AIBU to think she should make effort to be part of the family?

[Jj2431]

Hi. I need advice on if I am being unreasonable. Please help and be totally honest (I know you will)..

So, a few years ago me and my husband had a huge falling out with my in laws. Mainly due to them not asking after the kids when we spoke to them and just their general seemingly uncaring ways towards our children. During this argument, my BIL girlfriend, who he had only been seeing for 6 months and who we had only met briefly a handful of times, was bashing me to another member of the family (I saw evidence), she called me a mean cow and said I was orchestrating the whole argument (I wasn't). I was angry and upset that someone I barely knew could judge me like that and badly too. I confronted her and during that confrontation I admittedly said some vile things to her. We all fell out and a few months later I realised that even though I was hurt, my reaction to BIL girlfriend had been OTT. I sent her a message to apologise and said I didn't expect her to reply but I wanted her to know I was sorry. She didn't respond and I left it at that.

Fast forward a few years later and we have all made amends and things are better than they've ever been and I'm really happy about it. BIL now lives elsewhere in the country and has married the lady I argued with. We are now in the same family. She is now, in my mind, the children's aunt and I would be to any kids they have in the future but she still hasn't made amends with us and we haven't heard from her and she actively avoids us even on special occasions. Even the kids and MIL birthday and will stay away until she knows we have left. AIBU to think it was years ago, I've apologised and now we are family she should be making effort for at least her husbands sake if not anyone else's? AIBU to think she should message me or husband or turn up at least to special occasions now she's family? I understand we probably won't ever be best friends but I thought forgiveness and civility would happen at the very least now that they are married. I am upset and annoyed by this. Maybe I shouldn't be but family is important to me

Tell me..am I being unreasonable?

Bold fail, I was quoting & agreeing with saraclara

She probably is making an effort to be part of "her" family ie fil and mil etc but doesn't view you as her family? She's a daughter in law with as just much right and status as you have? She doesn't need to gain your approval or try join in.

However, I don't blame you for attacking her verbally OP, if she was acting like a bitch, and it sounds as if everyone was sort of directing the argument at you, I would have been the same.

And I can see why it's annoying that she won't be around you, especially as her future kids will be cousins with yours, it makes sense for her to Rugsweep just like you have moved on from her slagging you! And just get on with it.

Sooo considering everything I think yanbu

I have to agree with @monkeymonkey2010.

Also, I wonder if it’s not just about how you insulted her, but the delivery. As you said you’ve had anger management classes, usually that means you’ve had public blow-ups and threatened others with violence.

1. Did you publicly blow up at her?
2. Did you threaten her with violence, even just, “If you talk about me again, I’ll slap you,” or something like that?

I just can’t imagine you confront her about this, say only the words “ugly fat cow“, and walk away. And whatever else you DID say is probably why she never wants to see you again, so it’s your answer.

People do their children a huge disservice by forcing them to accept apologies when they’re small. “Little Timmy stole your toy, but he’s said sorry, so you have to forgive him and play with him now.” No. And adult life isn’t like that - no one is ever required to accept your apology. You apologise because it’s the right thing, not because you expect anything out of it. So you apologised, which is good, but no, she is not required to accept it or you ever again.

I wouldn't speak to someone who called me an ugly fat cow either OP

I don't know why she hasn't forgiven me. Yes, I admit I was personal in my 'comeback' to her but I have apologised and don't know what else I can do to fix it?

You can’t. It’s broken. You have to live with that.

Leave her be. She owes you nothing.

Wow. The replies here are very harsh.
You apologized. That should be end of.
She is immature OP.
She should have never been speaking about you in first place.
YANBU.

You apologized. That should be end of.

We aren’t 4 years old. Apologies aren’t magic

What is it with asking after kids etc. They are your kids, really and truly nobody cares.

I digress, apologise are not magic. I don't blame her.

Accept it & move on.

Oldie here. In my fifties. Disagreements, family stuff etc

Never ever have I called another woman an ugly fat cow. Regardless of who said /what said. And yes I've made mistakes.

It seems to me she is part of the family. She chooses to be when you are not there. That's probably as good as it will be.

I've done some shitty things as well, but I've never attacked a woman over her appearance. Not as a child or an adult. That is off limits.

It sounds like your SIL is like me. People wrong me and they are pretty quickly written off. I don't need negative, nasty people in my life.

You've learnt a really valuable lesson. Once words have been said, they can't be taken back. So think very carefully before opening your mouth. And no, I've never said nasty things in anger. I prefer to step away, gather my thoughts and then discuss so that I don't say something I regret. The type of person who is nasty when they are angry then expect forgiveness when they apologise (usually half arsed as well) has no place in my life. I literally cut them out, just like your SIL has done.

I wouldn’t want anything to do with your drama filled argumentative life either.

If someone had called me a fat ugly cow - was this on SM so others could see? - I would not risk talking to them again.

Reaching for personal aspects like weight and appearance is not the way to argue. Being fat and ugly (in someone else's opinion) does not make you wrong, after all.

