AIBU to think she should make effort to be part of the family?

[Jj2431]

Hi. I need advice on if I am being unreasonable. Please help and be totally honest (I know you will)..

So, a few years ago me and my husband had a huge falling out with my in laws. Mainly due to them not asking after the kids when we spoke to them and just their general seemingly uncaring ways towards our children. During this argument, my BIL girlfriend, who he had only been seeing for 6 months and who we had only met briefly a handful of times, was bashing me to another member of the family (I saw evidence), she called me a mean cow and said I was orchestrating the whole argument (I wasn't). I was angry and upset that someone I barely knew could judge me like that and badly too. I confronted her and during that confrontation I admittedly said some vile things to her. We all fell out and a few months later I realised that even though I was hurt, my reaction to BIL girlfriend had been OTT. I sent her a message to apologise and said I didn't expect her to reply but I wanted her to know I was sorry. She didn't respond and I left it at that.

Fast forward a few years later and we have all made amends and things are better than they've ever been and I'm really happy about it. BIL now lives elsewhere in the country and has married the lady I argued with. We are now in the same family. She is now, in my mind, the children's aunt and I would be to any kids they have in the future but she still hasn't made amends with us and we haven't heard from her and she actively avoids us even on special occasions. Even the kids and MIL birthday and will stay away until she knows we have left. AIBU to think it was years ago, I've apologised and now we are family she should be making effort for at least her husbands sake if not anyone else's? AIBU to think she should message me or husband or turn up at least to special occasions now she's family? I understand we probably won't ever be best friends but I thought forgiveness and civility would happen at the very least now that they are married. I am upset and annoyed by this. Maybe I shouldn't be but family is important to me

Tell me..am I being unreasonable?

Were you invited to their wedding?

She is done with you. It does not matter how you feel about it.

You burned the bridge.

My DH’s brother’s wife said horrific things to me and about me when I was new to the finally — calling me fat, ugly, loudly saying there was no point in me putting on make up as it wouldn’t improve anything. I was offended and asked DH about her and he said she was high maintenance and jealous of everything and to just ignore her as nobody considered her family - they just tolerated her because of bil and DN.

It’s interesting that you’ve made it a point to detail exactly what she did & said - like calling you a mean cow - yet you haven’t told us what you said to her, just alluded to it

The person you have said sorry to doesnt have to accept your apology. Or they can accept your apology in the sense of not prolonging the argument but decide that they dont ever want to be in your company.

If you can see that what you said was vile then at the receiving end it was probably worse. There may be no coming back from what you said.

Have you asked your mil or bill what's going on? Sounds like you said some horrible things to someone new to the family before you both had a chance to build any relationship. Maybe she just cant be bothered? Also, depending on what you said, maybe a single text isn't enough. If you want things to move on, why dont you contact her again reiterating what you said and explaining that you want things to be ok so wont cause any trouble so she doesnt need to avoid you. Depends on what you actually said to her though....

You said your attack on her was quite personal so it’s hardly surprising she doesn’t like you.

You seem to attract drama with your family relationships and she, understandably, doesn’t want any part in that.

I don’t think yabu and I agree she should make an effort it makes it easier on the family as a whole.
She is the one missing out and that’s her choice. Leave her to it, don’t waste your energy.

GrumpyHoonMain have you considered that the OP could be her?

I would guess she sees you as being a source of conflict (she sid you orchestrated the original argument). She thinks you are an argumentative person and she doesn't want to be around arguments - especially on family occasions. Which is fair enough.

You apologised for the vile things you said (presumably since you won;t say what they were, they are extremely unpleasant) it's good that you apologised, but she obviously can;t forget the things you said. 'Sorry' doesn't always make everything OK, it's not a get out for being horrible to people.

So I would leave her alone - it's up to her whether she wants to see you or not, or go to birthdays etc.

Just because you apologised doesn't mean she has to accept the apology. Maybe what you said was unforgivable?

@RainingFrogsAndHats - can’t be as my sil and I never had a blow out. I just quietly kept my distance - still involve her in family events etc but am not friendly with her. As I said I tolerate my sil only because of bil (DH’s brother) and DH both of whom I adore.

I can't imagine fighting with anyone for not being interested enough in my kids. I think you crossed a boundary and it's done now.

With some people, you get one chance. One. These people usually have strong boundaries and high self-esteem. If you said vile things to her, I think she's protecting herself as she knows what you're capable of and good on her.

Hmm, I suspect you said something pretty horrible about her given you described it as vile. Depending what you said, I may well not want to make up either. It is difficult to say with certainty given you were vague.

YABU
You’re probably more trouble than your worth.

Why don’t you stay away from every second family event to let her attend.

The drama started with you and here you are taking the high ground

You won't say what you said, so I'll assume it was bad.

There are some things that are hard to forgive!

Everyone jumped onto every argument there was too and would rather walk away from the children than to stay out of our arguments with other members of the family.

Sounds like you are quite argumentative, OP.

Hmmm, you feel out with your in laws because they didn't fawn all over you and your children. Now SIL isn't falling in line with everyone else and fawning over them as well, you're not happy.

Did you go to the wedding? Were you invited? What about BIL? Does he turn up to family events etc?

Depends on what you said to her

I can't really see how she's doing anything wrong not wanting to socialise with you. You had a big falling out. The argument hasn't continued but she prefers to stay out of your way. Probably to avoid any drama or trouble or pretending to get along when you don't.
YABU.

You've pissed her off so she doesn't want to know you which is understandable.

I am probably in the minority but I simply don’t understand when parents get so upset when people such as ILs are not interested in their children . My ex in-laws weren’t the slightest bit interested in my children ( still aren’t) and disliked me but I saw it as a bonus that they weren’t in our lives . My DC had my family and friends who loved them so didn’t miss out.
As others have said , she clearly doesn’t want to associate with you so leave it.

FWIW I think this can be a difficult relationship - that with your spouse's sibling's spouse. It's not a close relationship but you can often end up in the same places. My BILs' partners and I aren't close, we are civil but if I never saw them again I wouldn't mind.

She's under no obligation to forgive you just because she married your BIL.

Accept you fucked up with her and move on from it.