To think he's being quite rude?

[tiredmum1875]

Our first child is coming up to 7 months, I saved my own money up from when we started planning for baby to ensure I'd have enough to cover my half of the household finically during my maternity leave.

Since LO was born I've done every single night feed and 99% of nappies, feeds, all the baths, things like tummy time, weaning etc. All me. He comes home, picks baby up for 3-4 minutes and then says "LO wants you" (even though LO is perfectly happy, he just is bored), then eats his dinner which is always ready for him and then sits on his behind watching whatever he wants on the tv until he falls to sleep.

So, I do all the household bits (shopping, cleaning, cooking, bills, bins, etc), as I did before LO was born and I was working full time, and I do everything for baby.

He doesn't even wash up his own stuff if he makes himself food on his days off (which he doesn't spend with us as it's his day off and he needs rest!).

Tonight, he's told me that I do nothing for him, it's my duty to take care of everything for the house and the baby because he's working.

Now, I am loving mat leave and more than happy doing everything for LO, but as I'm sure other parents will agree, sometimes it can be quite lonely and difficult particularly during teething or sleep regression issues. He also doesn't want to talk very much when he gets home as he's been at work all day and is very tired (we've all had bad days where we need a minute but Christ this is every night!).

I just can't believe the cheek of him. I feel like he's been so rude saying I don't do anything for him. I'd like him to imagine a world where there's nothing to wash himself with or dry himself with or WIPE himself with. Where does he think all these things come from?!

Don't get me wrong I understand he's working and I appreciate it, which is why I don't ever ask for help even on the bad nights and why he always has a dinner cooked and clothes washed. He works 8 hours, 5 days a week and the commute is 5-10 mins.

FWIW, no one has ever offered to have LO for an hour whilst I have a bath or an hours sleep in the 7 months they've been born, so whilst I understand he might need a day off, does it not occur to him that perhaps I could do with 5 mins?!
He says I shouldn't moan about anything because I'm so lucky to spend my time with LO - I'm not complaining about the baby in any way, more than happy spending my time with them and I know how lucky I am but part of me is thinking what's going to happen when I go back to work? How am I going to manage all of this with no help from him? I'm exhausted now already!

AIBU to think he's just being a super lazy ungrateful sod or has he got a point?

One thing you cannot do is give up work or go PT to continue to enable him. It's better to leave than do this. STOP doing FA for him. That 50/50 shit is ridiculous. It's also men who try this and say 'equality' but they're never 50/50 in lifework. I had one of these and dumped at the dating stage.

Make sure you have bombproof birth control! Do not get pregnant again to this loser.

Most of all, leave. Tell your folks he's been financially taking advantage of him.

Get up early on Saturday and give him the baby and go out. For at least 6 hours.
Other than food for baby I would leave washing up in sink, washing to be done lots of jobs written in a list.
When you get home ask him how he got on.
The baby will be fine and he might get a much needed kick up the bum.

My dh worked away a lot and I worked pt but although he didn’t pitch in much with house work he was brilliant with our dc and had two allotments so we had fresh veg all year round. On holidays he would look after dc continuously so I could chill because he wanted to give me a break. That’s a decent husband.

Don't be a mug. Book a day away for yourself and leave him to it. Break the cycle.

Sorry what I meant was that before I became pregnant I felt it was 50:50 but then pretty much as soon as I became pregnant he just stopped doing things and I was working full time (with SPD) and doing absolutely everything because he just wouldn't help and things need to be done.

Definitely going to stop doing things for him. Debating having a conversation with him but after last night being so upset and ignored I don't think there's any point.

Although I am off the opinion those who stay at home do the majority of the work in the home ...........the trade off is there is no his and hers money . If he expects you to contribute half to the household expenses then he needs to pay you for the work in the house
I was lucky being of the era when mothers mainly stayed at home after having children ( early 80s ) As long has he had a meal my OH didnt really give a monkeys what else got done in the house lol . We shared our money from the day we moved in together .
I will never understand the his and hers money

Also, no we don't have sex anymore, and he doesn't pester me for it either he doesn't even mention it.

He also sleeps in the spare room because he needs his sleep for work he says.

We've probably "cuddled" about 3 times since baby has been born. He's just not interested and it used to upset me but now perhaps because I am so fed up of cleaning up after him I don't get any urges to be affectionate towards him either. I feel like I've got a baby and a teenager not a baby and a partner.

