To think he's being quite rude?

[tiredmum1875]

Our first child is coming up to 7 months, I saved my own money up from when we started planning for baby to ensure I'd have enough to cover my half of the household finically during my maternity leave.

Since LO was born I've done every single night feed and 99% of nappies, feeds, all the baths, things like tummy time, weaning etc. All me. He comes home, picks baby up for 3-4 minutes and then says "LO wants you" (even though LO is perfectly happy, he just is bored), then eats his dinner which is always ready for him and then sits on his behind watching whatever he wants on the tv until he falls to sleep.

So, I do all the household bits (shopping, cleaning, cooking, bills, bins, etc), as I did before LO was born and I was working full time, and I do everything for baby.

He doesn't even wash up his own stuff if he makes himself food on his days off (which he doesn't spend with us as it's his day off and he needs rest!).

Tonight, he's told me that I do nothing for him, it's my duty to take care of everything for the house and the baby because he's working.

Now, I am loving mat leave and more than happy doing everything for LO, but as I'm sure other parents will agree, sometimes it can be quite lonely and difficult particularly during teething or sleep regression issues. He also doesn't want to talk very much when he gets home as he's been at work all day and is very tired (we've all had bad days where we need a minute but Christ this is every night!).

I just can't believe the cheek of him. I feel like he's been so rude saying I don't do anything for him. I'd like him to imagine a world where there's nothing to wash himself with or dry himself with or WIPE himself with. Where does he think all these things come from?!

Don't get me wrong I understand he's working and I appreciate it, which is why I don't ever ask for help even on the bad nights and why he always has a dinner cooked and clothes washed. He works 8 hours, 5 days a week and the commute is 5-10 mins.

FWIW, no one has ever offered to have LO for an hour whilst I have a bath or an hours sleep in the 7 months they've been born, so whilst I understand he might need a day off, does it not occur to him that perhaps I could do with 5 mins?!
He says I shouldn't moan about anything because I'm so lucky to spend my time with LO - I'm not complaining about the baby in any way, more than happy spending my time with them and I know how lucky I am but part of me is thinking what's going to happen when I go back to work? How am I going to manage all of this with no help from him? I'm exhausted now already!

AIBU to think he's just being a super lazy ungrateful sod or has he got a point?

OP, your post joins the thousands And thousands of posts by women who have accidentally attached themselves to an absolute piece of crap.
Pretty much this.

My DH does a lot more around the house than I do since we had our first DC. He knows it is so hard to stay at home with DC. He has two jobs and still did nappies at night (I was BF) and now that I am pregnant he does bed time every night and he is up at 6 every morning so I can have a bit more sleep.
Sometimes he goes to the shops after bedtime because I am so tired these days.
He does the dishes and cooks and plays and takes DC out as soon as he is home.

It is teamwork and I thank him but won’t give him a medal because I am not getting one either.

One thing I knew I wanted in a life partner was that they would be hard working honest people. His jobs are not high earning. My friends were a bit judgy of that.
Well. We all make choices.

He is rubbish and you can do much better. Stand your ground. You only have one life OP

Actually you aren’t even a nanny as that would mean he gave you money and he doesn’t do that
Yes he works but he isn’t supporting you if he is making you give money

And to be a little rude myself...
He comes home some days and says I'm going out and I never moan

Fuck this.

No fucking way.

I think I need to really reassess my future.

I'm so relieved to see you type those words.

You are ended up in a really vulnerable position.

You shouldn't have to 'save' for your maternity leave. He should happily support you.

He is taking you for an absolute mug and I totally agree with your friends.

Make your plans. Don't tell him. Just walk out one day and don't look back. He doesn't deserve you and your LO.

Horrible, lazy excuse for a man.

Sorry, my grammar is terrible! Tired.

You have ended up...

I got caught by one of these.

