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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think he's being quite rude?

207 replies

tiredmum1875 · 26/11/2019 23:18

Our first child is coming up to 7 months, I saved my own money up from when we started planning for baby to ensure I'd have enough to cover my half of the household finically during my maternity leave.

Since LO was born I've done every single night feed and 99% of nappies, feeds, all the baths, things like tummy time, weaning etc. All me. He comes home, picks baby up for 3-4 minutes and then says "LO wants you" (even though LO is perfectly happy, he just is bored), then eats his dinner which is always ready for him and then sits on his behind watching whatever he wants on the tv until he falls to sleep.

So, I do all the household bits (shopping, cleaning, cooking, bills, bins, etc), as I did before LO was born and I was working full time, and I do everything for baby.

He doesn't even wash up his own stuff if he makes himself food on his days off (which he doesn't spend with us as it's his day off and he needs rest!).

Tonight, he's told me that I do nothing for him, it's my duty to take care of everything for the house and the baby because he's working.

Now, I am loving mat leave and more than happy doing everything for LO, but as I'm sure other parents will agree, sometimes it can be quite lonely and difficult particularly during teething or sleep regression issues. He also doesn't want to talk very much when he gets home as he's been at work all day and is very tired (we've all had bad days where we need a minute but Christ this is every night!).

I just can't believe the cheek of him. I feel like he's been so rude saying I don't do anything for him. I'd like him to imagine a world where there's nothing to wash himself with or dry himself with or WIPE himself with. Where does he think all these things come from?!

Don't get me wrong I understand he's working and I appreciate it, which is why I don't ever ask for help even on the bad nights and why he always has a dinner cooked and clothes washed. He works 8 hours, 5 days a week and the commute is 5-10 mins.

FWIW, no one has ever offered to have LO for an hour whilst I have a bath or an hours sleep in the 7 months they've been born, so whilst I understand he might need a day off, does it not occur to him that perhaps I could do with 5 mins?!
He says I shouldn't moan about anything because I'm so lucky to spend my time with LO - I'm not complaining about the baby in any way, more than happy spending my time with them and I know how lucky I am but part of me is thinking what's going to happen when I go back to work? How am I going to manage all of this with no help from him? I'm exhausted now already!

AIBU to think he's just being a super lazy ungrateful sod or has he got a point?

OP posts:
Geminiwitch22 · 02/12/2019 08:49

@tiredmum1875
Please please contact the police if he tries to force you to stay call 999 then press 5 and they'll be aware you can't speak. Get away from this man. For your safety and the safety of your daughter. My thoughts are with you please keep us updated.

Tootyfruityfoo · 02/12/2019 09:39

Call the police they will assist u in leaving the property of he's causing duress also get a solicitor to establish legal custody as soon as possible

harper30 · 02/12/2019 09:53

My god OP, I hope you're ok today, when I first started reading the thread I was going to say it seems strange he was so good before you were pregnant and is now such a useless sack. I was going to suggest maybe he has post natal depression (not as an excuse for how he's treating you) and might explain why he can't bond with DC and why he's so disengaged.
But after your updates he really does sound abusive: not lifting a finger, belittling you and telling you that no one likes you, trying to dissuade you from seeing your family so much, not wanting you to go back to work, telling you that you can't leave and take DC and that he'll stay home to stop you.
I honestly am worried about your safety OP things have escalated hugely and he seems spiteful at best, dangerous at worst.
Please do take advice from previous posters and if he really won't leave the house today, call either a load of your family members to come round ASAP to help you move your things out, or call the police.
Please be safe and don't be mortified about anything, he didn't show his true colours until he had you 'trapped' in his eyes, pregnant and more vulnerable than you were before.
Please also come back and let us know if you are ok x

AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 02/12/2019 10:03

Just read the whole thread, he sounds bloody awful, I really hope you're okay OP Sad

Pantalaimon88 · 02/12/2019 11:12

It’s funny how all these men claim they want full custody of the children they don’t know the first thing about and have shown no interest in caring for Hmm

Can you get somebody to come and pick you and your baby up, a dad or a brother? (Not being sexist but bullying men tend to not kick off in front of other men). Get someone to come and help gather your things and take you both away.

LexMitior · 02/12/2019 12:01

The only way to deal with men like this is get your own menfolk around. I’m sorry to say if he respected you then you wouldn’t even be having this conversation.

He should leave, and you need to see a solicitor, now. This man is a bully and given your financial situation you need to get that pinned down fast.

Finally, don’t beat yourself up. What happened to you happens to others. I too had a nice helpful boyfriend who did 50/50. That instantly changed on having a child, where he did nothing and was actually neglectful. It is really true that many men simply decide that they can afford to push you around when you need them most. Get rid of him and don’t look back - his real character has been exposed.

tiredmum1875 · 02/12/2019 14:22

Thanks for your replies. I'm ok today, but last night things got bad! He totally lost it took baby from me and said he was taking her at almost 10pm, I told him he was free to leave but he wasn't taking LO anywhere at that time of night. He told me to stop telling him what to do.

I totally panicked and called a male family member, LOs dad started crying, gave baby back to me and left.

Today I've had messages telling me I'm mental and I need help but just ignoring him. The male family member is now handling contact with him and me and baby have left the house.

