To think he's being quite rude?
tiredmum1875 · 26/11/2019 23:18
Our first child is coming up to 7 months, I saved my own money up from when we started planning for baby to ensure I'd have enough to cover my half of the household finically during my maternity leave.
Since LO was born I've done every single night feed and 99% of nappies, feeds, all the baths, things like tummy time, weaning etc. All me. He comes home, picks baby up for 3-4 minutes and then says "LO wants you" (even though LO is perfectly happy, he just is bored), then eats his dinner which is always ready for him and then sits on his behind watching whatever he wants on the tv until he falls to sleep.
So, I do all the household bits (shopping, cleaning, cooking, bills, bins, etc), as I did before LO was born and I was working full time, and I do everything for baby.
He doesn't even wash up his own stuff if he makes himself food on his days off (which he doesn't spend with us as it's his day off and he needs rest!).
Tonight, he's told me that I do nothing for him, it's my duty to take care of everything for the house and the baby because he's working.
Now, I am loving mat leave and more than happy doing everything for LO, but as I'm sure other parents will agree, sometimes it can be quite lonely and difficult particularly during teething or sleep regression issues. He also doesn't want to talk very much when he gets home as he's been at work all day and is very tired (we've all had bad days where we need a minute but Christ this is every night!).
I just can't believe the cheek of him. I feel like he's been so rude saying I don't do anything for him. I'd like him to imagine a world where there's nothing to wash himself with or dry himself with or WIPE himself with. Where does he think all these things come from?!
Don't get me wrong I understand he's working and I appreciate it, which is why I don't ever ask for help even on the bad nights and why he always has a dinner cooked and clothes washed. He works 8 hours, 5 days a week and the commute is 5-10 mins.
FWIW, no one has ever offered to have LO for an hour whilst I have a bath or an hours sleep in the 7 months they've been born, so whilst I understand he might need a day off, does it not occur to him that perhaps I could do with 5 mins?!
He says I shouldn't moan about anything because I'm so lucky to spend my time with LO - I'm not complaining about the baby in any way, more than happy spending my time with them and I know how lucky I am but part of me is thinking what's going to happen when I go back to work? How am I going to manage all of this with no help from him? I'm exhausted now already!
AIBU to think he's just being a super lazy ungrateful sod or has he got a point?
AtrociousCircumstance · 26/11/2019 23:22
OP, your post joins the thousands And thousands of posts by women who have accidentally attached themselves to an absolute piece of crap.
You have a really nasty man as your partner - lazy, entitled, just hideous all round really.
It’s such depressing reading. I wish we could fast forward to a time where you’ve long left him behind and are happy and can focus on your self respect.
So yeah YANBU.
Monsterpage · 26/11/2019 23:32
It really saddens me when I read things like this. My OH and I used to race each other up the stairs to be the one to pick up our little boy from a nap/ or for a feed etc.
Your partner is a misogynist dick. You need to sort this out now otherwise if you go back to work you’ll end up doing everything and you’ll just burn out.
BritishSleeperAgent · 26/11/2019 23:36
Short answer: YANBU
Longer answer: My dad was a bricklayer, working long hours of backbreaking work for low pay. When he came home from work, he'd get cleaned up and then take care of us kids while my mam had a break. He'd wash dishes or do some laundry, whatever needed doing really except for cooking because he was a bit of a fire hazard. He made time for us, he made time for my mam and he did it not because he was asked to but because it wouldn't have occurred to him to do anything else. This was the late 70s into the 80s. My dad would tell your husband to get off his arse and do something useful. Otherwise, what is the point of him? There's more to building a family than just bringing in an income. And you are not his employee.
tiredmum1875 · 26/11/2019 23:37
I honestly thought you were going to say I shouldn't be complaining that's how adamant he is that he's this superhero and I'm some lazy woman who must be chilling out all day every day. God I can't remember the last time I bloody chilled out to be honest. Obviously when LO sleeps I have a minute but generally there's washing to go away or something else to be sorted, and of course you can never switch off totally you're constantly checking they're ok - again not complaining but just stating I don't have this lazy luxury WAG lifestyle he's implying I should be grateful for. Absolutely ridiculous how he manages to get in my head. I actually cried tonight when he said that and he did an impression of me as I walked off.