OP, I am currently on mat leave, baby is 3 months old and my DH works the week at a diff location so is home only on weekends. I do have help round the clock since my Mum was with me for 2 months and now MIL. Not once has DH NOT done everything he can during the weekends to help - night feeds, changing, household work, cooking, washing dishes, etc.. he says when he is home Ma and I should rest, coz we run ragged with the baby during the week. I dont take him up on the offer coz he is dead tired too but it's the thought that matters. YANBU at all, your partner seems to be an incredibly selfish person who is not respecting you as his partner or as the mother of his child.

Tonight, he's told me that I do nothing for him, it's my duty to take care of everything for the house and the baby because he's working

YANBU - of course!
He is not just rude. He is entitled, selfish, lazy full of crap & deluded.
I suggest you actually "do nothing for him." For at least a week.
When he complains (we all know he will complain), tell him "this is what me doing nothing looks like".

does it not occur to him that perhaps I could do with 5 mins?! He says I shouldn't moan about anything because I'm so lucky to spend my time with LO

Perhaps he'd like to swap, with you back in FT work & him being the lucky one at home with the baby. Oh - & also doing everything else you are managing. Which of course he wouldn't OP. You'd end up working FT, then coming home to all of the domestic duty as well.

He doesn't sound like the type to listen, although I bet he gives out plenty - but really all you can do is tell him he is doing sod-all aound the house, sod-all with HIS OWN BABY & he needs to shape up. If he doesn't - well, you have already envisaged you'd feel less lonely without him.

Stick to your guns OP. He's a misognynistic twat who isn't valuing or respecting you & barely spends any time with his child. What's in it for you to stay for?

I honestly thought you were going to say I shouldn't be complaining that's how adamant he is that he's this superhero and I'm some lazy woman who must be chilling out all day every day.

@tiredmum1875 it makes me heartsick to read this. It's not your fault - statements like this are simply your natural response to years of indoctrination from him & his deluded 'man of the house' crap.

Support from pp's here will help you. Please save & re-read @BritishSleeperAgent, @Pinkbonbon & @AtrociousCircumstance's comments every time you feel your sense of self wavering or questioning yourself due to the crap he spouts at you.

He was so 50-50 before I became pregnant. Super clean and helpful. Always telling me how lazy his dad was when he was younger and he'd never be like that, and now look!
Sadly, it's common for emotional & financial abuse to manifest at 'marker points' in a relationship - moving in/marrying/becoming pregnant/having the baby. I won't go into the why's & wherefore's, as you have enough to think on for right now - but you will learn more about them when you start to truly assess what is going on here.
Sorry to say you may need to brace yourself for his unpleasantness to escalate.
Links below.

I actually cried tonight when he said that and he did an impression of me as I walked off.
See what I mean?
Now he feels he has you in a position of subordination (SAHM) he is exploiting what he sees as his right to control & manipulate you. Taking the piss out of a woman you purport to love, while she is crying because you were deliberately cruel to her is ... excuse me OP - the act of an unmitigated cunt. Don't let him have you thinking otherwise.

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

outofthefog.website/

www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

He sounds awful and I agree with what PPs have said.

You say at the beginning that you saved up your own money for mat leave but the only one benefitting his him! You’re still paying your way and doing everything else! Really you should be treated as though you are working as you are still putting the money in.

@tiredmum1875 could he possibly also be cheating when he goes out without notice/ explanation?

He says you do nothing for him?

Time to show him what that really looks like.

Please leave him OP. My ex husband pulled this manipulative crap. I did everything for our two daughters and 95% jobs round the house and he still criticised me (one of his comments was that I wasn’t a proper mum as proper mum’s iron every single day - I never once saw him with an iron in his hand). The entitled selfish behaviour from these men never gets better- it only gets worse. I have piece of mind now as a single parent living on my own with my wonderful children.

Was this written in 1959? Go out with LO let him get his own dinner, do laundry etc. Better yet, if you can go away for a couple of days (midweek) and let him soldier on, do so. I would do nothing for the lazy, selfish bastard. It will not change when you go back to work.

I know it’s been said earlier in the thread but I am completely bemused by women saving up to ‘pay their way’ during maternity leave.

Why do you see this as solely your responsibility?

We put our careers on hold, we accept the discomfort and inconvenience of pregnancy, the risk of birth injuries, the lion’s share of baby care tasks, particularly if breast feeding. On what planet should we be paying for the privilege?

