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AIBU?

Please reassure me I've done the right thing...

222 replies

NothingHasBrokenMeYet · 24/11/2019 02:03

I left my abusive husband three months ago, and we had to flee across the country.

He doesn't know where we are.

My eldest DS wants no contact with either him or his family (every type of abuse you can imagine, toward me and them).

My youngest DS is still young enough to have an idealistic view of his dad/GPs etc. He misses them, and I'm holding him while he cries, while at the same time crying inside because something which gives me so much relief (the fact that we're miles away) is the very thing causing my son stress. I feel guilty for being relieved.

I'm worried sick about Christmas. Its going to be hard anyway because they'll be away from what they know. The relocation (sudden, rushed, expensive train journey) wiped me out, and I just can't afford Christmas this year.

I'm exhausted, everything is starting to sink in now that I'm out of there, and I know I need help- but I feel I can't seek help because I can't drop the ball where the boys are concerned: they're on waiting lists for therapy, and I need 100% of my focus to be on them, seeing as I'm the only one they have know- we know no one around here and I have no family- and I uprooted them in the first place.

I'm failing like he always said I would, aren't I?

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NothingHasBrokenMeYet · 14/12/2019 21:43

*won

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Mulledwineinajug · 14/12/2019 21:50

I think you’re absolutely awesome OP. Far from letting your dc down you have put them first and given them the best gift by making them safe.

Just be really careful on here, ok? The detail about your disability and dc ages etc makes you identifiable and it doesn’t take much to pick up clues. Don’t respond to PM’s, name change often, start new threads, change identifying details. It’s so easy to track someone down online and mn threads are googleable.

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isseywith4vampirecats · 14/12/2019 22:00

just reread your thread and you are amazing each post of your shows a little bit at a time how much stronger you are getting, one year from now you will look at this thread and wonder how you ever put up with your ex and how much better your life will be, just take each day one at a time and at the end of each day cheer yourself up with some little thing that has been good your boys have an amazing mom and I hope you all have a lovely simple love filled Christmas

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amritsky · 14/12/2019 22:05

Freecycle and freegle are amazing resources, not just for equipping your home and getting stuff for the kids but also for restoring some faith in humanity. You can request stuff there too. I think what you have achieved already and your courage and positivity is breathtaking. Xx

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gottastopeatingchocolate · 14/12/2019 22:20

Oh, bless you. I understand how you must have felt.

So many cases do not have sufficient evidence to convict.

But as you say, rightly, it does not mean that you are not believed. You will get Legal Aid for the divorce and any Child Arrangements hearings that might have to happen.

It's really hard to think that you are not believed. But at the end of the day, YOU KNOW. Two years down the line and I am only just starting not to feel distraught every time some professional implies that "there are two sides of the story".

From everything I have seen you write, you are so far from letting your kids down. Don't allow that thought in even for a moment!

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MumW · 14/12/2019 23:15

Can you crochet some Christmas bunting?
Maybe even teach your DC so they can help too.

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NothingHasBrokenMeYet · 14/12/2019 23:22

So I'll definitely still get legal aid? This is a relief! That's one of the things I was worried about...

I'm one step ahead of you...crocheting blue bunting atm! 😍

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PixieDustt · 14/12/2019 23:26

You have not failed your children.
You are so much stronger than you think you are.
YOU have protected your children
YOU took them to safety
YOU put them before yourself
YOU are taking care of them
YOU are teaching them the right behaviour
YOU are giving them a better life.
YOU are a great mother and you need to tell your self that. You battled some demons and you're still fighting. Fight with all you've have.
He hasn't won this fight YOU have.
I said you a lot of times because take a look in the mirror and look at yourself and realise you're one strong Mumma.
I hope 2020 is a better year for you and your children.
Your youngest DS won't understand now. But when he does he will know you done what you did to protect them and it came from your heart.
Fuck the scumbag bastard Thanks

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Louise91417 · 14/12/2019 23:36

Just read your whole thread...what a bloody amazing woman and mother you are...FlowersFlowersFlowers

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gottastopeatingchocolate · 15/12/2019 13:46

I can't say you will definitely get legal aid, as it is very complicated, but not having a conviction doesn't affect that. The agencies that you are engaging with with provide you with a letter stating that they are supporting you through domestic abuse. That is the evidence that you need for that part of the application. The rest is financial. If you are on certain benefits (UC being one of them) then you are extremely likely to get full support. If you are earning, they calculate your income after rent/mortgage is paid and decide if you are eligible.

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NothingHasBrokenMeYet · 15/12/2019 14:06

I'm on UC, and my keyworker has already agreed to write me a DV letter.

