To think he's being quite rude?

[tiredmum1875]

Our first child is coming up to 7 months, I saved my own money up from when we started planning for baby to ensure I'd have enough to cover my half of the household finically during my maternity leave.

Since LO was born I've done every single night feed and 99% of nappies, feeds, all the baths, things like tummy time, weaning etc. All me. He comes home, picks baby up for 3-4 minutes and then says "LO wants you" (even though LO is perfectly happy, he just is bored), then eats his dinner which is always ready for him and then sits on his behind watching whatever he wants on the tv until he falls to sleep.

So, I do all the household bits (shopping, cleaning, cooking, bills, bins, etc), as I did before LO was born and I was working full time, and I do everything for baby.

He doesn't even wash up his own stuff if he makes himself food on his days off (which he doesn't spend with us as it's his day off and he needs rest!).

Tonight, he's told me that I do nothing for him, it's my duty to take care of everything for the house and the baby because he's working.

Now, I am loving mat leave and more than happy doing everything for LO, but as I'm sure other parents will agree, sometimes it can be quite lonely and difficult particularly during teething or sleep regression issues. He also doesn't want to talk very much when he gets home as he's been at work all day and is very tired (we've all had bad days where we need a minute but Christ this is every night!).

I just can't believe the cheek of him. I feel like he's been so rude saying I don't do anything for him. I'd like him to imagine a world where there's nothing to wash himself with or dry himself with or WIPE himself with. Where does he think all these things come from?!

Don't get me wrong I understand he's working and I appreciate it, which is why I don't ever ask for help even on the bad nights and why he always has a dinner cooked and clothes washed. He works 8 hours, 5 days a week and the commute is 5-10 mins.

FWIW, no one has ever offered to have LO for an hour whilst I have a bath or an hours sleep in the 7 months they've been born, so whilst I understand he might need a day off, does it not occur to him that perhaps I could do with 5 mins?!
He says I shouldn't moan about anything because I'm so lucky to spend my time with LO - I'm not complaining about the baby in any way, more than happy spending my time with them and I know how lucky I am but part of me is thinking what's going to happen when I go back to work? How am I going to manage all of this with no help from him? I'm exhausted now already!

AIBU to think he's just being a super lazy ungrateful sod or has he got a point?

Separate his things and yours when he is at work tomorrow, or even while you are no doubt up with baby and he’s sleeping overnight. Fucker.

I have no idea why women attach themselves to losers like this. And I can’t believe that you’re contributing financially to half the household expenses from savings, while still doing all the childcare and not earning. Why do women set the bar so low? Unbelievable.

I stopped reading at you saved your own money to cover your half of the Bill's whilst on mat leave. What kind of fucked up world do we live in where woman think mat leave is their financial responsibility.

What does he think a father is FOR? If he's not providing and not supporting and not engaging and not even enjoying having his own flesh and blood baby in the house, what actually is the point of him?

Have you asked?! 😲

So he still only contributes half the costs of running the house, and has dropped his housework contribution down to zero, while yours has skyrocketed. Yet he thinks he’s the one who’s hard done-by?

Have you tried asking him what he bases this on?

Does he not want to bond with his child? This is so important in the early days. He sounds awful. Will you be able to leave him once you start work again?

Rude? Not how I'd describe it. Your final sentence is better.

so you are paying 50% of everything, doing 100% of the childcare and housework and letting him get away with doing nothing at all? he needs a kick up the ass and to start being a parent and partner
if he wishes that you do 100% of child raising and 100% of household tasks then he needs to be paying 100% of the bills and giving you an allowance... he is an asshole

finn the op has stated repeatedly that prior to the baby he was very different so please dont blame her for 'attaching herself' to useless dad. OP, would say that he needs to be told very clearly that you are seriously considering leaving, that you wouldnt accept if he proposed now and his cosy life will be ending very shortly if he does not step up. Remind him what he said about his own dad. Give him one chance to get it and change. This is your childs dad and if its possible to turn things round, it would be worth a try but dont beg or plead.. Show him you are perfectly capable and ready to go it alone if needed but you'd prefer your family. Tell him. What your frirnds now think of him. Tell him what other dads do. If he won't listen, belittles you, doesnt take you seriously, then fine, sounds like you are getting in the right headspace to leave. Good luck

The fact that you had to save to cover half the bills while on maternity was enough for me.

He's no partner, I'm sorry.

Urgh! OP what a total twonk!

My DH works really long hours so I do 99% of the chores and generally look after him like a 50’s housewife.

However, he is grateful and kind and on his days off he jumps straight in with dishwasher/laundry/tidying without being asked. I’m afraid you’re being grossly taken advantage of and it’s certainly not normal so please don’t let him convince you it is.

I also can not comprehend men who believe women should still pay half of all bills whilst on mat leave! When did having your joint baby become an individual female expense?

If my DH did that I’d be finding out the price of full time local childcare and presenting him with a bill for 50% at the end of the month. ‘I’m funding my own mat leave so childcare during that time is a 50/50 split- here’s your bill’

@hugeackmanswife actually the OP said in her 3rd opening paragraph she did everything for the house before the baby was born while working full time ... now she does everything for the baby too. This guy will always be a frog, he’s shown already what his view of a relationship and “wife work” is.