He was so 50-50 before I became pregnant. Super clean and helpful. Always telling me how lazy his dad was when he was younger and he'd never be like that, and now look!
I must admit, I have thought about leaving. Partly because of this but mainly because now, when he says he doesn't want to spend time with us I'm more relieved than sad. He's just so miserable all the time, it's draining. I keep finding myself thinking how it might actually be easier without him being here, one less person to clean up after and oddly I think I'd feel less lonely!
So glad I posted, honestly I thought I was going to get flamed for being ungrateful for his working!
dontalltalkatonce · 26/11/2019 23:37
FFS. He's a selfish, sexist, pisstaking cunt. Maternity leave is not Victorian Wifey Leave. He's playing you like a harp from hell and you're paying half, too. You're probably not married, either. This man will never get better and you'd be an utter fool to stop anything besides FT work to skivvy for this dickhead. Stop skivvying for this cock and find another place to live.
Pinkbonbon · 26/11/2019 23:38
Where does it come from? You letting it continue to happen, that's where.
You mentioned saving up to have your half covered for rent ect over your maternity leave. Couldn't he can have paid the bills over that period of time where you couldn't work? It's just, it makes it sound like the baby was all your idea and responsibility...and he didn't feel the need to step up.
Carrying on doing all the household chores and childcare alone then continued to re enforce his air of entitlement.
Maybe he has always thought it was women's work though. And if he didn't,he does now and I don't think there is any changing it.
You really need to read him the riot act if you expect him to change. Even then it might be farting against thunder sadly.
Mermaidoutofwater · 26/11/2019 23:41
He was an arsehole to even let you save up your pre-baby salary so he didn’t have to contribute any more while you were on maternity leave. You know, caring for the child created by both of you. Saving him from taking leave to do this, or paying half the costs of a nanny if you just decided to just go back to work straight away.
He’s not going to get any better when you go back to work. I’m convinced this is why so many women become SAHMs. Which you shouldn’t do, because this entitled attitude will only get worse and you’ll end up splitting anyway. Better to have an income of your own.
ohwheniknow · 26/11/2019 23:44
He's this guy //www.freedomprogramme.co.uk
I actually paused partway through your post because the "he" sounded like your boss not a partner. That is who you're talking about, right? You didn't take on a job as a live-in housekeeper-nanny?
Wafflecopter · 26/11/2019 23:45
I’m in total agreement with what @AtrociousCircumstance has said.
I have a 3YO and a 3 week old, and not once has DH ever acted like he didn’t want to spend time with them or do his part to parent, or that it’s a chore.
The amount of men that think they are great father’s for ‘helping’ their OH with the kids, by doing the bare minimum is ridiculous. It’s not help if they’re yours ffs.
Sorry, I’ve seen and heard this so many times, and it just gets on my absolute tits when useless men act like them having a job to go to, means they get a free pass for being a waste of space father.
Celebelly · 26/11/2019 23:49
As a contrast, my DD is coming up to 10 months.
Since she was born, DP takes her every single morning so I can sleep (I do any night feeds as I'm still breastfeeding). During the week he might have her from 6am-8am and at weekends until 10am or whenever I get up. If we've had a bad night and I'm knackered he can sometimes juggle his work appointments around so he can start at 10 and keep her for longer.
He does bath time every night and probably about 30-40% of bedtimes too. He does more than 50% of the housework as I work evenings (from home) so he will often do stuff after DD is in bed if I haven't had the chance during the day. If I've had a bad day or need to work, he will deal with any wake-ups in the evening so I can relax or get stuff done. I do most of the cooking but that's mainly as a) be sucks and b) he's not home until later so I tend to make it before he gets back. He does the washing up after though
He's not doing anything special. He's being a parent and a grown man who is responsible for more than himself now.
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