To not even try to breastfeed second baby

[Blahh243]

Hello, just looking for some thoughts as I'm a bit lost here.

I'm currently 25 weeks pregnant and have a 3 year old. With ds1 I was completely determined to exclusively breastfeed him. It didn't go that well. He had colic and reflux, was on the breast 24 hours and I ended up resenting the whole experience. My husband, a great partner generally, wasn't supportive during that time. He insisted I "try harder" and give him what's "best" for him. I had PND and I believe the problems with nursing contributed to it greatly. I felt like shit about myself and thought I was a terrible mum since there are millions of mums out there who did it for their children, so why couldn't I? I toughened it up and nursed him until he was 18 months. At that point I developed severe breastfeeding aversion to the point I cried every time he asked to nurse, and then weaned him which was EXTREMELY difficult for him. He still asks if he can put his hands down my shirt before he goes to bed!

So anyways, when we planned this pregnancy I thought I'd be ready to try again and get it right this time. WRONG. I still feel my skin crawling at the thought of another little human being feeding off of me. So I had a long honest chat with dh about my feelings about everything. He apologized and said he didn't realized the whole thing was very distressing for me and that he'd be more supportive this time. I know what I want and it's not breastfeeding. But I also feel like a shit mom for deciding this early on not to. The guilt is terrible here.

I'd really appreciate any words of wisdom. Has anyone been through a similar experience? What were your choices and how did they make you feel?

I wouldnt worry about it all, the majority of babies are ff. I cant understand why you did it for 18 months if the thought of it makes your skin crawl. How awful for you and your child.

Yes and I will second the PP who said the midwives were strangely totally cool when I told them outright, I wouldn't be bf I was prepared/waiting for the militant pushy midwife that was prepared to try and force me into it, or at least a stern to talking to - only to be met with the exact opposite with my second baby. They were completely relaxed and said it was totally fine, and didn't even try to change my mind.

I think they know by the time you are on your second baby you know your own mind, and are experienced. It seems it makes a world of difference that you have made an informed decision, and have tried and didn't like it, it is (very) challenging having multiple children and babies and breast feeding on a practical level too. Most of my friends on second and third babies made the same decision.

I would wait a see. My Dsis had a terrible time BF her first and was adamant she wasn't going to with the second apart from a bit of colostrum for the first few days. She ended up mix feeding until he was one.

There's a good bit in Emily Oster's book Cribsheet on the actual studies on breastfeeding vs formula.

Upshot is that while breast milk is better for the baby, it's only slightly better (like avoiding a few colds and tummy bugs in first year, helping you avoid breast cancer.

There's also a benefit to having a less stressed, less depressed mother so I'd do what works for you. If I were you I'd give a bit of colostrum though, even if with a syringe.

It might be worth being open minded in case you feel different when dc comes, with dc1 I had lots of problems feeding, with dc2 it was so easy in comparison, feels like a completely different ballgame.

I could have written this post when pregnant with my second. I didn't breastfeed DS2 and it made such a difference to my mental health, I've never regretted it.

You do what you feel is the best for you. Your baby will be fine with a happy, healthy mummy. Your baby will be less fine with a stressed out anxious mummy. Make sure you note it in your birth plan, so in moments of vulnerability you have something to refer to.

Good luck.

I found it hard with my first until around 7 weeks and then fed for a long time but developed an aversion at the end. It made my skin crawl and my heart pound. I wanted to run from the sensation of dd even pulling at my top. I can't explain it. It felt so SO wrong. I had seen apes physically bat away their young and stalk away as a means of weaning and wondered if it was some weird animalistic instinct. I was so worried about dc2 as the idea of feeding remained deeply troubling. In the event, as soon as he was born, the urge to feed him was overwhelming and it was easy. He fed for years.

If you don't want to do it, then simply don't. There's a chance the aversion will abate however. It's your choice and your choice alone.

I tried to breastfeed my first dc and it was so hard. We didn't know for the first few weeks that she had a significant illness which meant without medication she wasn't getting enough nourishment. By the time we knew I had already given up breastfeeding. With dc2 I thought it would be better because he didn't have the same illness. I managed 3 weeks and it was so horrible. The guilt of not breastfeeding dc1 and dc2 messed with my mental health. I decided before I was even pregnant with dc 3 that I wouldn't breastfeed. I bought bottles early in my pregnancy and didn't allow myself to feel any guilt about it at all. The first few months of his life were so much better that the other 2 dc without the guilt and stress of breastfeeding. It's different for everyone, but for me it just was too much and too hard.

YANBU.

I couldn’t breastfeed DD despite trying everything and getting a lot of help. I tried so hard. It contributed to my PND and I’m still affected by it now.

I’m currently 15 weeks pregnant and I don’t even know if I’ll try this time. I’m going to keep an open mind but I’m not going to drag myself down about it again. My DD had colostrum at birth and the occasional bottle of expressed milk but was 98% formula fed. She’s thriving which is more important.

Your mental state is more important OP.

I didn't try to with either of mine , I didn't want to 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️.. I don't feel an ounce of guilt about it .. just do whatever you feel is best for you and your family .

I never even bothered breastfeeding my first!

It's not worth making yourself ill over.

Fed is best - whether that's breast or bottle.

It is the 21st century. Don’t let the nipple nazis get to you. I beat myself up so badly with my first. Then I had twins. A better lactation consultant worked out that my boobs were the wrong shape and organised an ultrasound - I found out that I didn’t have bloody milk ducts!!! (Soooooo relieved!!!) No wonder I hated it!!! Meanwhile, years later, I am furious that I get like I needed “permission” to quit, and I nearly starved my first. Give your baby a bottle. You will be relaxed and happy. Start as you mean to continue. There will be no bloody awful adjustment period and your baby will be absolutely gorgeous. (Will also sleep better!!!)

