AIBU to think she should make effort to be part of the family?

[Jj2431]

Hi. I need advice on if I am being unreasonable. Please help and be totally honest (I know you will)..

So, a few years ago me and my husband had a huge falling out with my in laws. Mainly due to them not asking after the kids when we spoke to them and just their general seemingly uncaring ways towards our children. During this argument, my BIL girlfriend, who he had only been seeing for 6 months and who we had only met briefly a handful of times, was bashing me to another member of the family (I saw evidence), she called me a mean cow and said I was orchestrating the whole argument (I wasn't). I was angry and upset that someone I barely knew could judge me like that and badly too. I confronted her and during that confrontation I admittedly said some vile things to her. We all fell out and a few months later I realised that even though I was hurt, my reaction to BIL girlfriend had been OTT. I sent her a message to apologise and said I didn't expect her to reply but I wanted her to know I was sorry. She didn't respond and I left it at that.

Fast forward a few years later and we have all made amends and things are better than they've ever been and I'm really happy about it. BIL now lives elsewhere in the country and has married the lady I argued with. We are now in the same family. She is now, in my mind, the children's aunt and I would be to any kids they have in the future but she still hasn't made amends with us and we haven't heard from her and she actively avoids us even on special occasions. Even the kids and MIL birthday and will stay away until she knows we have left. AIBU to think it was years ago, I've apologised and now we are family she should be making effort for at least her husbands sake if not anyone else's? AIBU to think she should message me or husband or turn up at least to special occasions now she's family? I understand we probably won't ever be best friends but I thought forgiveness and civility would happen at the very least now that they are married. I am upset and annoyed by this. Maybe I shouldn't be but family is important to me

Tell me..am I being unreasonable?

Sounds like she's busy trying to avoid the drama. You can apologise, but you can't make someone accept it.
It's likely she does still have contact with other family members, it's just your small section of the family that she's doesn't engage with. And if you've made "vile" personal attacks at her I can't say I blame her.
I think you just need to accept there won't be any contact between you and leave it at that.

Plus, if she felt you were orchestrating the argument between your DH and his family, she had a right to say so.

Just because she was only with your BIL for 6 months at that time, doesn't mean she's not allowed to say what she thinks.

As she'd only met you a handful of times at that point, it's very likely she formed her opinion based on what the rest of the family thought anyway.

YANBU

Tbh from your description of what happened, I would probably blank you too and avoid you at all costs. I don't do yelling and screaming matches. If you acted in that manner towards me I would disengage and not give you another opportunity to repeat it. Even if there was wrong on both sides maybe just accept this as your new normal

@Jj2431

"I don't know why she hasn't forgiven me. Yes, I admit I was personal in my 'comeback' to her but I have apologised and don't know what else I can do to fix it?"
Some things people say are just totally unforgivable and maybe what you said was. Just because you want things to be different now doesn't mean they should be. Be wiser in future about the things you say when angry.

I think you are being unreasonable.

Given that you launched a personal attack on her which is so bad you can't even tell us about it, I think she's being pretty moderate.

Saying she's holding a grudge is unfair too. She is not making things massively difficult, she is just not wanting to be in a room with someone she does not like and probably does not trust. Calling her a grudge holder (I know this is other posters and not you) is really missing the point. Is someone who chooses not to be in the same room as their violent ex holding a grudge?

You appear to have caused her a great deal of hurt. Some things don't go away with a little apology note. You recognize that you did something vile but you don't expect the consequences of that to last and you seem to have very rigid views of what others should to to make things easier for you/ to make you happier. I think the person who needs to change here is you.

Sounds like you like creating drama, and I’m guessing things must be quiet on that front in the rest of the family so you are making the poor woman your target again. She’s seen what you’re capable of, thinks you’re unpleasant and just doesn’t want to force a friendship with you. Leave her alone fgs.

Leave her alone a few of you have said..I haven't contacted her since all those years ago so that is a pointless statement to make.

Also, where are you getting that I created drama? My husband and BIL argued and I agreed with my husband but didn't actually say a bad word about or argue with my in laws about it until I saw the girlfriend slate me behind my back when she didn't know me and had gone on the word of the in laws. That hurt me, I retaliated by calling her an ugly fat cow and told her she had no right. I realised there was no need for the personal attack on her even though she had been nasty about me behind my back when she didn't know me and I apologised in great detail and I even went on to get anger management after as I realised I do react without thinking. I am so much better now and my in laws clearly see that as my relationship has never been better with them but thanks for your honest opinions and I agree that I can't force her and I admit that because of the past we probably won't be close but she is a member of my family and I would have liked us all to be in the same room as some stage but clearly she doesn't want to and I think it's a shame for all of us including my kids and any they may have. I don't like drama and haven't created any but I am the first to admit in the PAST I over reacted to things. I'm very good at being calm and handling heated moments better now.