Perfect partner material, equal partnership, even doted on our first baby. Was fine when I went back to work, stepped up, everything. When I had to give up work when our second baby was born he turned into Victorian Dad, but he did it so gradually that I didn't realise I'd ceded all the power to him, until we had five little ones, we'd moved house (while I was nine months' pregnant and he'd absented himself to 'work' leaving me to pack up the house and the babies) and then he was going to change jobs (again) move us all (again) and I had no say in the matter.

So I said no. Stayed with the kids, and he moved away. But it crept up on me so slowly that it wasn't until that final move that I really realised what he'd done. He'd undermined me, made me feel worthless, like I was barely coping, like I NEEDED him!

You don't need anyone, OP. He's got you now, so he's turned into his dad, for whom bullying and directing and bossing the household worked just fine. He's not the man you thought he was and you need ot make plans to get away, before you start to believe that you really are a bad mother, worthless wife, rubbish at housework, etc etc.

Don't be me, in other words.

So, I do all the household bits (shopping, cleaning, cooking, bills, bins, etc), as I did before LO was born and I was working full time, and I do everything for baby.

He was so 50-50 before I became pregnant. Super clean and helpful. Always telling me how lazy his dad was when he was younger and he'd never be like that, and now look!

Huh? Which is it OP??

Where to start? There's so much wrong with this relationship. Please don't get to the point where you are too worn down to sort it out. Your situation is absolutely unacceptable. Sending virtual hug and tea.

Op how is your actual relationship one on one? Are you intimate/having sex? Do you have cuddles on the sofa? Do you have conversations? Speak to each other kindly/lovingly?

He is a lazy, selfish arsehole. He keeps telling you how good you have it to keep you in your place, serving his needs. He really doesn't bring anything to the partnership, you would be far better off without him.

Does he pester you for sex too? He seems the type.

@tiredmum1875 I'm not saying this is his problem but worth a read. I've worked in a mental health hospital and sometimes the signs are not quite what they seem.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/society/2018/sep/04/fathers-men-get-posnatal-depression-too

How lazy your OH is OP that's not one patenting is shared responsibilities between the two not dumping it all on one parent while the other one gets to carry on as normal.

I certainly wouldn't be doing his tea for him and I wouldn't be cleaning up after him neither .

He needs to do his fair share and help out around the house and with raising your DC allowing you some break and time for yourself

FairPlay to you for getting to 7 months without breaking

Letstalkabout6

I might have given your link consideration except the OP made it clear that she was doing the bulk of the housework while still working full time before the birth.

The sorry excuse of a man is just a lazy misogynistic arsehole.

OP, please do leave (or kick him out). It won't get any better, I had one of these, they never get a sudden realisation that they need to step up.

I couldn't get past this sentence: He doesn't even wash up his own stuff if he makes himself food on his days off (which he doesn't spend with us as it's his day off and he needs rest!).

So when he has a day off he goes out for the day rather than spend it with you and his son so that he can 'have a rest'? When is your day off OP?

I wonder if he is a bit jealous of you being on mat leave and has this ridiculous idea that you're just sitting on the sofa watching soaps and eating biscuits all day? Maybe you need to leave him in charge of your DS for a day with a list of the chores you do so that he can see exactly what your day involves!

That made me well up OP :'( That's awful.

I have a 19mo (and currently pregnant) and the first year was so difficult - mainly with lack of sleep to the extent I ended up with shingles! BUT one thing I can say, is that my husband was there for me and our son and did everything he could. There were times when he left for work at 5 and never slept, but he never complained about working and not sleeping! At the end of the day its his child too.

His life hasn't changed at all since becoming a parent, if anything it's gotten easier because somehow I'm doing more for him than ever.

This is a massive problem for so many of us. Because of the process of being pregnant, giving birth, recovering and taking care of the baby, our live changes irrevocably and we expect it to.

Because we take it all on, many men are able to continue with their lives virtually unchanged.

We have 3 children and DH pulls his weight. But even so, if he wants to do something, his assumption is always that he will be able to do it alone whereas mine is always that I will either have the children in tow or ask him to look after them. He always does but the fact that they are somehow my responsibility as a default is still there.

If you don't nip this in the bud, it will create a pattern and in 10 years time you will have given a decade of your life being someone's servant.

