..to not want to be gushed over on this board

[saraclara]

I'm no-one's darling or sweetheart. I don't want to be called lovely or a wonderful person by people who don't know me from Adam.
I don't want to be told I'm a fantastic mother by strangers who know about 1% of who I am and what kind of mother I might be.

Why do people do this? There's the world of difference between being supportive and just throwing compliments and soppy terms of endearment around like confetti.

If I post about a problem, I'm hoping that people will consider what I've said (and actually read the OP carefully) then offer an honest opinion or advice with empathy, honesty and PLEASE no self-indulgent sentimentality.

Okay. None of this has happened to me so far, but it drives me nuts to see it on other people's threads. Almost more so than the posts that are over abrupt. It makes me think that the writers are vacuous simpering morons. And I'm pretty certain that telling someone they're a wonderful mother when it's reasonably clear that they actually aren't, is pretty unhelpful.

Oh, and I don't want random strangers kissing me either, thanks.

q

Oh you poor love. Have some cuddles.

Dont worry OP I'd find it hard to gush about you, you sound ridiculous if you are offended by others trying to be kind and supportive.....

Errmmm do people do that here?

I'm not offended by others being kind and supportive at all, @thunderandsunshine. I find it annoying when people are brainlessly sentimental though.

😘😘😘

YABU - it's not the way I write on MN personally, but people are just being supportive in their own way. It's an open forum, you can't dictate the type of replies you do and don't want.

Tbh I'd rather have the gushing than some of the vile replies that people get from keyboard warriors when they post in AIBU. Or no replies at all.

I do agree in a lot of ways.
You do need to remember there is a real person on the other end, and you don't know how they're feeling, but also remember that they're in a real situation and dealing with other people too. Bear in mind too that most people write from their own prospective.
What you write can validate their behaviour. That may including treating a child badly because "mn says I'm a fantastic mother and they are just badly behaved and so I must sort them out".

If for example I wrote that:
Last Saturday I got up at 9am to get dd to her dance, When I came back I found dh had left the pans from dinner last night unwashed and his plate on the side. I hung the washing up, and went out to get bread and made lunch, fetched dd, ate lunch then took ds out. Dh was just getting up.
On Sunday he hassled me to get up at 9:30 when he was getting up.

I suspect I'd get a fair number of sympathetic replies.

Actually the reality was: He was out doing street pastor work until 4am, having put the washing on before he went out at 10pm the previous night. He got the washing out of the machine when he got home and made himself a bacon sandwich. He emptied the (clean) dishwasher, and put it on to a rinse cycle which it needed, so got to bed about 5am.
When he got up he made a cake and dinner and got the washing in.
On Sunday I had a tennis match and he hassled me to get up because he'd done a cooked breakfast for me so I didn't go off without breakfast. I was not good company

Thing is: MN telling me it's not fair and he's a waste of space etc is actually not the reality of the situation, and it validates me feeling put out about it, which is not really helpful in the long run.

To an extent I agree with the OP. It always amuses me when someone posts ‘you sound lovely’. How on earth do you come to that conclusion from a couple of posts from a stranger?

You sound awful, OP - a right grumpy cunt and probably a bad mother too (and a waste of space as a friend). You probably fancy Jacob Reese Mog and Donald Trump and are borderline racist with internal misogyny.

Happy now, hun@?

Xxx

💖 💐

YANBU
People who gush online tend to be nasty fuckers In real life.

@AlexaAmbidextra

Perhaps by the kindness and thoughtfulness and balance in the posts? You know, mich like we get first impressions of people whe we meet the. Face to face

@saraclara

I have a decades long career working with parents in crisis. Who needed my empathy and my support. Sometimes they were doing the wrong things, but with calm, empathetic understanding and practical support and kindness from me, they were able to adjust their approach to make life easier and better for themselves and for their children.

So then why are you so adverse to people being nice, kind, supportive etc?

I am so confused.

What you write can validate their behaviour.

Yep. On a more serious note, that actually does bother me.

There's a happy medium between the victim blaming and the sentimentality.
Personally I've had the decade from hell. But what I've appreciated most during it is the support and advice I've had from people who are warm, ask questions, show that they understand how I'm feeling, but are practical and calm in the way they talked to me. I'm talking medical professionals colleagues and friends - the latter both real life and internet.

I'm originnally from the North so love the real life "pet" and"me duck". But those are not sentimental. Just warm.

I think there's a facebook emotional thing that goes on that I really don't see in real life, where compassion comes without sentimentality.

@FaFoutis

People who gush online tend to be nasty fuckers In real life.

I am assuming this is people you KNOW? (in real life.)

Because you can't possibly know this about people online that you don't know and have never met.

@MistyCloud I don't think you're understanding my posts. Hopefully my last one clears things up a bit.

*People who gush online tend to be nasty fuckers In real life.

I am assuming this is people you KNOW? (in real life.)*

Of course. But there's often a sense of menace beneath the online gushing, even when I don't know them IRL. I'm not sure if it's because it seems to be the kind of fake sentimentality of a drunk who might turn nasty at any minute. Or that gushing suggests the person is needy and would be very defensive if 'wronged'. Or my final theory is that people who gush seem to see the world in black and white, so they love you or hate you.

I agree, OP.

Ooh my ex is certainly an online gusher and RL selfish git! It's about being seen as a lovely person and getting that validation from people doing the same back on social media.

That doesn't mean everyone who does it isn't really nice, but it can feel fake.

I think some people on this thread don't get OP because it's quite subtle and a fine line - it's not being kind and sympathetic that's the problem, it's wheeling out glibly positive platitudes and gushing compliments. But maybe for some people they are all part of the same thing and all welcome - and for others not.

@FaFoutis

But there's often a sense of menace beneath the online gushing, even when I don't know them IRL. I'm not sure if it's because it seems to be the kind of fake sentimentality of a drunk who might turn nasty at any minute. Or that gushing suggests the person is needy and would be very defensive if 'wronged.'

But you are just assuming all this, and you are probably wrong in most cases.

I am generally pretty nice online, and am LOVELY in real life.

@OverthinkingThis

Tbh I'd rather have the gushing than some of the vile replies that people get from keyboard warriors when they post in AIBU. Or no replies at all.

This. ^ X 100!

LTB!

In this case thought the B is you OP 😬🤦‍♀️

Do you have kids? Ever had a hard day? Sometimes a word of kindness can be all someone is looking for and I think it is very U of you to judge everyone by your own standards.

Bit of an attention seeking post so here’s your to go along side the tea everyone is serving you

I think if you seek support on a public forum, you have to be aware that it might come in many different styles. If someone takes the time to offer advice or support, it's rather ungrateful to object to the way they do it.

@saraclara

I'm originally from the North so love the real life "pet" and"me duck". But those are not sentimental. Just warm.

'these sayings are not sentimental, they are just WARM...'

WTF?

MistyCloud I don't think you're understanding my posts. Hopefully my last one clears things up a bit.

No I don't 'understand your posts better now.' You are contradicting yourself every time you post. You seem to be moving the goalposts to suit your argument, or if people aren't saying what you want to hear.

Seems like you will just get annoyed by - or pleased with - whatever suits you that day.

You do sound like very hard work!

I give up now! Have a nice day hun/sweetie/darlin'.