AIBU to think she should make effort to be part of the family?

[Jj2431]

Hi. I need advice on if I am being unreasonable. Please help and be totally honest (I know you will)..

So, a few years ago me and my husband had a huge falling out with my in laws. Mainly due to them not asking after the kids when we spoke to them and just their general seemingly uncaring ways towards our children. During this argument, my BIL girlfriend, who he had only been seeing for 6 months and who we had only met briefly a handful of times, was bashing me to another member of the family (I saw evidence), she called me a mean cow and said I was orchestrating the whole argument (I wasn't). I was angry and upset that someone I barely knew could judge me like that and badly too. I confronted her and during that confrontation I admittedly said some vile things to her. We all fell out and a few months later I realised that even though I was hurt, my reaction to BIL girlfriend had been OTT. I sent her a message to apologise and said I didn't expect her to reply but I wanted her to know I was sorry. She didn't respond and I left it at that.

Fast forward a few years later and we have all made amends and things are better than they've ever been and I'm really happy about it. BIL now lives elsewhere in the country and has married the lady I argued with. We are now in the same family. She is now, in my mind, the children's aunt and I would be to any kids they have in the future but she still hasn't made amends with us and we haven't heard from her and she actively avoids us even on special occasions. Even the kids and MIL birthday and will stay away until she knows we have left. AIBU to think it was years ago, I've apologised and now we are family she should be making effort for at least her husbands sake if not anyone else's? AIBU to think she should message me or husband or turn up at least to special occasions now she's family? I understand we probably won't ever be best friends but I thought forgiveness and civility would happen at the very least now that they are married. I am upset and annoyed by this. Maybe I shouldn't be but family is important to me

Tell me..am I being unreasonable?

I suppose that it all rather depends on what you said to her.
You give the impression that when she was new to the family that she said something that you thought was out of order and that you were somewhat outraged by it.
Maybe, as a newbie to your family she saw , in you, what others daredn’t say.
You say your in-laws didn’t seem caring enough.
What is he back story?
Your SIL seems not to have forgiven you. Why?

Hmm well yes she is but also she doesn't have to forgive you. If she doesn't I think you should just move on, the fact she's technically auntie etc means nothing in real terms. She IBU but so are you expecting her to change. You can only control what you feel not anyone else

She doesn’t see you as family. You aren’t I blow hot and cold and some people don’t want the drama so stay away.

You made this bed, and you need to realise other people are you very differently.

I don't know why she hasn't forgiven me. Yes, I admit I was personal in my 'comeback' to her but I have apologised and don't know what else I can do to fix it?

The back story is a long one but over years it just felt to us that no one cared to see or ask after our children. Everyone jumped onto every argument there was too and would rather walk away from the children than to stay out of our arguments with other members of the family. In the end it came to a head. Me and DH admitted our faults and they did theirs so thats where we are now and it has been great. I just would have thought she may show up to birthdays or try to say hello even if nothing else considering lots change over years and I have said sorry to her and my in laws for my part.

She doesn't want you in her life, it's as simple as that. You seem to think your apology should have patched things up. She clearly feels differently so I suggest you leave her alone.

During this argument, my BIL girlfriend, who he had only been seeing for 6 months and who we had only met briefly a handful of times, was bashing me to another member of the family (I saw evidence), she called me a mean cow and said I was orchestrating the whole argument (I wasn't). I was angry and upset that someone I barely knew could judge me like that and badly too. I confronted her and during that confrontation I admittedly said some vile things to her.

This is very vague.

Was she in the argument your in laws?
Who did she 'bash' you to?
What did she say?
What did you say to her that was vile?

It's really difficult to give an ooinion without thie info.

Please be aware that she is the one missing out on family events.

Depends on what was said. It was obviously 'close to the bone' if she's still keeping her distance.
I'd not be bothered. Don't go running after her.

what exactly did you say to her though ?

Fair play to her. She is staying out your way and not trying to be a hypocrite and force a relationship with you that she doesn’t want.

She was new to the family and you were nasty to her. You might have apologised but she clearly won’t forget.

A friend of mine had a massive argument with her SIL once. It was years ago and they'd got on fine before it, but it was of such magnitude that they can't seem to come back from it. I guess it's the same here. You've done all you can OP - just leave it now and stop worrying about it.

Thank you everyone

She might just not be interested in a relationship with you. Her marrying your bil doesn't automatically mean she has to partake in family events. She didn't marry the whole family. If its a thing she just doesn't like you and your Dh then she really doesn't have to make an effort to pretend to. I don't like my sil, though Dh is the same, so we have nothing to do with her or her family. You need to simply accept that this woman doesn't want a relationship with you.

Are you avoiding telling us what you said because it was really bad?

You were obviously so vile that she didn't accept your apology a few months later. The fact that she didn't reply suggests that.

YABU to think she should make any effort to spend time with you. She doesn't want to.

Yes, I admit I was personal in my 'comeback' to her but I have apologised and don't know what else I can do to fix it?

Am wondering how you could be ‘personal’ in your insults towards a person you’d only met briefly a handful of times? How could you possibly have formed a fulsome enough impression of her in these brief meetings that would enable you to get personal?

Did you insult her physical appearance?

Nah, she's keeping away from any drama. Can't really blame her.

There seemed to be an awful lot of arguments going on.

Maybe she wants to avoid the chance of them happening to her family

I guess it depends on what the “vile things” you said were. Whilst an apology was the right thing to do, it may be that you crossed a line which she is simply not prepared to move past.

It’s not as though she tries to prevent you seeing her husband, interferes in your relationship with your PIL or wider family, or even tries to stop you attending family events- she simply absents herself when she knows you will be about.

I can't stand grudge-bearers, but I think you may just have to cut your losses on this one. She isn't interested. She probably never was. And it sounds like it's her who is losing out and making her life difficult. Try not to think too hard about it, you have apologised and years have passed, there's not much else you can do

I wouldn’t me messaging you or turning up at events either. She is under no obligation too and can spend her time with whom she likes.

Your BIL is free to make his own choices but he doesn’t get to choose for his wife.

It all sounds very OTT with all the arguments, she likely feels it’s much better to have nothing to do with it.

Some arguments are hard to get over, and some people will,always hold a grudge.

You have apologised, she hasn’t.

I think you leave it at that. Invite them to family gatherings you host, if they have a baby send a gift and your warm wishes.

One day it might thaw.

Maybe she just doesn't like you

You sound like hard work and very confrontational OP. I would be giving you a swerve as well apart from total necessary politeness.

I think her behaviour is quite dignified actually.

She's not demanding family members take sides, she's not wanting you to be excluded from family events, she's just quietly choosing to avoid seeing you.

Some things once said, can't be brushed over with an apology. Take it as a lesson learned next time you decide to make a 'vile and personal' attack on someone.

You can't expect people to make an effort and show an interest in your children just because it's what YOU want. Maybe she's just not that sociable, is happy with her own immediate relatives and just can't be bothered with it? To be honest you sound a bit full on.