To think he's being quite rude?

[tiredmum1875]

Our first child is coming up to 7 months, I saved my own money up from when we started planning for baby to ensure I'd have enough to cover my half of the household finically during my maternity leave.

Since LO was born I've done every single night feed and 99% of nappies, feeds, all the baths, things like tummy time, weaning etc. All me. He comes home, picks baby up for 3-4 minutes and then says "LO wants you" (even though LO is perfectly happy, he just is bored), then eats his dinner which is always ready for him and then sits on his behind watching whatever he wants on the tv until he falls to sleep.

So, I do all the household bits (shopping, cleaning, cooking, bills, bins, etc), as I did before LO was born and I was working full time, and I do everything for baby.

He doesn't even wash up his own stuff if he makes himself food on his days off (which he doesn't spend with us as it's his day off and he needs rest!).

Tonight, he's told me that I do nothing for him, it's my duty to take care of everything for the house and the baby because he's working.

Now, I am loving mat leave and more than happy doing everything for LO, but as I'm sure other parents will agree, sometimes it can be quite lonely and difficult particularly during teething or sleep regression issues. He also doesn't want to talk very much when he gets home as he's been at work all day and is very tired (we've all had bad days where we need a minute but Christ this is every night!).

I just can't believe the cheek of him. I feel like he's been so rude saying I don't do anything for him. I'd like him to imagine a world where there's nothing to wash himself with or dry himself with or WIPE himself with. Where does he think all these things come from?!

Don't get me wrong I understand he's working and I appreciate it, which is why I don't ever ask for help even on the bad nights and why he always has a dinner cooked and clothes washed. He works 8 hours, 5 days a week and the commute is 5-10 mins.

FWIW, no one has ever offered to have LO for an hour whilst I have a bath or an hours sleep in the 7 months they've been born, so whilst I understand he might need a day off, does it not occur to him that perhaps I could do with 5 mins?!
He says I shouldn't moan about anything because I'm so lucky to spend my time with LO - I'm not complaining about the baby in any way, more than happy spending my time with them and I know how lucky I am but part of me is thinking what's going to happen when I go back to work? How am I going to manage all of this with no help from him? I'm exhausted now already!

AIBU to think he's just being a super lazy ungrateful sod or has he got a point?

[billy1966]

Oh OP,
Awful to read.
Another poor woman with a baby and an abusive man.

Organise yourself, tell everyone and get out.
Do absolutely nothing for him going forward.
💐

[Raindancer411]

I agree to stop doing things for him, like his washing and cooking dinner for him and see what he says then. You would be better off without him

[BoomyBooms]

OP I'm pregnant and if my husband treated me the way yours has, I would leave. Sometimes life events trigger people to show their true colours and that's what has happened here. He is incredibly selfish, ignorant of your hard work, and disrespectful. How sad for your baby that he's not keen to see them when he gets home, or do activities on weekends.

I also think you sound like superwoman, having saved so well and now raising a happy baby single handedly AND keeping a household running AND cooking!!!

[Brokemyglasses]

This cannot continue. He sounds like my dad - total misogynist - in the 80s. I thought men couldn't get away with that anymore. The self serving entitled attitude, lack of appreciation, lack of generosity, refusal to spend time with baby. It's all vile.

You need to put your foot down.

Either leave or have a very serious chat with ultimatums or do absolutely nothing for him for a month then tell him things are gonna change.

What a horrible man. Sorry you've found this out after you had a child together.

[tiredmum1875]

@BoomyBooms haha thank you!! My friend said she can't believe I haven't had a breakdown and I said "I don't have time!" 😂

I think that's the thing, I'm not super woman I just have to do these things otherwise they won't get done.

Haven't done dinner tonight and have text him today informing him that I'm not his slave and if he's not going to start treating me like a partner then he needs to leave. He ignored the text and is home now, he's hardly spoken to me but he went in the kitchen and said he'd do the washing up in a bit, so he probably thinks all the problems are solved.

He won't though, I'm still waiting for him to fix something in the house he won't let me get someone in to do as he can do it, 7 months it's been so far so that washing up will most likely still be there in the morning!

[BoomyBooms]

Ah, the magical washing up fix-all!!

Honestly, give yourself some credit. I think you'll look back one day and think "wow, I can't believe I achieved so much in such difficult circumstances!".

[Tellmetruth4]

So....are you just venting on here and planning baby No.2? Or are you going to realise you and DC are better off building a life away from this man ASAP?

[Loopytiles]

Will you be returning to work soon? Don’t be financially dependent on this man.

Working with a “partner” like this or single parenting will be very hard. But better than not.

[FizzyIce]

Honestly , it’s sounds difficult being a single parent and it is but it’s much less difficult than having a partner who does fuck all and thinks because he brings money in he can do what he likes and treat you like a slave .
You’re better off out of it

[ButtercupGirI]

My husband is the same, I became sahm since my 2nd and I did EVERYTHING in the house and childcare. I wish I never left my career, I felt so trapped and depressed.

I went back to ft work when my third was 2. How much life has changed, i get help with some chores and childcare. I get to sit down with hot tea!

Unfortunately some partners seems to think you can only be busy if you earn.

Whatever you do, make sure you are not financially dependant on him.

