..to not want to be gushed over on this board

[saraclara]

I'm no-one's darling or sweetheart. I don't want to be called lovely or a wonderful person by people who don't know me from Adam.
I don't want to be told I'm a fantastic mother by strangers who know about 1% of who I am and what kind of mother I might be.

Why do people do this? There's the world of difference between being supportive and just throwing compliments and soppy terms of endearment around like confetti.

If I post about a problem, I'm hoping that people will consider what I've said (and actually read the OP carefully) then offer an honest opinion or advice with empathy, honesty and PLEASE no self-indulgent sentimentality.

Okay. None of this has happened to me so far, but it drives me nuts to see it on other people's threads. Almost more so than the posts that are over abrupt. It makes me think that the writers are vacuous simpering morons. And I'm pretty certain that telling someone they're a wonderful mother when it's reasonably clear that they actually aren't, is pretty unhelpful.

Oh, and I don't want random strangers kissing me either, thanks.

Get over it sweetheart

I have no idea what your DP is like, but have my first LTB.

Society just has this fakeness to it these days, people telling folk that they barely know that they love them (meaning they like them). People gushing insincere compliments towards people they barely know when they don't know enough about the person to give the compliment that they're giving etc. It is cringey but it is what it is.

Through a decades long career working with parents in crisis. Who needed my empathy and my support. Sometimes they were doing the wrong things, but with calm, empathetic understanding and practical support and kindness from me, they were able to adjust their approach to make life easier and better for themselves and for their children

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 🤮

OP there are quite a few posts that have writing styles that aren't my cup of tea - yes, sometimes it's the overly-sentimental ones but other times it's the excessively curse-y ones (I know, I know, I just don't like seeing c* typed, or said!), but (other than now), that's something I keep in my head and it doesn't affect my view on the post. That's what's going to happen on an internet forum with millions of users from all around the place.

But I also think it can feel very hard for people sometimes to start a post and open up about something they may not be able to confide in anyone else at all. And when people respond, in good faith, I think that's pretty lovely and we should take their contributions whatever way they come, without being snippy or tearing it all to pieces.

I've seen many really appreciative posters, genuinely affected by kindness they've received and sure, the posters don't know empirically what they say to be true but in that moment, they've offered that person some kindness and I think that's one of the good things about MN.

I have no idea what your DP is like, but have my first LTB.

He's dead. Like I say. It's been a shitty decade.

Oh dear. Now I want to say sorry, and I do mean it.

Society just has this fakeness to it these days, people telling folk that they barely know that they love them (meaning they like them). People gushing insincere compliments towards people they barely know when they don't know enough about the person to give the compliment that they're giving etc. It is cringey but it is what it is.

@Mlou32 yep. I suppose I'm going to have to get used to it. But I'm never going to like it.

Despite people thinking I must be hard as nails, I'm pretty much the opposite. It's working, (and now volunteering) in caring prfessions and settings, that makes me value genuine warmth and help. And yes, the stuff I'm talking about in the OP strikes me as fake and more about the writer than the recipient.

To be fair, if not exactly lighthearted, my OP wasn't intended to be taken quite as seriously as some have. And that's my fault. When I re-read it in a different tone of voice than the one in which I wrote it, I can see where some people are coming from in their more bad-tempered posts.

He's dead. Like I say. It's been a shitty decade
I really want to gush over you now. I know you don't like it so I won't.

From @Happyspud

Do you not realise that people’s responses are about them and not you? Take a step back OP and actually think what this whole forum is all about. People are responding to themselves and identifying OPs as themselves in order to answer.

I think that's one of the most astute posts I've read on this forum.

If it helps, I wouldn't say any of those things to you based on this post 😉

And now I feel bad because I hadn't checked this last page. So you can have as my apology. ❤ (and a heart so you can feel extra cross with me)

Thanks @Frownette and @Emeraldshamrock

( and @Treaclepie19 !)

I wonder sometimes whether a great loss in ones life can lead to sentimentality and fake compassion just being angering?
I'm still quite compassionate even online and overly kind to people on here (probably one of the people you don't like) but since we lost our little boy last year (TFMR at 22+4) people trying to comfort me too much does get at me. Though normally that's people close to me who aren't following through with their compassion.

Hun invasion.

I also understand what you're saying. I find it odd when I see posts such as "oh my darling" or "you're such a beautiful person" etc. My first thought is "do they know them" my second is "that's a bit creepy".

There is always someone on every thread who wants to be the ops best friend, example :

I like to chop up insects and smear them on walls in changing rooms.

Everyone that's disgusting,seek help.

One poster, you're not wrong, that's such a fabulous thing to do, I totally see why you would. Please ignore these other fuckers telling you otherwise, they are just bitches. Be my friend.

I'm sorry for your loss @Treaclepie19
It's interesting that you say that. When my husband died, people online or on social media (nearly all of whom hadn't met him) would write "I'm crying now". And I'd think "why are you telling me that?" It seemed so much about them.

Of course I always understood that whatever people might say to me throughout his illness and my bereavement, people meant well.

I also understand what you're saying. I find it odd when I see posts such as "oh my darling" or "you're such a beautiful person" etc. My first thought is "do they know them" my second is "that's a bit creepy".

Ha! You get it, @Bluntness. Though the creepy bit is my first thought. Because I'm a bitch.

@saraclara that's it exactly. Why the need to make it about them? I guess they're trying to relate but it just feels almost insulting?
I can only imagine how hard it's been for you.

Why do you have to post on here at all, surely you can live your life without other people's views on all and sundry, then you will be free,of all that you don't like to hear.

I don't get this. No-one is being sentimental or dishonest

They are a bit. For instance, calling someone "My love" when you have no idea who they are and wouldn't recognise them if you passed them in the street. You don't love them, they aren't your love, it devalues the people you really love.

I agree with happyspud that these sort of comments are often about the posters themselves, either what they need or how they see themselves / others. On the flip side, gratuitously nasty posts often are too.

I do think a lot of people come here seeking some kind of therapy and some can have more extreme styles of communication. Mental health provision in this country is dire.

Bottom line, you aren’t the thread police and what works for you doesn’t for others. I certainly don’t think it’s ok to tell people how they should communicate or to leave a thread. It’s unfair and can be tantamount to bullying someone, who may in essence be quite vulnerable.

I agree with you OP.

I throw up a little bit when I see the "you clearly are a wonderful mummy" bollocks that is on here all the time lately. Also, please don't kiss me.