Please reassure me I've done the right thing...

[NothingHasBrokenMeYet]

I left my abusive husband three months ago, and we had to flee across the country.

He doesn't know where we are.

My eldest DS wants no contact with either him or his family (every type of abuse you can imagine, toward me and them).

My youngest DS is still young enough to have an idealistic view of his dad/GPs etc. He misses them, and I'm holding him while he cries, while at the same time crying inside because something which gives me so much relief (the fact that we're miles away) is the very thing causing my son stress. I feel guilty for being relieved.

I'm worried sick about Christmas. Its going to be hard anyway because they'll be away from what they know. The relocation (sudden, rushed, expensive train journey) wiped me out, and I just can't afford Christmas this year.

I'm exhausted, everything is starting to sink in now that I'm out of there, and I know I need help- but I feel I can't seek help because I can't drop the ball where the boys are concerned: they're on waiting lists for therapy, and I need 100% of my focus to be on them, seeing as I'm the only one they have know- we know no one around here and I have no family- and I uprooted them in the first place.

I'm failing like he always said I would, aren't I?

I'd ask for

Instead of whining about what I haven't got- I'll make it happen!

I can't whine about having no support and do nothing about it. I've joined a few local groups on facebook this morning. One of them is a single parent group which holds a group on a Thursday which is less than a mile away from me!

Time to get my shit together and contact the SA etc. I also need to source practical items such as pots and pans (if you'd seen me mashing enough mash for a shepherds pie with a fork last night, I hope it would have at least given you a giggle)

My BF lives 1.5 hours away. I don't see her that often, as she's bedridden most of the time. Not that this matters to me- she has given me more support while lying on her back than any of my other "friends" did. Most of them knew. Most of them also know I'm a gobshite, and they put the two together and came to the conclusion that I "pushed his buttons". That's fine. I needed a cull anyway. They've left spaces in my life for new, decent friendships.

We came here with literally the clothes on our backs. We were given three plates, mugs, etc, and we have beds and basic furniture. I'm glad about that too! My old house was cluttered, full of stuff chosen by him...we own literally nothing now! So we can build our possessions up again choosing only what we want. We don't have to consider anyone else!

My youngest DS always wanted a princess bedroom. DH (Dicksplat Husband) was dead against the "boys liking pink" thing...well, when we finally get a place, he can have the pinkest, glitteriest bedroom ever. I've just got to learn how to paint first. This may prove difficult, due to the fact that I can't actually see further than a metre away (registered blind)- but I never know unless I try, right?

Bring it on.

Sorry I just wanted to add - in terms of the knowing no-one - one of the consequences of domestic abuse can be isolation, so many women who have experienced this find they know no-one in their own area because their lives have been narrowed and because they fear what will get back to the perpetrator. You have distance on your side and new people who meet you will not have any preconceptions. Friendships take time but with school age DC there will be plenty of opportunities when you are ready to take them. One step at a time.

Oh gosh! Could you please PM me with the one you mean? I never thought. @MNHQ@ is it possible for this thread to be posted under a different name?

If not, I'll start a new thread under a new NN.

You will be able to paint, probably just need to peer a bit close up when doing the edges.
Agree with ncncncnc about being careful on here - name change a lot and consider if threads need to be deleted once you have the support you need from them

Just wanted to add my support. You are amazing and strong and your children will see that in time.
I don’t know if it’s allowed but I have Christmas bits we done need and depending on your children’s age might have some clothes and bits too. Would be more than happy to send them to you. Would also love to send some advent calendars if you and your children would like them?

None of them.use MN, or know I have an account. I should be safe.

I've actually been around for years under different NN. I was rereading one of my other posts from a few years ago- god was I disillusioned! It's full of how amazing DH is! How quiet and caring! How much he does for me! Jesus! 🤨

I'm not ignoring anyone's responses btw. If you saw how big my font has to be, you'd understand why it takes me five minutes to even read one reply. 😂

@Yesmate@ are you a hincher by any chance? Love the NN!

