..to not want to be gushed over on this board

[saraclara]

I'm no-one's darling or sweetheart. I don't want to be called lovely or a wonderful person by people who don't know me from Adam.
I don't want to be told I'm a fantastic mother by strangers who know about 1% of who I am and what kind of mother I might be.

Why do people do this? There's the world of difference between being supportive and just throwing compliments and soppy terms of endearment around like confetti.

If I post about a problem, I'm hoping that people will consider what I've said (and actually read the OP carefully) then offer an honest opinion or advice with empathy, honesty and PLEASE no self-indulgent sentimentality.

Okay. None of this has happened to me so far, but it drives me nuts to see it on other people's threads. Almost more so than the posts that are over abrupt. It makes me think that the writers are vacuous simpering morons. And I'm pretty certain that telling someone they're a wonderful mother when it's reasonably clear that they actually aren't, is pretty unhelpful.

Oh, and I don't want random strangers kissing me either, thanks.

Bizarrest stealth boast ever!

Sorry, what? Where do you get that from @JacquesHammer?

are you sure you haven't swallowed Netmums?

I spent 36 years as a hospital doctor, and I can assure you OP, a big part of my job was calming patients’ fears and providing emotional support through their life threatening surgery or critical care. In the case of hospital phobics and patients with special needs, it was the only way to get them through the operating theatre door.

It's really not equivalent. An equivalent would be if you hadn't been able to read their test results or do any examinations, so only had a patient's own subjective and partial account of their symptoms, and you were nonetheless telling them blithely that everything was going to be fine, and those growths were probably just flatulence...

@OhamIreally me too, behind the tents at Glasto !

I'm no-one's darling or sweetheart. I don't want to be called lovely or a wonderful person by people who don't know me from Adam.
I don't want to be told I'm a fantastic mother by strangers who know about 1% of who I am and what kind of mother I might be.

Surely it's Eve they don't know you from?

None of this has happened to me

Right ...

I think you're overreacting. I do think some things sound vacuous and sometimes people need telling that what they're doing is not ideal, rather than mindless cheerleading. But just because people interact differently from your approved way doesn't make it lesser. And sometimes people give more of their innermost selves to an anonymous forum than they do to people in real life so "you don't know them" is a strange statement. You probably know some posters better than a random mum from school that you might give a hug and some encouraging words to if they suddenly opened up and said they were having a shit day.

I mean it might be more truthful to say "well you could be a shit mum for all we know but good luck with your crap situation" but it doesn't exactly help does it.

Yes but there's no need to say "Good luck with your crap situation" and leave it at that.

Posters can still make many helpful and supportive suggestions and just ignore the shit mum bit.

Because often someone will start a self pitying thread and make it quite clear their behaviour as a mum is shit, only for people to pile in with "I'm sure you're not a shit mum"

If the same person described that behaviour from their DH, the pile ins would normally be brutal and in total agreement.

None of this has happened to me so far Then why even bother objecting to it? Let others decide how they want to be spoken to, and WHEN and IF someone calls you sweetheart perhaps ask them not to?

This is just attention seeking!

Fair enough, saraclara - if it's just cold factual interactions you're after, that's absolutely fine for you.

I just don't think you can speak for how others - strangers - should want people to naturally relate to them. There's nothing stopping you giving instructions in your own OPs as to what kind of replies you do or don't want.

Oh dear, you do sound very grumpy!

I think the thing to remember is what you may not like, another person might not be offended by and vv

If you are going to get infuriated by responses on Mumsnet, then I would suggest you don't put any comments up for discussion.

Does this help?

And I'm pretty certain that telling someone they're a wonderful mother when it's reasonably clear that they actually aren't, is pretty unhelpful.

And you would know this how exactly?

YABU, and miserable to boot.

OP, you sound awful with a whole bag of chips on your shoulder. I doubt you will have to contend with any of the sentiments you seem to be dreading so dont worry.