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fudgesmummy · 15/12/2019 14:20

Can I just say how in awe I am of you OP?
What a wonderful, strong woman you are. Your boys are so lucky to have you as their mum 💕

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Sweetpeach3 · 15/12/2019 14:25

*YOUR AMAZING
*
You've beat an abuser
Made you and your kids safe
Overcame an addiction
Got you all a new life with 0 time, money or help


What more do you want me to say to how amazing your doing ?
But one thing I will say is go get help for your MH. No one will judge you they are their to help an support you through this hard time and if your not 100% you can't give your kids 100% as much as your pushing yourself to
Your going to have a break down if you carry on, I thought on paper my ex would be best for the kids as I'm young, now out of work, he works he's a lot older. Has a mortgage etc an he tried say I lost the plot etc. They didn't belive him. He got arrested an he was the one they was concerned about as I took my kids away from the situation I was clearly the better person who did that and they seen I was beyond calm compared to him

They just gave me a lot of support, help and advice an I think you'll benefit from that so don't be afraid to get it.
Their your kids -he's a wanker - he hasn't a shitty worthless bone in his body to stand on to take them from you or to find where you are.
DS2 will soon come to the realisation as he gets older that what you did was for him and he's better off like your DS1.

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NothingHasBrokenMeYet · 15/12/2019 14:48

Oh I'm getting help: I've just started counselling and group therapy with a DV group...

And...

I gained my wings on Tuesday!

My keyworker at Addaction says that I can basically manage my own recovery now, with her still on hand if I need her!

This has made me HELLA proud of me! 😍

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Sweetpeach3 · 15/12/2019 14:58

See!!!!!!
Told you so!!!!!
You've done it so don't worry. Your doing just great
Be proud of yourself x

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Winterdaysarehere · 15/12/2019 15:02

We are all proud of you op!!

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Thisisanillegalbingogame · 15/12/2019 21:30

Wow, you are an absolute lioness-what an inspiration you are. I hope you and your dcs have an amazing Christmas filled with peace and laughter. Flowers

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NothingHasBrokenMeYet · 16/12/2019 07:08

I'm honestly just me. I think anyone has the strength inside them- I've just been given the opportunity to prove it!

I LOVE the bedlam of a school morning! For that hour I'm nagging, rushing around, aiming kids into their respective cabs...the sort of things the average family go through! It rams it home that, despite everything that's going on, we're a normal family! 😍

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eaglejulesk · 16/12/2019 07:38

You poor thing, it sounds like you've been through hell. You certainly haven't failed, in fact I think you have been very brave and have done exactly what was needed to save yourself and the children. I don't have any advice, just wanted to add my voice also and send my very best wishes. I hope it all works out. Flowers

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NothingHasBrokenMeYet · 16/12/2019 08:15

Hell would be life without my babies.

I'm free. I'm safe. This is actually Heaven compared to where I was last year!

Last year, he'd already started to nag about what I'd be feeding his family on Christmas Day. I was stressed as hell (and drunk), unable to continue Christmas shopping because I was covered in bruises and therefore not allowed out.

On Christmas Day last year, he decided to "punish" me for wearing short pyjama bottoms in front of his dad (I hadn't had time to get dressed), in the worst way possible. Apparantly if I was going to act like a slut, it was only fitting for me to be treated like one.

I'm so grateful to be safe now.

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MyOtherProfile · 16/12/2019 08:18

Well done! You're amazing. You got yourself and your kids to safety.

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NothingHasBrokenMeYet · 16/12/2019 08:21

HA! Role reversal in our home atm!

My 12yo just looked me up and down and said "are you REALLY going out in public like that?"

Someone please tell me what the ever loving fuck is wrong with red and green stripy tights and yellow platforms?

Gah! It's so unfair! 🤨

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sashh · 16/12/2019 08:31

You are strong and just starting the next stage of your life which will be a success, well done on getting your wings and with the rest of your life.

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Horsepants · 16/12/2019 08:32

Op- you said that you're failing like he said you would that's because he's still controlling your mind. Give your head a wobble! You are amazing. Your dc will understand when he's older. You are really brave. They are safe you are safe. Christmas is just one day. This is the rest of your lives. You've done the hardest bit. Only uphill now. I wish you the best of luck. I'm sorry to hear that your friends let you down. You'll get through this. The alternative isn't an option. Keep on keeping you all safe. One day you'll look back on this and be so happy that you escaped. Flowers

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Choclips · 16/12/2019 08:46

Do you realise that you're free from the addiction of alcohol and this is enabling you to shine! You're now giving your children the gift of freedom. That's everything. My advice would be to perhaps call every service you can think of to engage in courses to support you. Educate yourself in all of these services, them no one can ever take that knowledge away. Those children have a very special mother, and they will know that one good parent is everything. Stay free from addictions and realise that's a huge blessing and your children , your treasure. Good things await Op x

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