AIBU to think she should make effort to be part of the family?

[Jj2431]

Hi. I need advice on if I am being unreasonable. Please help and be totally honest (I know you will)..

So, a few years ago me and my husband had a huge falling out with my in laws. Mainly due to them not asking after the kids when we spoke to them and just their general seemingly uncaring ways towards our children. During this argument, my BIL girlfriend, who he had only been seeing for 6 months and who we had only met briefly a handful of times, was bashing me to another member of the family (I saw evidence), she called me a mean cow and said I was orchestrating the whole argument (I wasn't). I was angry and upset that someone I barely knew could judge me like that and badly too. I confronted her and during that confrontation I admittedly said some vile things to her. We all fell out and a few months later I realised that even though I was hurt, my reaction to BIL girlfriend had been OTT. I sent her a message to apologise and said I didn't expect her to reply but I wanted her to know I was sorry. She didn't respond and I left it at that.

Fast forward a few years later and we have all made amends and things are better than they've ever been and I'm really happy about it. BIL now lives elsewhere in the country and has married the lady I argued with. We are now in the same family. She is now, in my mind, the children's aunt and I would be to any kids they have in the future but she still hasn't made amends with us and we haven't heard from her and she actively avoids us even on special occasions. Even the kids and MIL birthday and will stay away until she knows we have left. AIBU to think it was years ago, I've apologised and now we are family she should be making effort for at least her husbands sake if not anyone else's? AIBU to think she should message me or husband or turn up at least to special occasions now she's family? I understand we probably won't ever be best friends but I thought forgiveness and civility would happen at the very least now that they are married. I am upset and annoyed by this. Maybe I shouldn't be but family is important to me

Tell me..am I being unreasonable?

Thanks everyone.

I really dislike the excuse “I’m human” when they’ve behaved badly. It’s a cop out.

Who calls someone an ugly fat cow & expects them ever speak to them again?

I get the feeling it’s you who is the outsider in the family & likely just tolerated due to being the wife. She is not your family & does not consider you to be hers. You are connected by marriage but she ain’t your family. Even if she was your family it’s still understandable that she would cut you off after what you said.

This is an important lesson in the power of words & how “sorry” does not always fix things. Some actions you just can’t take back. I hope you see the lesson & learn to bite your tongue in future....or at least have the self awareness to understand the consequences being nasty to someone are. To learn to respect that some people’s boundaries will not allow for second chances after being the recipient of such behaviour. To know that you better truly despise someone before you go running your mouth off at them because there is no going back.

It doesn’t sound like your anger management did much, if you didn’t learn that apologies are not magic words & that you must accept the consequences of your behaviour.

OP, that may be your final post but I'm not sure you've learnt anything from the replies.
Your words hurt. And you need to acknowledge that.
Until you realize that there's no hope.

I think she finds you very forceful OP. Judging by the tone of your post and further replies on this thread, it’s all about what YOU want. You want others to be bothered about your children when they didn’t want to. You confronted them and listed their faults? Then apologised? You need to understand that your inlaws are adults! If they decided to not be bothered about your kids, it’s their choice! The same with your SIL, you were nasty to her, she doesn’t want blow hot blow cold types in her life, her choice. If you wanted a “family” you should have behaved and not made the choice of having a go at her! This distance she is maintaining is a consequence of YOUR choices. You can’t have your cake and eat it too !

I'm human and I was horrible and admitted it and apologised.

She’s human too and doesn’t accept your apology 🤷‍♀️

But none of what you say matters to HER @Jj2431

You can only make peace with you and well done for the AM

But You can't control how someone else feels about you and you certainly can't expect someone to accept your apology

You need to stop making excuses draw a line after you've learned the lessons and move on

Be kind and compassionate rather than right (correct). It creates a much happier life for yourself

You were a dick to her and she hasn’t forgiven that or perhaps just hasn’t forgotten so keeps you at arms length. I don’t blame her tbh.

Hmm. I'd be giving you a wide berth. Once bitten, twice shy etc. You sound like bloody hard work frankly, life's to short to invite other people's drama into it. Leave her alone. You don't like one another.