[MashedSpud]

Exh was like this. He did nothing for our 2 dc, never changed a nappy, never bathed them, never made up bottles or fed them. He did very little for himself too apart from bathing and wiping his own arse.

[tiredmum1875]

Definitely going back to work, got all of that sorted and looking forward to it. I've been working hard to get to the stage I'm at in my career and as hard as it'll be to leave LO, I know she is going to be with family who love her and it's the right thing to do for me and her in the long run. Not sure if I've already mentioned that he doesn't want me to go back to work.

[Loopytiles]

Of course he doesn’t. Often a red flag!

That’s great you have family support.

[OoohTheStatsDontLie]

I bet he doesn't want you to go back to work as he will have to do a hell of a lot more at home once the 'but I work!' excuse for doing fuck all with his child or house stuff has run out. If you are using paid childcare, make sure he pays for half. Some men on here if the same ilk as your partner seem to think their child is the mothers responsibility and they either should stay home or pay for childcare...whennin reality it's a household bill to be shared like any other

[Webby01]

Could he possibly have post natal depression?

I doubt it, he sounds like an arsehole, but is it something to maybe consider if his behaviour has completely changed since having the baby.

[Runnerduck34]

Yanbu
You need to have an honest conversation fast, your maternity leave is to.look after LO not to be a housekeeper or general dogs body. It's fine to fit in jobs when you can but it's not fair or reasonable to expect you do everything. He needs to pull his weight round the house but it won't magically happen unless you say something. I'm not surprised youre exhausted, looking after a baby can be draining and you need and deserve time to yourself too. When he's not at work he should be supporting you not being a drain . I would try and maintain financial independence and reassess the situation.

[Mamawingingit1234]

Honestly with every update OP my heart goes out to you! You are doing amazing and sound like an amazing loving mum to your LO. You need to do what’s right for you and LO. It’s not fair to either of you to have someone like this in your life. Leave him as soon as you can, it sounds like all love from the relationship has gone. You don’t want your daughter seeing how he treats you and thinking that’s normal. He’s a selfish ass and need to grownup and man up.

[judithandholofernes]

Has he bonded with the baby? When our DD was born he just didn’t spend time with her. I was feeding her myself so did all the feeds and had her with me all the time.
I booked a spa day and left DD with DH alone all day. They really bonded and since then he’s great with her.
However he’s a useless lazy twat when it comes to housework. He does nothing, never has and never will. Instead I leave him with childcare in the evenings while I do chores or cook etc.

[ReadyPayerTwo]

This sounds like a temporary arrangement and not a relationship on his part.

YADNBU and you really need to seriously consider if it's worth staying with this non-person.

[timeisnotaline]

I’m not surprised he doesn’t want you to go back to work, I’m glad you are! Take a photo of the washing up that’s not done to remind yourself and ask him to leave again.
This isn’t pnd, this is asshole-itis and mostly incurable.

[popsydoodle4444]

OP

It in all honesty sounds as though he isn't ready to be a dad.His behaviour changed when you became pregnant and has become progressively worse.

You say he avoids looking after your LO but from what you say he seems pretty clueless about how to look after your LO.

It sounds as though you guys had a great relationship pre pregnancy and worked well together;could couples counselling be an option?

[FirstTicket]

OP this sounds so much like my situation with my ex. I was doing absolutely everything, and if I ever asked him for one thing (for eg to paint a wall) I would have to wait weeks and weeks until I eventually gave in and did it myself whilst trying to run round after 2 DC.

The worst part was feeling so alone when he was there. It was an empty horrible feeling. He would barely speak to me unless it was to tell me I nagged at him

Eventually I decided to stop doing things for him, because he took more looking after than the children! I tried to stand firm and wouldn’t wash his dishes... he left them in the sink for two weeks and went to work in dirty clothes, then started taking his washing to his mothers.

That was it done for me. He didn’t move out for months after we split up despite me asking on a daily basis. Until I got letters through saying we were getting evicted unless I paid the rent he was meant to be paying When questioned he had the money sat in his bank but couldn’t be bothered to call them and pay!

He found out I slept with someone else (by reading my messages off my computer that was left at home) and he took a strop and moved his stuff out in an hour. Took his precious TV and left. Now tells everyone (including me?) that I cheated on him 😂

[FirstTicket]

Forgot to add, it was the best thing that could have happened to us. I have no regrets.

There was less stress and less for me to do with him gone and I now get time to myself when they go to their dads for a couples days.

[messolini9]

It sounds as though you guys had a great relationship pre pregnancy and worked well together;could couples counselling be an option?

No, no, no - absolutely NOT. DO not enter counselling with him OP!

It is highly risky & professionals recommend never to do so when abuse is present in the marriage. DP will weaponise it & turn it against OP.

This is what happens - www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200905/emotional-abuse-why-your-marriage-counseling-failed

[humblesims]

because he's working
as are you. 24/7 by the sound of it.
List every single thing you do that, if you didnt do it, he would have to pay someone to do. From looking after his child to washing his undercrackers and buying/cooking his food and keeping his house clean. Then fucking bill him. And then leave him. You deserve better. I think you know that. I'm raging for you and all the other women that end up in this situation with clueless entitled men. Jeez