I totally understand a couple cutting back on costs to keep within budget during maternity leave as a joint budget management exercise but why do so many people see it as the woman’s role to bridge the financial gap?

Her partner should not view it as subsidising her, he is sharing the cost. She has no choice but to lose her salary whilst giving birth and caring for their child in its first months of life. The partner should share his salary to compensate the woman for the financial loss she has incurred through bringing his child safely into the world.

It defeats me how men can argue differently and be believed.

@AtrociousCircumstance - said it all. OP, if you were my teenage daughter coming to me in 10 years or my sister to-day, I would cry.

This will not get any better - you need to plan your own life, you only get one - so you really plan on doing everything for tis useless waste of space for the next 30 - 40 years???????

I'm in Suffolk, if you love near there tell me and I'll come and look after LO so you can sleep!! The selfishness of some parents overwhelms me. Why on earth would you have a baby with someone who treats you so poorly? It's bit right, sorry but it's not right at all. My husband and I are a team, I'm very lucky, work and child care between us is shared equally. He already had a child when I met him so seeing him with his son I knew one day he'd be the right husband and father for our children. Did you know your other half might be like this if you had a child with him? You may as well be a single parent, go it alone, he can come visit when he wants to, it'll be no different. Find yourself a new decent man. It can take time but the right man is out there, don't put yourself through years of misery just because you feel you have to. No way does he love or care about you the way you deserve. You sound like an amazing mum and he doesn't deserve you at all. Xx

Sorry for grammar, typed that in a rush! 😆

These are just examples of the pattern. It's not about ticking every single example of only precisely these.

I do think the course would help you if you were up for it. But if you're not ready or don't want to that's fine of course.

The Dominator is an example of a controlling/abusive man. The point is to illustrate the general pattern of behaviour - it's not about being a monster or violent or the most controlling person on the face of the earth. It's just about finding ways to exert power and control; that's damaging to the person on the receiving end whether it's extreme control of not.

Breaking someone's self esteem for example is an effective way to control them, as is restricting their financial position or isolating them from friends/family support.

These are things that are neither normal nor acceptable. They don't feature in healthy relationships.

This is awful. And you're not even loving or affectionate towards each other, or sharing a bed- or having good aspects to your relationship otherwise.

Please DONT remain silent because you 'can't be bothered' to tell him. He needs to f&£king learn a lesson here, and you need to get your self respect back, which starts with finding your voice. Trust me, if you say nothing, later in life you'll look back and absolutely kick yourself (whether you leave him or not).

1. Have your coat and shoes on ready to go and the minute he comes home from work tell him you've got plans this evening and go out. Don't allow any time for a conversation- just go. Go to a mates house, the cinema, anywhere! Perhaps try to arrange a meet-up with a good friend. Your baby will be fine.

1. When you come home at the end of your lovely evening tell him in no uncertain terms about his behaviour and how out of order he's being. See what he has to say for himself after he's looked after his child for an evening.

If he's still unrepentant then take steps to leave ASAP. Oh, and stop contributing your savings starting today!

When I read this OP, I think isn't it easier being on your own and doing all those things for yourself and LO without the additional stress and extra work your DP brings. You already doing it on your own anyway. What is he bringing to the table? Does he even make you happy or smile? No , then get rid

It’s definitely easier on your own OP, I left for reasons as well as the ones you describe from when LO was 18 months old, although I tried leaving him at 6 months LO and his family pretty much bought me out

He had always been fairly clean but it all started when I was nesting and had the house ready for when She was born - I spent a week in hospital very tired and poorly with an unsettled child who didn’t sleep, and I asked him to make sure the house was sorted for us on our return so I didn’t have to clean when Lo was sleeping the first few nights. I came back home to a right mess I was so upset and beat up. Months went by, I was bathing her (he refused because she cried too much and it stressed him out) and doing all the night feeds whilst I was doing my university exams, and he continued to ignore any responsibility with her and went to the gym most nights because he didn’t want to help out. I tried everything, I tried stopping doing his washing (which angered him), only sorting myself and LO out.
You deserve so much better. There’s so much happiness and freedom outside this. Being a single parent is a wonderful experience, I don’t regret a thing!

It would be easier, happier, and less exhausting being a single parent OP. He's dragging you down. I feel so so sad at reading posts like yours... Life is too short to waste your time with "partners" like these.