😂😂😂. This is a joke.

That hurt me, I retaliated by calling her an ugly fat cow

I CALLED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳

*I am upset and annoyed by this. Maybe I shouldn't be but family is important to me

Tell me..am I being unreasonable?*

Yes, you are BVU. After your behaviour, you don't have the right to be 'annoyed' because she's still avoiding you, she doesn't have to jump just because you've crooked your little finger.

IME people who 'can't stand grudge-holders' like to go around treating people like crap, but then like to play the victim. I totally agree with this.

I’ve been criticised by in laws constantly over the last few years. They are now, like you OP, outraged that I am not ‘making the effort’ or as it were, asking about them and their kids.

Why on earth would I? Why on earth would your IL? You want more than civil and forgiveness, you want them to cowtow a bit to you - that is what ‘taking an interest’ means in this case.

That hurt me, I retaliated by calling her an ugly fat cow that’s pretty bad.

And why didn’t you go for the ILs who had lied as you said and stirred up the main trouble in the first place? I imagine she heard the lie, if it was such, and joined in, why did you then Target her?

I imagine she knows you don’t like her as you wouldn’t have gone for her above anyone else.

She doesn't want you in her life, it's as simple as that. You seem to think your apology should have patched things up. She clearly feels differently so I suggest you leave her alone.

This

I didn't know her well enough to dislike her like she clearly did me to slate me in the first place, so no I didn't dislike her and I still don't. I was angry and hurt at the time, there is a difference. I went for her as she was the one who targeted me personally. BIL didn't.

I do love how so many people here are making out like they've never said anything mean in the heat of the moment. I did. I'm human and I was horrible and admitted it and apologised.

Ya I wouldn’t want anything to do with you either. She didn’t like you and your dramatics much to start with, as evidenced by the ‘slating’ she gave you, and then you launched your (self described) vile, personal attack on her, thus making the relationship and her opinion of you completely unsalvageable, which is unsurprising really.
As for your ‘she should try to be part of the family’ stuff, well in being married to your BIL, she is part of the family. She just wants nothing to do with you. You can’t make her do what you want.

You called her an ugly fat cow and are wondering why she doesn’t like you????

My SIL said some awful things to me a few years ago. We will never be close. I will be polite and civil at family events for DH’s sake, but I will never forget it.

And I AM part of the family, thanks.

So, a few years ago me and my husband had a huge falling out with my in laws. Mainly due to them not asking after the kids when we spoke to them and just their general seemingly uncaring ways towards our children.

Are you sure it was about the kids? If you needed anger management, it could well have been you they didn't like/were avoiding and the kids kind of got caught up in it, in the sense they may have felt they couldn't show too much interest and avoid you?

And in that case, your SIL could well have been right to see it as you being the person orchestrating the rows, whether it was intentional or not.

It's always going to be difficult when someone with anger issues marries into a family.

For the life of me I don't know why people post sensitive stuff on AIBU. People are vile on here for the sake of it OP.

She was WAY out of line to bash you when she was 1. New to the family and 2. Waded into a family argument. I'd say she's trouble. So perhaps it's a good job she's voting with her feet because she stirs shit. You don't need someone like her around.

Bravo for you and your family who have the capacity to argue: the vast majority of Brits simmer violently under the surface but never, or very rarely, have it out properly like adults. Bravo you - I'd prefer a family like yours any day.

Let her go. She's very likely a troublemaker.

What dramatics? And so it is okay for someone to slate me but I'm 100% wrong on my own, no one else because I reacted to that and apologised? Also, I'm not trying to make her do anything, I'm asking for opinions and advice, which I have had to some extent but lots of judging on my personality based on one comment I made when upset and not much else.

You can't just hurl insults like that and expect someone to grovel at your feet, do you have anger management problems.

The arguments with your family members, you literally wrote in your opening post the backstory of arguments with family members, and then later said you have anger issues. I’ve not said it was okay for her to ‘slate’ you, so I am unsure where you have seen that in my post, but that it’s unsurprising that she wants nothing to do with you now. Sometimes you can’t fix situations and it’s better just to leave it. You’ve tried, it didn’t work.

YABU.

She doesn't like you enough to accept your apology or have a relationship with you. It's as simple as that. And quite honestly if someone I barely knew said those things to me then I wouldn't want to know them either.

She was in the wrong to say things about you, but what you said was worse and you weren't close enough to move past it. Just because you sent a text saying 'sorry' does not mean she has to forgive you or become involved in your life. It's probably not a grudge, she just doesn't like you enough to bother.

Also, I'm not trying to make her do anything

Yet your OP and title say very clearly what you think she “should” do.

Now people here have disagreed with your stance, you’ve started lashing out again...