To not even try to breastfeed second baby

[Blahh243]

Hello, just looking for some thoughts as I'm a bit lost here.

I'm currently 25 weeks pregnant and have a 3 year old. With ds1 I was completely determined to exclusively breastfeed him. It didn't go that well. He had colic and reflux, was on the breast 24 hours and I ended up resenting the whole experience. My husband, a great partner generally, wasn't supportive during that time. He insisted I "try harder" and give him what's "best" for him. I had PND and I believe the problems with nursing contributed to it greatly. I felt like shit about myself and thought I was a terrible mum since there are millions of mums out there who did it for their children, so why couldn't I? I toughened it up and nursed him until he was 18 months. At that point I developed severe breastfeeding aversion to the point I cried every time he asked to nurse, and then weaned him which was EXTREMELY difficult for him. He still asks if he can put his hands down my shirt before he goes to bed!

So anyways, when we planned this pregnancy I thought I'd be ready to try again and get it right this time. WRONG. I still feel my skin crawling at the thought of another little human being feeding off of me. So I had a long honest chat with dh about my feelings about everything. He apologized and said he didn't realized the whole thing was very distressing for me and that he'd be more supportive this time. I know what I want and it's not breastfeeding. But I also feel like a shit mom for deciding this early on not to. The guilt is terrible here.

I'd really appreciate any words of wisdom. Has anyone been through a similar experience? What were your choices and how did they make you feel?

Your MH OP tops everything as a priority IMO.

How you did it for 18 months feeling like that, I do not know.

I did it for 6 months with each of mine and whilst I didn't hate it, I was happy to finish and have my body back.

I hated the leaking and the swollen breasts.

Whilst it can be good for the baby, nothing trump's the Mum's MH in importance.

First off OP, I would put it out of your head completely.

Take it as a decision made.

Focus on minding yourself and trying to enjoy your pregnancy and relax.

Your partner was not supportive of you the first time. IMO he has no part or say WHATSOEVER in YOUR decision this time.

Mind yourself 💐

Why would your own baby feeding from
You make your skin crawl? What a utterly horrid thing to say

No, it’s extremely common and can arise for all sorts of reasons - it’s called breastfeeding aversion. Don’t post if you don’t know what you’re talking about.

Why would your own baby feeding from
You make your skin crawl? What a utterly horrid thing to say

Well, since you asked, I can't speak for OP but my baby feeding from me made my skin crawl because it triggered flashbacks to my childhood sexual abuse...but yeah also I'm just an "utterly horrid" person I guess.

Accidentally hit YABU so please discredit that vote! A fed baby is best. Do what's right for you and your health. yanbu.

I breast fed all of my three, and I would really advise you to keep your wits about you, not to be manipulated by BF purists and bottle feed!
I had dreadful experiences all 3 times, always thinking "It would be better this time". No it wasn't.
They refluxed the blood my nipples gave out, I was in pain most of the time for at least the first 3 months, dreaded feeding, felt sick from the pain.
And this with breastfeeding support from local and even 40 minutes away when, in desperation, we went to someone's place for her to tell me latch on was fine.
I cried with pain and frustration for 3-4 months each time. It affected my bonding and mental health.
Don't wait til you have the baby, your hormones and everyone else will tell you, you are doing the right thing. Rubbish.
If it suits you, fine, if not, opt for bottle feeding. The relief will be enormous.
My youngest is 17 now, I'm still a bit traumatised when it comes up in conversation.
I can't even say that my 3 suffered any fewer resp or other infections. They had their fair share.
Kep to what feels right for you, not what is told to you by society in general.
Good luck!

I lasted 10 weeks dual feeding due to lack of supply ... baby got ill when I was just breast feeding... but so much pressure on myself to do 20 mins breast feeding followed by bottle settle him ( comic and reflux so roughly 1 hour on a good night ) and then go breast pump down stairs

I was so depressed I wanted to die , I had weird thoughts about my child being an alien he scared me at times because I would see things... I wasn’t in love with my child ... best choice was to stop and then taking out the extra hours work around feeds meant I got a little more sleep and I enjoyed my child.

Now I get the love people to all about but not then.

You did amazing to last 18 months but if your in the same place as last time when they come enjoy your second child more and bottle feed and you shouldn’t feel any guilt about it . I don’t now ... I did at first but as the fog cleared I realised I was a better mum not in a black hole of doom thinking bat shit things.

You need to do what's best for you with and in this instance, formula would be. Your mental health is the vital for the both of you. Good luck and congratulations.x

Sorry OP I voted the wrong way, you are of course YANBU.

Breastfeed or not, do right by yourself as well as your baby.

Ah OP, just do whatever works and don't feel any guilt. I had a horrid time and my eldest and ended up exclusively expressing - which is double the work of either BF or FF on their own and I would not recommend it - for 6 bloody months out of mum guilt over not breastfeeding and therefore giving her 'the best' thing she could have had. It nearly did me in and I hated it.

Second baby I wanted to give it a go as all babies are different and I thought it might be easier. She BF beautifully for about the first five days. Then she became a nightmare for it and I knew right then I wasn't going through the same. She got 12 weeks of expressed milk with formula at night and then formula only and I was so so much happier.

