AIBU to think she should make effort to be part of the family?

[Jj2431]

Hi. I need advice on if I am being unreasonable. Please help and be totally honest (I know you will)..

So, a few years ago me and my husband had a huge falling out with my in laws. Mainly due to them not asking after the kids when we spoke to them and just their general seemingly uncaring ways towards our children. During this argument, my BIL girlfriend, who he had only been seeing for 6 months and who we had only met briefly a handful of times, was bashing me to another member of the family (I saw evidence), she called me a mean cow and said I was orchestrating the whole argument (I wasn't). I was angry and upset that someone I barely knew could judge me like that and badly too. I confronted her and during that confrontation I admittedly said some vile things to her. We all fell out and a few months later I realised that even though I was hurt, my reaction to BIL girlfriend had been OTT. I sent her a message to apologise and said I didn't expect her to reply but I wanted her to know I was sorry. She didn't respond and I left it at that.

Fast forward a few years later and we have all made amends and things are better than they've ever been and I'm really happy about it. BIL now lives elsewhere in the country and has married the lady I argued with. We are now in the same family. She is now, in my mind, the children's aunt and I would be to any kids they have in the future but she still hasn't made amends with us and we haven't heard from her and she actively avoids us even on special occasions. Even the kids and MIL birthday and will stay away until she knows we have left. AIBU to think it was years ago, I've apologised and now we are family she should be making effort for at least her husbands sake if not anyone else's? AIBU to think she should message me or husband or turn up at least to special occasions now she's family? I understand we probably won't ever be best friends but I thought forgiveness and civility would happen at the very least now that they are married. I am upset and annoyed by this. Maybe I shouldn't be but family is important to me

Tell me..am I being unreasonable?

My SIL (husband's brother's wife) doesn't like me or my husband. We've never been entirely sure why - we did ask BIL when she stopped talking to us if we'd said something awful without meaning to but he said he didn't know what it was that had upset her. Either way, we don't see her now much at all. We live in the same city and saw her at my FIL funeral but other than that she avoids us. I think that's fine, she doesn't need to like us - she obviously doesn't want to tell us what the problem is (and neither does her DH) and we manage to see plenty of my BiL and our nephew. It works, its fine and we don't have to force a relationship with someone just because she happens to be married to someone we do like. Same with your SiL, she obviously dislikes you, and, having read your post I don't think you like her much either - why do you need to see her?

If everyone has a problem but you, it usually means you are the problem.

You fell out with your whole family for not asking about the kids enough? That sounds a bit precious to me TBH.

My husband has a family member like that. Doesn’t speak to his own mother for having the audacity to go on holiday and not be available for babysitting on a whim. Apparently that makes her a shit grandparent who doesn’t care about her grandchildren. His wife also said some incredibly vile things to his mother and knowing what she said, I fully understand why she doesn’t like to be in the same room as her DIL now.

Some things you just can’t come back from OP and if you have form for it, maybe she just doesn’t think it’s worth the effort.

Thank you everyone

I take it OP is not planning to come back.

I think the "family events" the OP is talking about are her family events - she's talked about her kids birthdays.

The SIL still saw MIL on her birthday - she just waited until the OP had gone.

I think the only events the SIL is missing out on are the OP's events.

Which I don't blame her for.

She shouldn't have been slating you to other family members and you shouldn't have said whatever it was that was do vile you won't repeat it here.
She doesn't have to like you or be your friend or forgive you or spend any time with you. It's entirely her choice and you have no right to expect (or demand) otherwise.
My DH has a family member who has been nothing but rude since we met - I choose to have no contact and no amount of apologies would make me change that choice. You just have to accept her position.

I don’t blame her tbh. You confronted her, which generally means you didn’t let her get a word in edgeways and just ranted at her adding some seemingly nice touches. Imagine she came on AIBU and reversed your story (as you’ve told it). 98% would tell her to ignore you, your her bf’s SIL and if you choose not to, won’t have to have anything to do with you. The other 2% would do the typical oh turn the other cheek for family relations! What would you have said to her?

She has been dignified and taken a huge step back. I can only assume you weren’t not invited to the wedding!

