To think he's being quite rude?

[tiredmum1875]

Our first child is coming up to 7 months, I saved my own money up from when we started planning for baby to ensure I'd have enough to cover my half of the household finically during my maternity leave.

Since LO was born I've done every single night feed and 99% of nappies, feeds, all the baths, things like tummy time, weaning etc. All me. He comes home, picks baby up for 3-4 minutes and then says "LO wants you" (even though LO is perfectly happy, he just is bored), then eats his dinner which is always ready for him and then sits on his behind watching whatever he wants on the tv until he falls to sleep.

So, I do all the household bits (shopping, cleaning, cooking, bills, bins, etc), as I did before LO was born and I was working full time, and I do everything for baby.

He doesn't even wash up his own stuff if he makes himself food on his days off (which he doesn't spend with us as it's his day off and he needs rest!).

Tonight, he's told me that I do nothing for him, it's my duty to take care of everything for the house and the baby because he's working.

Now, I am loving mat leave and more than happy doing everything for LO, but as I'm sure other parents will agree, sometimes it can be quite lonely and difficult particularly during teething or sleep regression issues. He also doesn't want to talk very much when he gets home as he's been at work all day and is very tired (we've all had bad days where we need a minute but Christ this is every night!).

I just can't believe the cheek of him. I feel like he's been so rude saying I don't do anything for him. I'd like him to imagine a world where there's nothing to wash himself with or dry himself with or WIPE himself with. Where does he think all these things come from?!

Don't get me wrong I understand he's working and I appreciate it, which is why I don't ever ask for help even on the bad nights and why he always has a dinner cooked and clothes washed. He works 8 hours, 5 days a week and the commute is 5-10 mins.

FWIW, no one has ever offered to have LO for an hour whilst I have a bath or an hours sleep in the 7 months they've been born, so whilst I understand he might need a day off, does it not occur to him that perhaps I could do with 5 mins?!
He says I shouldn't moan about anything because I'm so lucky to spend my time with LO - I'm not complaining about the baby in any way, more than happy spending my time with them and I know how lucky I am but part of me is thinking what's going to happen when I go back to work? How am I going to manage all of this with no help from him? I'm exhausted now already!

AIBU to think he's just being a super lazy ungrateful sod or has he got a point?

It grates on me that when I mention being tired or missing adult company he tells me how lucky I am to spend all my time with LO and makes me feel guilty for how I feel, but then when he gets the chance to be with the baby he gives them straight back to me or just says he's too tired to do anything with them?

I don't even say I need a break from the baby, I'd just have liked him to make an effort to be part of the family we decided to make!

OP you are in deep here if you doubted yourself. Are your friends and family not giving you this feedback everytime they come over/you talk? You must be exhausted.

Things are going to get better. Start with the Freedom Programme and find yourself and your voice. It may give you the insight, then strength, to leave him.

My friends can't stand him anymore. They adored him pre pregnancy, they all thought he was fantastic and I was so lucky. Now they think he's a deadbeat and get annoyed with me for still doing things for him.

My family can be annoyingly old fashioned and perhaps even a bit sexist to be honest so they don't see it as an issue - apart from the bins🙄 they do comment on how little time he spends with LO though and they've noticed how he picks them up and passes them to me.

Raising kids taking care of the home is the hardest job in the world! I raised 4 on my own and worked as well. Work was nothing to compared to keeping my home clean seeing after the kids etc.
I got a break when I went to work.
Show that areshole partner of yours this message!
He has no idea how good he has it!

Your husband/partner is a vile misogynist. You should move out quickly.

Are you married?

It is so tough for women when we think we are in a partnership and when we are well and truly committed we discover they only pretended to want a partner when what they wanted is a servant who can't quit when we are treated badly. Adding insult to injury and deception they expect us to be grateful for the privilege of serving their needs and having none of our own.
I am so sorry he is doing this to you.

Are you really surprised that posters, like your friends, are telling you he is a grade a twatbag? He must be emotionally manipulating if you really believe him. What job does he do, because a 9-5 with a minimal commute sounds pretty cushty compared to most people I know. He seems to have a very easy life

Tell him he is every bit as lazy as his dad and you are going out this weekend so he can see how hard it is to look after a little one with no help whatsoever. Stop doing things for him.

No we're not married, if you'd have asked me 18 months ago I'd have said "I'm hoping he proposes one day", now I can safely tell you I'd say no. Why would I pay money to celebrate this relationship or make any further commitments to it?

Although it wouldn't happen because that would mean him actually thinking about me for a second.

I'm not in a position to leave at the moment and he sure as hell won't because he's got it so good and he thinks our relationship is fine, just that I moan too much.

I think I need to really reassess my future.

He’s a cunt, OP. A selfish, misogynistic cunt.

On top of all that, you’re still contributing half to the household finances, so what is he contributing exactly? He can’t even claim he’s providing for you!

Sometimes you just gotta throw the whole man away.

Just so you're aware, him telling you how lucky you are to have all that time with your LO is a horrible guilt trip to lay on you. You are 100% allowed to want (and need) some time doing something other than looking after baby and house stuff without it meaning you are somehow less caring. You are only the best parent you can be if you take care of yourself as well as your child and he is a world class d*head for not supporting you in that. You should like you've been a superhero and you deserve better than you're getting right now.

