baby, but only ever one Mummy. You are important. Your mental health is important. You are not just a set of boobs to your baby.