Seems like you only apologised to make yourself feel better.

@AlternativePerspective"Going to go against the grain here and say that it sounds to me as if she loves a drama."

It really depends and I dont think we have enough info to judge whether its OP or SIL who "loves a drama".

I have a BIL and SIL who I, and others in the family, will actively avoid - because they say and do nasty, judgemental and passive/ aggressive things, sh*t stirring, quick tempers and generally just itching for a fight - but as soon as anyone responds in a way they don't agree with, they claim victimhood and get twice as nasty, even if a normal person would consider the response reasonable and attempting to handle the situation maturely. Basically, they'll happily dish out but not take it.

The path of least drama dealing with them is to minimise any interaction and avoid them at family functions- we still get whinged and run down behind our backs, but it's the quietest, least exhausting / stressful option and the rest of us just get on with our lives.

Also, just to add, sometimes an apology isn't an apology at all - I've seen plenty of so called "apologies" that were just someone trying to justify why they did something rather than genuine remorse and a true apology.

Not saying you might not be right, (could be SIL being drama-llama), I simply think we are only getting one, selectively told side of the story here.

Obviously if there is history of a person having falling outs and going NC that would support the drama coming from that side.

What exactly did you say to her? Because if it's so vile then she doesn't have to forgive you. You're not entitled to forgiveness just because you apologized years ago. Words can have a lasting impact.

Hannahmates the OP called an ugly fat cow.

Thanks NoSauce. Honestly I was expecting something more devastating like for example bringing up infertility. On the other hand OP seems like an unreliable narrator. I doubt things went exactly as she claimed. I suspect the poster who said OP can't stand that her SIL isn't fawning over her kids is absolutely correct.

I suspect a little more was said ...

It sounds to me like you really really hurt her.

Look. You're not 3. Sorry doesn't make it all better. She doesn't like you. She doesn't want a relationship with you and your children are nothing to do with her.

She married one man. One man she fell in love with. The only children she would ever have had to consider were ones that he created.

You're just two women who happened to marry men of similar genetic material. Nothing more.

Using those words might have been flippant at your end OP but I wouldn’t forgive such a cutting remark either, that stays with a woman for a long time.

that stays with a woman for a long time. This.
Calling someone ugly is probably the worst insult you could make, every woman is insecure about their looks and to hear it used against them is the worse of the worse imo.

OP all you can do is write another very heartfelt apology.

Say that you're sorry. That you chose the one set of words you know would hurt a fellow woman the most and you did it out of uncontrolled anger. That what you said to her was so unacceptable that it was one of the things that shocked you into seeking anger management.

Say that you don't expect her to ever want to get on with you and you don't expect that, but you want to ask her to consider being ok with being at the IL together so that the cousins can know one another.

It's all you can do, do it once but after that acknowledge defeat.

I don't think OP is unreasonable. It's a generic insult said a long time ago. Olive branches have been extended.

Blimey, called her an ugly fat cow and now think as you've apologised. (A text message apology at that, not even picking up the phone, or trying to meet her to do it in person) , that she should forgive you and integrate with you.

I think we can all see why she isn't.

Op don't keep texting her apologies.

Pick up the phone, ask to meet her, apologise in person. Text message apologies mean nothing. Make the effort if you're sincere

I wouldn't choose to spend my time with someone who spoke to me like that.

You might have apologised but what you said says a lot about who you are as a person.

Yes I lose my temper and I've said some stuff I'm not proud of but I would never say that or anything like it to someone.

If you'd said that to me, even if you apologised, I'd always think that was your opinion of me and you don't deserve my time.

Your SIL isn't excluding herself from the family, just you.

OP, what did you say in your apology? Was it a “Sorry if you were offended...” ie “I’m sorry that you can’t handle what I said” as opposed to “I’m really sorry for what I said and it was unforgivable”.

I wouldn’t want anything to do with you either if you’d spoken to me like that. She doesn’t need to do what you want her to. Let other people react to situations how they want to. You don’t get to control everyone in the universe

I confronted her and during that confrontation I admittedly said some vile things to her

So what other vile things did you call her?