**

it's my duty to take care of everything for the house and the baby because he's working.

saved my own money up .... to cover my half of the household

Ok, you pay 50% of the costs and do 100% of the work ? In what way would that be fair?

what's going to happen when I go back to work

Well, yes, indeed. I am very sorry, this isn't good is it?

My family can be annoyingly old fashioned

Have they any idea that you are paying your way and doing all the work.

I'm not in a position to leave at the moment

This is the link with the freedom programme. He talks the talk about equality until you are stuck and vulnerable , then he is brave enough to show you more of his real self. Make no mistake about it. Inform yourself through the freedom program and start making plans. Get back to work as soon as you can.

So very, very sorry this has happened. What matters is how to deal with it and get out before he grinds you down even more, so that you keep doubting yourself.

All the very best. Stay in touch here on MN as it won't be easy but it really will be simple.

He literally adds nothing to your life - he doesn't support you financially, he doesn't share any parenting duties at all, he created extra housework and he doesn't even provide you with companionship. What is the actual point of him?

In your first post you say you did all the shopping, housework etc alongside working full time before getting pregnant. That's not a 50/50 split.

He's a lazy disrespectful partner and a poor father. He's working a standard eight hour day with a five to ten minute commute. He's taking the piss and you are enabling it. You are working very hard to look after your baby and be his full time maid.

Stop doing his laundry, meals etc. What are his plans for coparenting when you return to work?

So you do

All of the childcare
All of the housework
All of the wifework
And pay half of the bills

I don’t really see the point of him. You’d be better to dump him and get a paying lodger. A lodger would pay half of the bills and you wouldn’t have to cook for them or do their washing AND they’d do half the housework.

And you might get a one night a week off while LO is at her dads.

My OH splits everything with me 50/50 and I'm on mat leave. I also saved to be able to pay my own way and he works about 42 hour weeks at the moment. On a couple of occasions, he's come home from work, run me a bath and taken the baby for some dad time. He also takes the baby to swimming lessons every Sunday. He does all of this because he loves spending time with his son and not out of obligation.

I do more cooking so he often says he'll pick up more of the cleaning. He gets up in the night with baby even when he's working (which I feel terrible for but I'm a really deep sleeper, I often have to ask him to wake me up).

So there you go, same circumstance but we're living two very different lives.

His sense of entitlement and ungrateful attitude is disgusting. Stop doing everything for him for a week so he can see just how much you do. Looking after your LO is a full time gig, too. Bet he couldn't handle a full day in your shoes.

You are "lucky" to be home with baby ? Its not luck - you pay for it Yourself!!

Honestly, id actually stop doing things for him. Stop getting dinner ready for him for when hes home from work, stop washing his clothes etc. THEN ask him if he thinks you're not doing anything for him.

@Dogisout yes! He could be just as 'lucky' to stay at home with them if he'd been saving up half his wages to accommodate this too

His life hasn't changed at all since becoming a parent, if anything it's gotten easier because somehow I'm doing more for him than ever.
He comes home some days and says I'm going out and I never moan but I think imagine if I just said I was going out and left you with baby on your own without checking if you were ok? There's been two occasions where I've gone out for a couple of hours without baby and the first time he had two months notice and the second time I asked my parents because he was being wishy washy about if he'd be home. I have no issue giving him notice of when I'll be out, on the very rare occasion.
I don't understand how he can just take advantage of the fact I'll just do everything so he can do whatever he wants when he wants and then have the cheek to say I don't do anything for him. I don't think I'd mind this situation as much if he showed the slightest bit of gratitude.
Someone has really summed it up, I really am like a nanny rather than a companion.
Don't really know what to do going forward to be honest but honestly I'm so relieved you don't think it's me, i thought I was going mad!

Start by really not doing anything for him, not a thing. No cooking, no washing, diddly. He is a selfish arsehole and needs to shape up or ship out.

He sounds absolutely awful and if I was in your position I'd be seriously thinking about giving ultimatums or leaving.

However, a couple of things you've said makes me wonder if he has some form of post-baby depression. If he was excited and pulling his weight during the pregnancy, something has obviously changed. Miserable, uninterested in being a parent, constantly tired, not being able to do the smallest amount to help - if he showed none of these behaviours before and even showed distain for his own father behaving this way then something had obviously changed him. I think you need a serious conversation about why he has backtracked so much on being the partner and father he promised to be. If he shows no intention of changing, then I'd make plans to leave.

Whatever the case is, this can't continue. Sadly too many men seem to think they can leave the 'boring baby' stage to the mothers and they'll get more involved when the children are 'fun'. He needs to decide if he wants to be a good parent and partner now, or not at all. He's letting you and his child down, so what is he going to do to change that?

Run, get some money together and leave. He will not improve, he is turning into his dad. Save your child a miserable childhood and go.

I don't understand how he can just take advantage of the fact I'll just do everything so he can do whatever he wants when he wants and then have the cheek to say I don't do anything for him.

He does it because you let him do it, and more to the point you outwardly seem happy to mother him as well as the baby because you're not putting your foot down. Dont be a martyr.