The problem with offering to send stuff yesmate kind as it is, is that OP has no idea who we are and should not give out an address via PM or otherwise

Well done OP you've been marvelous. I just want to say (another DV survivor here) that it does get easier. Yes to the food banks, to Women's Aid and to toy appeals. Why not also do an active advent calendar? Make your own from scraps of paper and write different free activities you and the kids can do each day? Look for horse chestnuts in the park, take a silly selfie, see the lights etc. great for cheering you up with something to do together. Good luck 🍀 💐💐

The problem with offering to send stuffyesmatekind as it is, is that OP has no idea who we are and should not give out an address via PM or otherwise

Also there's the issue around this maybe all being a ruse to get people donating. This is NOT the case- MN will vouch that I've been around for years, but people do just that, don't they?

Even the offer is so, so kind.

If you REALLY want to help, maybe on December 7th, when I get paid and work out my meagre budget, you guys can help me spend it? I know how MN loves a bargain! 😂

yep I am a hincher!

@NovemberDays I hadn’t even thought of that. I just wanted to help. I feel a bit naive now 🙈 Wish there was a way to help.

[Edited to remove identifying info]

Igmum brilliant! I have envelopes! Can I grab some more ideas on activities to pop into them please?

Watch a Christmas Movie
Maybe a midnight feast on one of the weekend days- pancakes! Pancakes are cheap, easy, and I always have ingredients in for them! Pancakes at midnight! 😍

I'm off to register on my local freecycle.

It's Sunday.

Goals this week:

Start ringing around places, using MN to handhold as I HATE asking for help!

Attend a local meeting

Attend the single parents' meetup, no matter if I'm bricking it or not!

Be the best me that I can be.

OP you are amazing and I'm so glad to read your more positive posts this morning. I read your first post and could have wept for you. I wish you as much happiness moving forward as you can possibly have. Your DS will start to feel better soon and will know his mummy kept him safe.

Oh- and they're getting selection boxes for Christmas lunch, just because they've never been allowed before. So at least I don't have the added worry of forking out for a turkey! 😂

So sound like an amazing woman op. You've had such a tough time but yet you are so positive.

Hi OP... just wanted to let you know how proud I am of you. I was a kid who was raised in one of those wealthy families that had it all. Money, holidays, cars, big house, pool, addictions, violence, screaming, hidden broken bones, scars, eating disorders, humiliation, silence..... I used to dream about someone taking a stand and removing me from the situation, but it didn’t happen. You have so much to be proud of. Please don’t ever question that you did the right thing. Ever. When your kids are older, please tell them the truth. All of it. They will understand. For now, just love them like you’re doing. The other crap doesn’t matter at all!!! They need you to be safe so they can be safe and loved for who they are. Big hugs!!!

Can I suggest speaking to your kids new school?? They often have access to lots of help that would be useful...and know who to contact for things they can't help with...

Oh you sound so incredibly strong , brave and positive! You have certainly got this lovely!!!

Christmas stories, Christmas crafts, baking, biscuit making are all cheap ways to get in the spirit. I am sure there will be toys / food available through the Foodbank for you you enjoy your first Christmas together free from your ex

Xx

Onescare he's an amazing, resilient little boy. They both are (although you could hardly call my eldest little- he's 12 and taller than me now 🙄).

Part of my worry about the babies stems from guilt. I'll give a basic background just so it makes sense.

He first hit me two weeks into our relationship. I still stayed, and I still brought two children into a world of violence. I was naive, and I totally own my shit.

What made me leave was, ironically, getting attacked by a stranger in June. It opened a dialogue between me and my BF about consent and coercion, and I was finally able to confide in someone who didn't blame the fact that I was a gobshite.

I wouldn't have reported it. Then my eldest sat me down and confided that it wasn't just me he'd been hurting. I must have paused for all of 30 seconds to roll a cigarette before I called 101 to report it. No one touches my babies.

During that phone call, I found myself saying "my child is telling the truth. I know what he's capable of" and it all came out.

I can't do anything about the past. But I can make sure that the next 13 years of their lives- and beyond- are filled with safety, security and love.

Christmas cookies!!!! In fact, fuck waiting until December, I'm making Christmas cookies TODAY! 😂

I've reported my own post and requested a NC. If it's not possible, I'll start a new thread, but not link it to this one.