@saraclara

but that's my point. Empathy and kindness is vital. But as a doctor you wouldn't be sentimental and dishonest would you?

I don't get this. No-one is being sentimental or dishonest, they are just trying to make someone feel better.

FGS.

@ohamireally
Oh my goodness, your post is the first time I realised that the username probably doesn’t refer to that Jon Snow 😂. Perhaps it does. His son is hot. Or is he the nephew? There’s a few of them.

And I'm pretty certain that telling someone they're a wonderful mother when it's reasonably clear that they actually aren't, is pretty unhelpful.

And you would know this how exactly?

Through a decades long career working with parents in crisis. Who needed my empathy and my support. Sometimes they were doing the wrong things, but with calm, empathetic understanding and practical support and kindness from me, they were able to adjust their approach to make life easier and better for themselves and for their children.

Awh Babe xx I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. ♥️ only kidding.
You can tell from an OP if a poster wants factual answers, a heated debate or just someone to show they care.
It is not rocket science.

We lived for a while in a rather tough neighbourhood where we soon discovered that, if you wished somebody a friendly "Good morning", they would respond by hissing at you to F-off.

We always thought they were incredibly rude but it sounds like they were actually the ones in the right and we were just gushingly over-sentimental.

Ugh. It's when they start with "oh darling, you don't have to put up with this"

’Oh sweetheart, I can feel how sad you are"

Patronising and just 🤮

I don’t write like that myself but when I had a huge problem and people tried to help by calling me sweetheart etc, I actually found it helpful and that I wasn’t alone (had only told a couple of people in RL).

So YABU I’m afraid. It’s never happened to you so leave it to the OP of the thread to take what what they find helpful from the thread. The kindness of stranger etc etc

The thing is, a forum like Mumsnet does deal with a huge plethora of topics from the mundane to the highly sensitive.....things that people can't sometimes bring themselves to talk through face to face with friends or associates. I think you get out what you put it. Tell a lie, paint a false picture or skewed picture, then sure, you will hear back a load of irrelevant, possibly mislead remarks from posters. But there's no denying the breadth of real life experience that can be drawn upon from Mumsnet OP, first hand help and support that will have helped thousands of people face courage over the hardest times.

I’ve told someone that they’re a good mother yesterday because she was getting a crap loads of posters telling her that she is a “shit parent” while she is in the most vulnerable position...

I’m not sorry for saying that.. I think she knows I don’t know her but I’d rather give her the confidence and rather assume she is a good mom just like me and you and is struggling and so it’s ok to throw that assumption to help her restore confidence. If it weren’t for the nasty posters I certainly wouldn’t have needed to say that

I voted YAnBU because I don’t like it when it gets too gushy indeed. But I do think you are on the other extreme.

Isn’t some of this just regional? I’m from wales... calling someone babes or love is pretty common by me... just saying. Wouldn’t be me being patronising. Some friends from up north call me ‘la’ I’m not bothered. Some people are huggers and super friendly and warm. Others are a bit standoffish. It’s just different people... surely you understand that not everyone acts just like you????

Also when I personally am feeling beey vulnerable a bit of compliment and heart felt messages might go a long way.. we do tend to resort to feeling like an injured child when extreme vulnerable and so what might seem “patronising” to you might actuallt be what empathy looks like in this’d circumstances

Awwww hunny, I know we should RTFT but we already know your qualities. You just need to learn to take compliments and wallow in the terms of endearment, Adam sweetheart

I'm not sure.

Some replies are just people being supportive.
Some forget that there's a human at the other end of the screen and let rip.
Some are determined that you're lying/omitting something and go all Inspector Clouseau to find it.
Some respond in a way that is (rightly or wrongly) coloured by their own experience of a similar situation.

Plus the way that you as the OP post (language, level of detail, spelling errors, even class markers) will make a difference to how people reply.

If you post on here, you need to be able to take all the replies with an enormous pinch of salt, basically.