If you had to challenge her, why not just tell her she had misunderstood the situation, was not party to all the facts and had rushed to judge you in a way you found unfair? If you'd said that, perhaps she'd have thought about what she said instead of what you said. The apology might have come from her and your kids could have had a decade of relationship with a loving aunt and uncle by now!

Maybe not, but you must see how you took a bad situation and made it worse instead of better?

Often personal remarks (ugly, fat) hurt much more than remarks about someone's behavior. Being so insulting is hard to get over and can cut to the core. OP, you have to understand that. Commenting on what she said and did is different as she can either agree or disagree.
Someone's looks being insulted is harmful and not forgotten. You were unkind and mean saying such nasty things. You have no idea how hard she tried to look nice, struggled with her weight or had self doubt and low self esteem.
I'm very very forgiving, to the point of stupidity, but I'd not want anything to do with you after a personal attack like that, no matter how many years ago.
You showed your true colours and sorry doesn't cut it in this case.

‘Ugly, fat cow’ is pretty extreme and smacks of a heat of the moment comment rather than a considered and mature response. But, OP, you apologised and I actually agree that for the sake of family harmony the SIL should be magnanimous and gracious and at least agree to be in the same room for the sake of said family.

However, it seems to me that an immature climate of anger, jealousy, resentment and bitterness is poisoning private and public life and has crept into mainstream social and political fora compounded by social media. At the very least there is an absence of good manners as those who were not instilled in them begin to outnumber those who were in public spheres.

Intolerance, especially in those who pride themselves in being of a liberal outlook, is becoming an abiding feature of our age.

I retaliated by calling her an ugly fat cow

Is this you?

Christ you txt her months later, you didn’t even have the decency to call and say it personally.
I would never put myself in a position to be attacked again by you even with all your anger mgt. I would do exactly what she is doing now and actively avoid you.

Despite the anger management courses, you still appear to be trying to control other people and their reactions and getting annoyed about it when you can't.

If I were her, I'd be avoiding you.

If I were you, I'd be asking for my money back.

Yeah I wouldn't want anything to do with you either op

Where's Jeremy Kyle when you need him?!
It sounds like you really upset your SIL, and despite your apology, she doesnt want to be around you, which is fair enough. It may be that she has unfinished business and doesn't trust herself not to give you what for if she were to see you again or it may be that she can't bear the thought of being in your company again. You can't make somebody forgive you or like you. Similarly, you can't make people like your children. I think you just have to accept that what's done is done, you can't put shit back in the donkey, and that you and your children will never have any kind of relationship with her. I'm afraid you have to respect her decision on this.

I do love how so many people here are making out like they've never said anything mean in the heat of the moment. I did. I'm human and I was horrible and admitted it and apologised.

But an apology only makes it better if the other person decides to accept the apology.

She is still offended.

Ergo no rapprochement

In the nicest possible way - grow up, OP

Going to go against the grain here and say that it sounds to me as if she loves a drama.

There’s no question that the comment was out of order. But cutting someone off for life, excluding herself from family events because of it? Come on.

Has no-one ever said something in the heat of the moment? Not ever? The world would be a very bitter and drama-filled place if everyone went NC with everyone who had ever said something out of order to them.

No she doesn’t have to like the OP, but cutting herself and children off from whole family events is pathetic and she needs to grow up.

A friend of mine has a SIL like this. They had a disagreement, wasn’t the same thing but they fell out over something and after that she refuses to even be in the same room as friend. Turns out she has a habit of doing this and has cut out practically everyone in her life and has no friends.

I limit the time I spend with Fil and his partner. They make “funny jokes” aka insults about me a lot. Not directly at me but about my situation (two kids, on mat leave at present so am a benefit scrounger, then I’m not a proper mum because I’m working etc). I’ve told dh I’ve had enough. I’ll go occasionally and am civil and polite etc. But I’m not spending all my time with them. When they come here I don’t stop what I’m doing. I’ve stopped before and have been called lazy. So now I just carry on with whatever things I’m doing (especially if they just drop in unannounced).

I haven’t got time for their rudeness or ignorance. Neithe rhas dh really But that’s another story

I retaliated by calling her an ugly fat cow

I wouldn’t speak to ever again either.

This will be my last post as I have my answers and thanks for responding. All I will say in answer to a couple of people is that I have 1. Never said she is not part of the family, in fact I have actively said she IS part of the family and I have also never said I think I'm more part of it than her. I don't think that one bit. We are both in laws and I'm aware that although things are great with other ILS now that they probably prefer her based on my past reactions and that's okay. 2. Some people clearly don't read posts and someone stated can I not see the issue or something along those lines. I clearly can because 1. I haven't contacted her directly about this. 2. I apologised even if she has chosen not to accept and 3. I went to anger management as I realise I react quick and am quick to temper with people sometimes, also 4. To answer pp I have never used threatening language towards her or anyone else despite the previous anger. I'd be honest if I had.