Hi OP. Really sorry to hear this. Did you not have any idea he’d be like this before you were pregnant? Has it been a total surprise?
We’ve just had a baby who is 10 weeks. My OH wakes up at 5am every morning to feed him before he leaves for work at 6am so that I can sleep, then on the weekends I do any night/early morning feeds. He works from 7am-5pm in a hard manual job, and still helps out when he gets home by taking the baby while I make the dinner, bathing him, sometimes putting him to bed, and he does all the bins and hoovers on the weekend. THIS is a partnership and we respect the work each of us does for our family as a whole.

What you’re dealing with is not a partnership, it’s him taking advantage of you. If you aren’t in the position to leave, I’d just stop doing things for him. Don’t make his dinner, don’t clean his clothes, not sure what I’d do about what you said about not cleaning up if he cooks for himself but everything else just don’t do it for him.

Really hope you can get yourself out of this situation soon. If it helps, think about how this behaviour will influence your little one growing up - do you really want to have your OH as an example for your little one? Xx

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/rules-of-the-game.php

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/graphic.php

OP it sounds like your thought process is going the right way. Please don't slip back.

You are being a brilliant mummy as there is nothing wrong with wanting a quiet shower or 5 minutes to yourself to breathe. This isn't the 1950s and you shouldn't be taking on all the household and child duties by yourself (that being said if it was the 1950s then your partner would be bringing home all the bacon and not you saving before mat leave to ensure your half was covered)

For some context on how a dh/dp should or can behave. My 2nd is now 4 days old. Dh Is doing 80% of the caring of our 2 year old. He is cooking all the meals including bringing me breakfast. Last night at 3am he put his head round the door to check I was ok when feeding, told me off for not drinking enough water and told me i was doing a fantastic job and he was proud of me.

There are only 2 things he wont do.... babies nappies as he is worried about how fragile she is and breastfeeding as he lacks the necessary equipment.

Your partner is not supporting you in anyway..emotionally or physically and needs a swift kick in the crotch.

I hope you either manage to get through to him (if you do want to stay with him) and he steps up and becomes a parent and partner or you walk away with your head held high and enjoy being a parent and your little one.

Passive aggression and denial of basic 'normal' values is abuse. Full stop. Finding yourself in this catalogue of self justification against his complaints or what others might 'think' or judge, questioning yourself.... it's coercive control and abuse. Your narrative is where I was only months ago and just to assure you, it's all too familiar for so many. The abrupt responses of "leave him" may sound unexpected to you but I have no doubt they come from women who are cutting you the crap now and jumping to the bottom line. I've left mine, a man who never did a bath time, shouted at me for tickling the baby too loud, slept in the spare room from before I gave birth because "he had to work!". Took no paternity leave but went on holiday 8 weeks post c-section. Skiing over my first Mother's Day, told me he could hire someone do a better job than I did as a house wife when I shrunk one of his shirts..... finding myself in some 1950s cliche of the neglected, submissive, socially absent house wife but with a good education and career behind me, opinion and voice I had helped muffle for a 'quiet life'......?! The day you start 'losing your shit' you will know and you become someone you don't want to be in reaction to this.... I'm knee deep in the nastiest divorce but happier not living with him.

So before he worked, paid half and did half the housework? Now there’s a lot more work at home with a baby and he does none of it and still pays half?
The first poster summed it up -
*OP, your post joins the thousands And thousands of posts by women who have accidentally attached themselves to an absolute piece of crap.

You have a really nasty man as your partner - lazy, entitled, just hideous all round really.

It’s such depressing reading. I wish we could fast forward to a time where you’ve long left him behind and are happy and can focus on your self respect.*

Hell no you are supposed to be a team what is he contributing?!!
Compare free time then adjust chores until equal.

When I was home with babies my husband worked all day then came home did the washing up then put older kids to bed while the perma boob baby slept on me Until I took them up to bed.

Until your in a position to leave then stop doing things for him.

Rules to live by:
Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Always put your own oxygen mask on before helping others.

I have a nearly 9 month old and this genuinely sounds like my situation. I kicked him out when LO was 5 months old (house completely in my name). Frankly my life is so much better now. Nothing has changed from before I kicked him out in terms of what I do daily but I'm a happier person because I'm not constantly annoyed that there's another grown adult around who could be adding to my life instead of draining from it.

My father was born in 1923 and he was a brilliant hands-on Dad and did many things around the house and with us from tiny.
My DH used to rush back from 12 hour night shift for cuddles with baby and not go to bed until he’d chatted with me/done breakfast dishes/hoovered. I made him a hot meal to come home to every morning and he so appreciated it and me.
He looked after toddler when I had baby, kept housework up, made me meals and drinks, ran me baths, took toddler out so I could rest, now baths them both, feeds them both when he’s home, changes nappies (apart from baby ones when umbilical still attached he was scared of those), he’s come to toddler groups on days off to keep me company. He always puts bins out, does the majority of the garden, the majority of the dog walks. We work as a team, supporting each other and our family unit means everything to both of us.

I am so sorry you do not have a nice man, one who respects and cherishescyou like you deserve, because I think deep down you know he doesn’t. It’s hard to admit to yourself but you need to.
(Years ago my exH did nothing with our daughter, no baths, no meals, no housework, no garden work, I left him after a decade together when I finally realised he was more draining than a child and had isolated and belittled me into a person I did not want to be and I didn’t want him as a role-model for my child)

YANBU... this is very common behaviour 😤

Time to do as he says and start doing nothing for him. From now on you are washing, cooking, shopping and cleaning for you and baby only. He can sleep in nursery and baby can sleep with you. He is your flatmate, not your partner. I’ll bet you’re paying your bills evenly....