Breast is only best if it's best for you too not just baby.

Good luck x

My perinatal mental health team said two things:

1. The oxytocin produced by breastfeeding can be protective for PND.
2. The needs of the baby cannot trump the needs of the mother.

I combination fed with both children and introduced dad feeding a bottle from about a week old. Knowing that he was doing the 10/11pm feed meant I had a break and never had less than 5 hours sleep. I went to sleep at 8, then he did late feed, then I did the 1/2 feed and went back to sleep with babies.

If he doesn't want to support you and do these things, as the MN adage goes "you have a DH problem."

oh op sounds like you have had a really difficult time due to pnd and lack of support. you did an amazing thing to breastfeed your dc until they were 18months.

have you considered having any counselling to talk through your experience?

some mums actually find their pnd can be worse if they don't breastfeed or when they stop. your body is designed to feed your baby. if you don't; there can be quite a crash of hormones. oxytocin released while breast feeding can help keep pdn at bay or make it less severe for some mums.

nursing aversions are really common (especially with older babies and toddlers). they are often a symptom of low levels of vitiamins and minerals. can you take a pregnacy and breafeeding multi vitamin?

Of course there is also the well known health benefits for baby as well as mothers of breastfeeding. there's recent evidence to support this. at the UNICEF baby friendly conference in Glasgow just last week a health professional was sharing their experience in Manchester. they have set up a comprehensive infant feeding team. as breastfeeding rates have risen, they've seen a direct fall in infant visits to GPs and admissions to a&e.

I think there's also the benefits of mothering through breastfeeding too. breastfeeding can cure a lot of what's bothering a baby without having to worry too much about exactly what it is.

second time round getting started with feeding is usually much easier for most mum's than with their first.

how would you feel about deciding to give it a go? you might feel differently once your baby is here and you're having some skin to skin after he or she is born. perhaps you could plan to breastfeeding this time and see how it goes in the first few days and then just take each day as it comes? definately have more support in place (not just your husband but friends, support groups, your health professional team, is paid help a possibility?)

have some back up bottles for incase it gets too much (those pre sterilized made up ones for newborns are super).

You are not being unreasonable. I’m sorry you had such a shit time before - I can’t believe you carried on for so long. I tried so hard first time but was in agony despite my best efforts and those of the midwife, breastfeeding counsellor and DP’s nan who’d had 7 kids! I gave up after 4 months and was so much happier though I felt guilty.

I knew second time I wouldn’t stress so much if it didn’t work but it was a totally different experience. DS2 was so easy to feed I did 18 months easily. So if you felt able to try it, you might find it’s much better. Having said that, if you can’t face it, your baby will be better off with a happy relaxed mum. Look after yourself x

Yanbu I have 2dc and one one the way I've never breast fed and don't ever want to and that's my choice I've noticed on here a lot assume a mother will be breast feeding a lady posted about being asked to go to a family party and the first response was well you will be breast feeding seen it a lot on here.

YANBU. Formula is fine for babies. Might be good to try to get some colostrum in though if you have a pump and the inclination.

Trying to talk OP into breastfeeding is really inappropriate yesteaandawine.

Christ, I would have been giving DH what he ‘needed’. A massive kick up the arse.
Another one here who BF two DC for bloody months on end due to the pressure. To be fair, the second was quite an easy feeder but it probably wasn’t fair to his toddler brother to have his mum pinned to the sofa for hours on end. Would have been far easier to give him a good 8oz bottleand continue with our lives!

@likeafish

Completely agree. 4 children here, I swear my husband never offered a single opinion on me breast feeding. He was never asked!

Fxxx it, it never occurred to, and that is 20+ years ago.

My body, my decision.

Anybody putting pressure on the OP to breast feed or shame her, should be utterly ashamed of themselves.

#her body/her decision

Do what feels right for you hope you have a more enjoyable experience whatever you choose x

I tried and failed spectacularly with my first. Knowing what I know now, if I have a second I’ll definitely be formula feeding from the start without shame or guilt.

Of course you shouldn't have to breast feed.
BUT there is no excuse to not express your milk.

BUT there is no excuse to not express your milk.

There’s not wanting to - which is the only excuse a woman ever needs.

There's no excuse for imposing your ideology on other women's bodies.

"Not wanting to breastfeed"

is a valid reason
is the only reason you need
is a reason- not an excuse
a fed baby with a happy mummy is the most important thing

Don't let anyone make you feel any other way. By all means seek out BF support but only if you want to.

Yanbu

I tried and failed to bf my last 2 babies. I'm pregnant and I'm not even going to put myself through the stress this time round

@Holidaywindowshopperaddict there are plenty of reasons not to express.

Some women just don't want to.
Many can't produce enough milk when expressing even if they can while breastfeeding
It is extremely time consuming, in some cases a lot more so than actually breastfeeding.

So if a women's reason for not breastfeeding is related to mental health or PND, then expressing is often not going to be a viable option.

I'm all for breastfeeding if the woman wants to and is supported to, but we simply cannot make statements that there is no excuse not to do something when in fact there are many reasons it might not be suitable.