..to not want to be gushed over on this board

[saraclara]

I'm no-one's darling or sweetheart. I don't want to be called lovely or a wonderful person by people who don't know me from Adam.
I don't want to be told I'm a fantastic mother by strangers who know about 1% of who I am and what kind of mother I might be.

Why do people do this? There's the world of difference between being supportive and just throwing compliments and soppy terms of endearment around like confetti.

If I post about a problem, I'm hoping that people will consider what I've said (and actually read the OP carefully) then offer an honest opinion or advice with empathy, honesty and PLEASE no self-indulgent sentimentality.

Okay. None of this has happened to me so far, but it drives me nuts to see it on other people's threads. Almost more so than the posts that are over abrupt. It makes me think that the writers are vacuous simpering morons. And I'm pretty certain that telling someone they're a wonderful mother when it's reasonably clear that they actually aren't, is pretty unhelpful.

Oh, and I don't want random strangers kissing me either, thanks.

@missyB1 you do get that it's possible to be irritated by the way people address other posters, yes?

Oh and you don’t get to dictate how other people respond to threads or express themselves

Er- this is AIBU - the clue is in the title....

vacuous simpering morons

My, you're a charmer.

Get out on the wrong side of the bed did we love? Xx

Cracking up at this

Trust your gut hun xx

I think nuance is all but dead on MN. Apparently, if we're not gushing and sentimental, we're uncaring.
You've hit the nail on the head here, saraclara - and not just on mumsnet either, the world is very either/or at the moment, no room for shades of grey and nuance is, apparently, for losers.

I do get what you mean, but for every person who finds those posts gushy and saccharine, there will be another person who is touched by the kind words, in spite of them being pretty meaningless coming from someone who doesn't know the person. I'm not a gushy, sentimental person at all, but really there's nothing wrong with spreading a little kindness.

@hazeyjane gosh, yes. It's really worrying how polarised opinion has become in general. It's as if people don't want to think any more. They just tie their flag to a mast (and there are only two masts - at the polar opposites of any question) and that's the end of it. No critical thinking at all.

Well i agree with that - I've got similarly frustrated in here with a childish grasp of nuance - but your own view cones across as pretty polarised too to be honest. People using terms of endearment= sentimental and vacuous. Well, that seems quite extreme to me. It's sometimes hard to convey tone and warmth in a post, so perhaps people go overboard on the terms of endearment to make up for not being able to use those other human signs of empathy and understanding that might soften things in real life. I really don't think people have to be master wordsmiths to be allowed to post.

It does make me roll my eyes when, based on nothing but a couple of sentences written by the child in question’s mother, so not exactly objective, people post “your DS sounds lovely, OP”. The virtual hugs to the OP in crisis, I don’t mind so much.

Well I think that many (dare I even say most?) people who are distraught enough to feel they need to look for support or advice from complete strangers on a board like this, may be in a position of vulnerability. So much so that a kind, or syrupy sweet, word or gesture may be just what they need. I don't think it makes the person who delivers it or receives it, vacuous or empty-headed.

When you say people say that the poster is a fabulous mum when clearly they aren't, lol, i can't remember seeing such a case, but the ideas it brings up makes me laugh. Mostly I've seen things like "oh I'm an awful mother, terrible person, because I'm unhappy that my 2 yo neighbor wiped his boogers on my curtain. I felt so awful feeling that way I baked them a cake. I never said a word though." A little bit exaggerated but you get the point, someone unnecessarily beating themselves up.

The way you say it I imagine that person backhanding the 2 yo when no one was looking and blaming it on the dog, lol.

Its really worrying how polarised opinion has become in general. They just tie their flag to a mast

Errrm.. hate to point it out (actually no I don’t) but this is you OP!! You’ve tarred a whole swathe of people with the same brush. Pot kettle black?

On the weight loss threads when people say, ‘oh hun a size 86 isn’t even that big. Who cares if the firefighters had to demolish your house to get you out...’ I just think, shut up, you are not being helpful. Ok, so size 86 is an exaggeration but when someone posts for help and they’re clearly obese, they need not to be demonised but they do need to know they are unhealthily big. Don’t patronise them. They’ve posted because they want to change their life and get healthy.

• This was an actual thread where the poster was size 20 and 5ft 1. Her weight put her in the morbidly obese category. She was finally ready to ask for help and support. She didn’t need to be soothed.

I've come onto mumsnet many times over the last 13 years for advice...most of the best advice I've had with regards ds's complex needs, has come from mumsnet. I think sometimes I might have posted a few, "could do with a bit of company...in hospital with ds/having a shit week with school etc type threads, where you sort of expect a sympathetic "that's shit." but I'm not expecting syrupy goo.

I haven't RTFT - can't be arsed and it's probably already been said, but it could be suggested that if you want honest answers, in a manner that you prefer, you should ask the opinions of people that know you in real life and not a random nest of vipers or hun loving sweeties on an anonymous website...

Ahem

@FaFoutis

• YANBU People who gush online tend to be nasty fuckers In real life* I find people who use the above language to be uneducated in real life

@saraclara

• @hazeyjane gosh, yes. It's really worrying how polarised opinion has become in general. It's as if people don't want to think any more. They just tie their flag to a mast (and there are only two masts - at the polar opposites of any question) and that's the end of it. No critical thinking at all.* You seem to have superiority complex.

Holding this safe space for you. X

You sound like a really lovely person and perhaps a spa day will help?

😂😂😂

The word 'gush' has a different meaning to me

I am not keen on the "you sound lovely OP" posts... but probably only because no one ever said that to me.