AIBU to think she should make effort to be part of the family?

[Jj2431]

Hi. I need advice on if I am being unreasonable. Please help and be totally honest (I know you will)..

So, a few years ago me and my husband had a huge falling out with my in laws. Mainly due to them not asking after the kids when we spoke to them and just their general seemingly uncaring ways towards our children. During this argument, my BIL girlfriend, who he had only been seeing for 6 months and who we had only met briefly a handful of times, was bashing me to another member of the family (I saw evidence), she called me a mean cow and said I was orchestrating the whole argument (I wasn't). I was angry and upset that someone I barely knew could judge me like that and badly too. I confronted her and during that confrontation I admittedly said some vile things to her. We all fell out and a few months later I realised that even though I was hurt, my reaction to BIL girlfriend had been OTT. I sent her a message to apologise and said I didn't expect her to reply but I wanted her to know I was sorry. She didn't respond and I left it at that.

Fast forward a few years later and we have all made amends and things are better than they've ever been and I'm really happy about it. BIL now lives elsewhere in the country and has married the lady I argued with. We are now in the same family. She is now, in my mind, the children's aunt and I would be to any kids they have in the future but she still hasn't made amends with us and we haven't heard from her and she actively avoids us even on special occasions. Even the kids and MIL birthday and will stay away until she knows we have left. AIBU to think it was years ago, I've apologised and now we are family she should be making effort for at least her husbands sake if not anyone else's? AIBU to think she should message me or husband or turn up at least to special occasions now she's family? I understand we probably won't ever be best friends but I thought forgiveness and civility would happen at the very least now that they are married. I am upset and annoyed by this. Maybe I shouldn't be but family is important to me

Tell me..am I being unreasonable?

I've never spoken to someone else like that, even when I've been furious. Well done for getting help with your anger.

I have a family member who will insult people when they're angry/upset. They've said some horrible things over the years. Sometimes they apologise, sometimes they don't but it persists. I finally decided that I couldn't be bothered with it anymore so I just quietly avoid seeing them. Maybe I'm in the wrong but I needed to put boundaries in place for my own wellbeing. Maybe your SIL feels the same way despite your apology.

Who apologises by text without any kind if follow up?
That's incredibly lame and pathetic.
I'd be very unimpressed if I received a crappy text apology and assume the person didn't mean a word of it.
Ideally, you need to speak to her face to face or at least telephone her and apologise.

I am sorry but I think you have some underlying issues. I am trying to think if both sets of grandparents ask after the children regularly and I think not. But at the same time I know how much they love them. Life gets busy. I think you should think about how all this is making you feel and why this is making you feel this way. While I think your strained relationship with your s’n’law is highlighting something for you I think you have an issue which has nothing to do with her. Did you have problems with your family growing up and are you trying create something different with your current family because of this but feel frustrated it’s not worked as you had hoped?

@ittakes2 I hadn't planned on responding again but have to respond to you. I think you're probably right. I think I try so hard to not follow the same path as my childhood and maybe I try too hard and expect too much. I have had anger management and that has helped my reactions so much but I probably do want the 'perfect' family, where everyone gets along and everyone makes effort and it's all big and happy and maybe I'm not realistic

OP I just think you don’t see that you need to first respect her decision not to ask after you or your kids and to avoid you.

If you do that without complaining about her at all, to anyone, this will really help.

You saying she ‘should’ ask after your kids is aggressive, do you see? It’s saying - what you want from her - and getting cross if she doesn’t give it.

H@Jj2431 good for you for taking that comment on board

Are you open to heading to therapy to work through your childhood, and current expectations?

I wish you luck

The amount of people who think holding a grudge is healthy. So bil misses out on his family because she cant get over an insult.

It's not you with the issue op. What you need help with is letting go of the guilt.

She chose to meddle in your life when she decided she had an opinion about your argument with the in laws. You need to move on.

It’s all well and good saying people shouldn’t hold a grudge.

I think that all depends on what’s been said and done.

Another person who has never insulted someone on a personal level like this. I wouldn’t talk to you either.

The amount of people who think holding a grudge is healthy. So bil misses out on his family because she cant get over an insult.

It’s not about holding a grudge. It’s choosing not to associate with people who say vile things to you.

The basic point here is that no one has to accept an apology and pretend an event didn’t happen.

Sometimes actions have very very long term consequences and it’s simply not possible to make it right by saying sorry.

Instead there is inevitably going to be a fundamental change in a relationship

Well done for getting therapy OP. I do think you'll feel better about life in general and about conflict if you can handle it with equanimity. It would be lovely if SiL became a doting aunt to your kids but she has no responsibility to your or your kids. I would just look at the situation decide whether or not there's anything you can/should do about it and if not gracefully accept that that's the way it is.

The amount of people who think holding a grudge is healthy. So bil misses out on his family because she cant get over an insult.

It's nothing to do with holding a grudge, though. Why should SIL have to be polite to someone who was so rude to her? Good for her for having boundaries and for sticking up for herself!

I don't hold grudges.

I just don't bother with people I can't be bothered with.

If you had spoken to me that way I would be done with you. Done. No more ever. I just wouldn't bother.

Not angry, exactly. Just done. There are plenty of other people in the world.

I’d say it is OP who is holding the grudge. She’s cross with SIL still, which is why she is basically attacking her for not doing what she wants.

If OP genuinely wanted to bridge the gap, she’d reach out again, call or send a nice card or something. Instead she’s stirring up trouble.

I would not have anything to do with a grown woman who called me an ‘UGLY FAT COW’ , and nah, I have never gobbed off to someone as a grown adult, stop acting like your trash behaviour is normal or acceptable, you’re just humiliating yourself even more*.

Agreed.

Just because an apology is offered, doesn't mean it has to be accepted by the other party. Nor is it a get out of jail card once you've already been cruel/vile/rude to someone.

If someone said 'vile' things to me, I'd never acknowledge their existence ever again.