He's told my family member that it's all me and whilst he's not proud of how he's been to me he feels it's justified as I've provoked him. Honestly quite worried about him. He really doesn't have a clue.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 02/12/2019 14:25

So glad you are out of the house. Please let the police know that you had to call a family member as he was threatening you to take the baby.

This is a very volatile situation.
Your safety comes first.
Please don't be alone with him.

💐

JumpiestBat · 02/12/2019 14:25

These abusers always claim we are mental by the way. It's a way to undermine us and make them look long suffering poor darlings. You've got your head screwed on and yes he's the one who is acting irrationally. Keep going OP. X

ISmellBabies · 02/12/2019 14:33

I'm so glad you're out and safe op. What a coward, all aggressive until faced with another man and then he starts snivelling for your sympathy. I hope your family member can keep watch over the baby for his contact times, that's twice now he's said he's taking the baby from you. Hope you are ok. This is the really hard bit to get through, it will get better soon.

Motoko · 02/12/2019 15:03

I'm glad you're out and safe.

Calling you mental is straight out of the abuser's handbook. They all do it. Also, don't be worried about him, he knows what he's doing, and it's designed to make you confused and unsure if you're doing the right thing, and ultimately, to go back to him.

Do not go back to him. Do not fall for crying, begging, pleading, promises to change, go to counselling, threatening suicide, etc. It's all lies.

QueenOfTheFae · 02/12/2019 15:13

"you can fuck off but you're not taking my child anywhere".

Nice, like he would last 5 minutes

FinallyHere · 02/12/2019 15:18

Well done for getting away.

LexMitior · 02/12/2019 16:10

This man is fine, there’s nothing wrong with him. He’s busy telling your relatives that you are mentally unstable. That’s manipulative and also shows a huge amount of entitlement and brass neck.

Don’t indulge any of this pity party and get yourself safe. He is crying for himself and if you get back together, he will make you pay for this episode.

3luckystars · 02/12/2019 16:21

I'm sorry it turned out like this. You have done too much already.
With regard to your child, he was doing nothing and you were covering for him. The truth will come out and everyone will know.

Best wishes for the future.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 02/12/2019 16:27

I'm so glad you've left and you're ok OP, it sounded like things escalated quickly.

I cant believe he didnt want you to take the baby, when he has shown absolutely no interest in them at all.

Or that he is blaming you for 'provoking him' by not wanting to do 100pc of housework and childcare and go back to work!

If things get nasty make sure you document everything and keep evidence. Keep all your texts he sends you and see if you can record him if hes being abusive.

Modestandatinybitsexy · 02/12/2019 16:37

He's trying to use the baby as a bargaining chip and to keep you tied to him and in your place. I'm glad you stood up to him and you're both safe.

Mlou32 · 02/12/2019 17:00

What a pig ignorant arsehole. I'd show him what having nothing done for him is really like. Stop making his tea. Wash only you and the babies clothes. Keep a few clean towels hidden away for only you to use. Let the place go to shit, see how he likes it. But then I'm a new level of petty and probably not the best person to give advice!

SansaStarky · 02/12/2019 17:26

On my mat leave i was expected to pay my half of all household expenses. Regularly be on my own with the baby for 5 days or more. On my unpaid part of mat leave i also had to pay to fix a leak in the roof 350 quid. We are now divorced. Never again will i be in that situation

Biancadelrioisback · 02/12/2019 17:59

I would not trust him with your LO. I know he is the child's father and has equal rights (is he on the BC?) But it sounds like he would fall off the edge if solely responsible for looking after your child. Would he remember to change the nappy? Would he just the child in a cot and walk away if child was crying? Would he remember to feed them? I'd be terrified he'd do something stupid like pop out while baby was asleep because it sounds like he is so far removed from the reality of parenting. He has never shown that he is a parent, never acted like one and (from the sounds of it) wouldn't have a clue.
You can't stop him from seeing his child but please don't leave them unsupervised.

He does sound like he needs help. Id be tempted to reach out to his parents or close friends and tell them what's gone on. He needs help from someone and it shouldn't be you at this stage.

Jux · 02/12/2019 23:00

He knows EXACTLY what he's doing. Please don't be blinded by the idea that he "hasn't got a clue" - he really, really does.

MarleneandBoycie · 02/12/2019 23:05

So, I do all the household bits (shopping, cleaning, cooking, bills, bins, etc), as I did before LO was born and I was working full time
And you thought he would change once you had a baby? Why are you being so passive?

Tootyfruityfoo · 03/12/2019 00:50

I'm glad you have help and you have left. Stay strong and keep all evidence of his behaviour. If you think he is genuinely at risk then please don't contact him but have someone contact his family and advise them of the situation. He is no longer your problem.

richteasandcheese · 03/12/2019 07:29

Well done OP. You are going to be so bloody thankful you got out now and didn't waste years being abused by this man. You are braver + stronger than he ever will be - he is a weak, pathetic man.

Weenurse · 03/12/2019 07:55

Well done for getting out.
He has no insight as to why you have left.
In his mind you are at fault.
I don’t know if writing everything down in a letter would help?
Don’t send it to him though, just get it out of your system.
Do you think he will maintain contact or gradually fade away?

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