I’m so glad you’re realising you deserve better than this. This is not the family set up you want your child to grow up think it normal. I hope you find the strength to leave.

You had a baby with a misogynist. He thinks having a baby mean’s his life should get easier, all he has to do now is work a job, like most of us do. Why does he think that’s ok?

You do the Freedom Programme, stop doing anything for him, and start working towards being in a position to leave, whatever that means.

If your parents are old fashioned, then I'm sure they think that he's paying for everything, because that's what happened back in the day of the housewife. The woman did all the childcare and housework, while the man went out to work and paid for everything. He would give his wife an allowance, for her to pay for the shopping and things for the children, plus a little bit left over to spend on herself.

So, explain to your parents that he's making you pay for half of everything. I bet they'll change their minds then.

But, even if they don't, it doesn't matter what they think, they just need to support you when you leave him.

I'd leave that motherfucker with just the clothes on my back and then sue his ass for child support.

Hi OP
Unfortunately a lot of people revert to gender roles when they have children. It seems like your husband has turned into his dad.
I thought your post was going to go badly when it started along the lines of 'I saved up to pay my half of the bills on maternity leave'. So you're doing 100pc of the childcare, 100pc of household jobs and contributing financially equally as well.

I hate it when men think they can have it both ways. It's so easy looking after a baby all day! But I couldn't possibly do it, I work so I need my rest!

My maternity leave looked like this -
Didnt cope very well when baby was born, we had feeding issues and I was recovering from a bad birth etc. Husband got up in the night with me when he was off on paternity leave and changed nappies etc before passing the baby to me to feed.

When he went back to work he still did the odd night feed of expressed milk and when I really needed a rest in those early stages when the baby is nocturnal, he put her in a sling and walked about the streets with her at night.

He gave up his hobby as it was quite time consuming and then when things were easier took up another one that he can do in short bursts and fit in as and when

When the sleep got a bit better but I was finding the days frustrating, because I couldn't get done what I wanted to do, he said 'just concentrate on looking after the baby, dont worry about anything else, we can sort all the other stuff out later' so he would come home and between us we would cook, do dishwasher, washing etc etc

As the baby got older and napped better and I felt more human again, I did more stuff in the house like washing etc but only what I could squeeze into her nap times, and if I was knackered and went to bed myself and it didnt get done, that's fine.

We seem to work loosely on an 'equal downtime' basis, so we both pitch in with the kids and housework until it's done then have equal time off for chilling/ hobbies etc.

He also took shared paternity leave with both our kids to spend some time with them and help me in the transition back to work.

When my maternity leave payments stopped he paid all our bills.

I am not saying this to be goady I just wanted to illustrate what I thought a normal relationship actually looked like.

I'm not sure why your partner thinks when he is home he gets to opt out of being a parent. Why doesnt he think you deserve any time to yourself? Why can his life carry on as normal but you're on duty 24 7? Why should you be knackered but he can sleep? What does he think is going to happen when you go back to work? Surely then you will both need a rest and a good nights sleep? The logical thing is to take night wakings and days off because the baby is sick, in turns, but I guess that will all fall on you as well because 'his job is more important' and because 'the baby prefers you' (if course they do because that's what happens when you never see them)

I dont know what the answer is. It sounds like you have tried to talk to him and just get accused of moaning. I guess the only options are counselling/ ultimatum / leave

He might change, if you wait long enough! By which time, you'll have no respect left for him and no desire for him and no patience for him. You're halfway there already.

Is it worth it?

You should write a letter to him explaining and pointing out everything. Leave it for him and enjoy a nice night away (friends or family or hotel) and let him digest the information.
If nothing changed just leave him. He's changed for the worst and isn't the person you wanted to raise a child with. Don't clean up after him, don't baby him.

I don't understand these men. If they were single and living on their own they'd have to do their own washing-up, cleaning etc... So why do they think that just because they now have a wife they are suddenly entitled to a slave? He shouldn't expect you to do ANYTHING for him!