OP, you seem to have very strong beliefs about how people “should” act and become confrontational when they don’t. It’s worth thinking about that.

You admit you said “vile” personal things about your SIL. You apologised, okay, but that doesn’t mean she has to expose herself to your abuse again. You can’t make her do what you want, and it doesn’t help you to get so worked up that she is holding her boundary.

I married one man, not his entire family. I quite like my SILs, but I don’t feel any more obligated to see them than I do any other acquaintances. Perhaps your SIL feels similarly?

YABU

Clearly what you said was so vile as to be unforgivable otherwise you'd have said what you said.

It says quite a lot that you will detail her words, but not what exactly you said to her. Your own admission is that you were OTT.
She has no time for you, and she is under no obligation to have anything to do with you. She attends family occasions and seems to be quite dignified.
Move on.

What did you say to her though? You say that you didn't know each other but said some 'vile' things so I take it what you said was very much a personal attack. If this is the case I can understand why she would want nothing to do with you. Especially as what she said about you seems quite tame and actually fair comment even from hearing the story from your own perspective.

You're still being far too vague to really have an opinion tbh, we need to know what was said.

Re the original disagreement, if your in-laws weren't showing much interest in your children you should have just accepted that. You can't force relationships or connections.

@Jj2431

I assume you weren't invited to wedding?
And in also assume you wont tell us what you said

She hasnt forgiven you that is her right and doesnt want anything to do with you

There are some comments that won’t be forgotten even if you apologise. She isn’t raking it up but she probably doesn’t like you.

No-one owes you a friendship or relationship of any kind.

Just because she's married to your BIL, doesn't mean she has to want contact with you.

OP is clearly not coming back

but if SIL is on here: hats off to you, not getting involved in anymore drama and staying well away.

Thinking about your thread title though OP

She is part of the family. Avoiding you and your DH doesn't mean she's not making an effort.

The family is bigger than you two and your kids.

It sort of sounds like maybe you did orchestrate the argument. So the family weren't deeply invested in you and the kids. Some families just aren't all over each other; they're standoffish and superficial. Or they find it hard to emote. Whatever. It's how some people are.
But demanding they take an intense interest in your children is a bit much. Just let people be and then choose how much you wish to share with them.

And then after forcing a family fight, you also confront her. She will have been listening to your BIL, who would have had all the information if he spoke to his brother and his parents. So what she said was most likely true. And you thought you'd march up and scream personal insults at her? An apology doesn't cut it. She's not interested in being anything to you. That's her choice. You made your bed.

Oh god, so much drama. I have been together with my husband for 17 years. I have never had an argument or falling out with any member of my husbands family. How do you have time for all these arguments?

She didn't like you initially - you say she was badmouthing you to other family members & disagreeing with your behaviour

Then you launched an unpleasant verbal attack on her - probably reinforcing & justifying her dislike of you

Then you apologise - big deal, well done you - she probably either thought it wasn't sincere & you had already shown your true colours, or she accepted it but does not want the drama & aggravation in her life - either way she choses to avoid you, which seems quite dignified of her.

She's not looking for drama & more arguments, there is no mention of her trying to have you sidelined or excluded from events or getting people to turn against you, she just avoids you - fair enough. As for her being an aunty to your kids & vice versa, I think if she doesn't like you enough to be able to tolerate being in your company, you won't be getting much time with any kids she has & she won't be around yours much. She may be wrong, she may have misjudged you & be very unfair, I don't know, but her behaviour seems to be a logical consequence of what has alrady happened between you.

AIBU to think she should make an effort to be part of the family?

Has she actually opted out of the family altogether or does she just avoid you personally?
By your own admission, you said vile things to her. You have apologised but she is not being unreasonable in deciding that she wants nothing to do with you. She in allowed to draw her own boundaries. You know what you said but you cannot know how much it upset her.

I agree with pp who said that unless you give us some idea of the “bashing” she was giving you and why, and what you said in response, it is impossible to comment.

One of my SIL's was vile to me once. We are civil and my kids love her, however I will never put myself in a position where I will allow that to happen again. So I keep my distance.

IME people who 'can't stand grudge-holders' like to go around treating people like crap, but then like to play the victim.

I would probably avoid you and all the drama too.