My two have been totally different in terms of how they fed/personality etc. Your first might have been equally fussy & colicky on a bottle.

Up to you OP but i never feel you can truly decide anything with a baby until they arrive. Your hormones might flood your body with a massive urge to bf. They might not. I would just assume nothing & try to be happy with whatever happens when little one arrives.

Yanbu. I had problems feeding my first and quickly switched to formula which was a great decision for us although I did feel a lot of guilt over it, mostly thanks to a horrible health visitor telling me I’d let him down.

I was adamant that with ds2 I wouldn’t be putting myself through that again and he would be formula fed from the start. No regrets, they are both happy and healthy.

YANBU. I'm a huge bf fan (bfd my ds for nearly 4 years), but if it is going to be detrimental to your health, then don't. Formula isnt poison.

Maybe stop thinking it over for now and see how you feel when the baby is here. Oh, and tell your DH to fuck off next time he tells you to try harder and guilt you into what's best for you baby.

I worked in breastfeeding support for years. It's something very close to my heart. I strongly believe all mothers should be fully supported to make the choices that work best for them.

No one has the right to criticise you if you choose not to breastfeed. Your body. Your baby. Your choice. I've supported just as many women who choose to stop or who have the choice to stop taken away from them as I have women who want to breastfeed longer term.

See how you feel when your baby is here. Some women have an overwhelming urge to give it a go in the hours after birth some don't.

And it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Combi feeding may be something to consider.

Whatever you choose, be proud of your decision.

My best friend had a hard time feeding her first. Poor latch leading to cracked and bleeding nipples, so she started giving some formula to give herself a break, but then that affected her supply. She was quite upset about it. With her second, she decided before birth that she was not going to breastfeed at all, not even colostrum and went straight to formula. She says now, she was so much happier and calmer as a result of that decision, so much less stressed.

I am pro-breastfeeding and believe that all things being equal, it is the preferred option due to it being a living substance that changes to meet the babies needs. I think women should be given the information and support they need to be successful and therefore get very irritated by some of the misinformation people share.

HOWEVER. I think the absolute number one priority is Mum's mental health. If you are stressed, anxious, upset, in pain etc then it is going to be a negative experience which affects your wellbeing and your ability to be the best version of yourself. No one else is living your life and so they don't have a right to judge you. Some of the most amazing mums I have known did not breastfeed. Plus formula these days is amazing and so many experts have worked on making the best products they can. Just own your decision and don't allow people to make you feel bad or doubt yourself.

I can’t believe 18% of people on here are saying YABU.

Just appalling. A baby won’t die from being formula fed FFS. My very judgy, narrow minded friend (pretty much an ex friend now) sent me a screenshot of an Instagram post from a mutual acquaintance of ours the other day. It was her, shock, gasp bottle feeding her baby. She put ‘Not breastfeeding I see disgusting.’

I didn’t even reply. Just WTAF. Beyond judgemental. What does it matter at the end of the day, surely a FED baby is best?! I’ve known people to struggle on breast feeding even though their DC hasn’t been getting enough and is underweight, but not wanting to stop for fear of being labelled a ‘shit mum.’

The world has gone mad, it really has.

YANBU OP. Best of luck with your baby

Bloody hell OP
You're asking if it's ok not to do something that will harm your mental health, make you cry multiple times a day and night, and provide negligible benefits to your baby, and that there is a safe alternative to.

Of course YANBU

I say that as someone who breastfed and while I had no some issues, the mental aspects of it were hard and am not sure I did the right thing...it seems so important at the time and then irrelevant after a few years.

I bf for a long time and I'm still angry at the NHS lies and bs (then lack of practical bf support when I was at my lowest point)

It harmed bonding

It contributed to poor mental health (self harm, suicidal thoughts etc)

They only sell the positives so I don't think you should listen to anyone else, it's your choice op. I've been through hell and hope you have a better experience whatever you decide this time.

Mayflower, I wonder if the people who voted YABU got a bit confused?

The OP says I know what I want and it's not breastfeeding. But I also feel like a shit mom for deciding this early on not to. The guilt is terrible here.

So perhaps they meant 'YABU because you're not a shit mum'?

Well I'd like to think that anyway.

Why not do both? That way you dont have to be on tap 24/7. Look- formula is food too, if BF is going to put you at risk of PND and make you feel like your skin is crawling then dont do it. Your baby will be much better off with a mother who feels calm, able to cope and able to bond without feelings of resentment about BF than you running yourself ragged with feelings of revulsion towards having to BF. Its not like you made this decision lightly- you weighed up the pros and cons and have made an educated decision based on your previous experience. Giving birth and looking after a baby is one of the hardest and most challenging times of life- be kind to yourself and do what's right for you. Its nothing to do with anyone else.

Would you consider expressing and supplementing with formula? I agree with pp that the first few days of colostrum would be worth considering.

YNBU - I hated the idea of breastfeeding and never tried it. Baby has grown into a happy, healthy child and I was a happier mother for not being forced into it. Formula is not the devil and you do what you believe is best for you and baby.

It's up to you. I'm an advocate if what's best for you. I found combined feeding so much easier (bottle of formula in the evening) took the stress out of it for me. But do what right for you. Dont feel u have to bf if your feeling so bad about it