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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Oh doesn't want to get married.

199 replies

Yellowpansy234 · 23/11/2019 20:05

Me and OH have been together 7 years (next may), we have a 14 month old together.
My mum asked him today if we would get married, and he outright quite firmly said no.
I mean he's joked no before, but he was really adament tonight.

I'm a bit put out tbh, and now questioning if I can go my whole life with someone who doesn't want that commitment.

Think he's put off by his parents marriage fail, and says it's 'just a bit of paper'
AIBU questioning this?!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/11/2019 20:07

YANBU

Most importantly it means you need to financially protect yourself.

Emotionally you need to decide whether you can stay in the relationship knowing that he won't make that legal commitment to you.

gamerchick · 23/11/2019 20:09

I guess it means you have some thinking to do. If marriage is important to you and he won't, then what's next?

strawberry2017 · 23/11/2019 20:10

A child is a bigger commitment then marriage. A child is forever.

Brimful · 23/11/2019 20:13

That's really tough, OP.

I had a partner who was the same, he didn't believe in marriage as it was just a piece of paper. We split up (other reasons) and I was shocked when I heard he had married his new partner just a year or so after meeting her.

I guess my feeling is to be wary of him saying he doesn't want to, in my case it was just that he didn't want to marry me.

Thank God! It all worked out, but as you have DC I would feel vulnerable if I wasn't married as it can offer so much security financially.

ruralliving19 · 23/11/2019 20:14

I don't think YABU at all in wanting to be married and finding his response upsetting. However, two observations:

  1. In my experience, no man really believes it's just a bit of paper.
  2. There is no benefit, from his perspective, in marrying you other than to make you happy.
If he's dismissed the idea of marrying you to make you happy, and there is no practical benefit to him of marrying you, I think it may be hard to change his mind and therefore you may have to decide if you want to stay with someone who won't give you the legal protection that 'piece of paper' brings.
PaperFlowers4 · 23/11/2019 20:15

It’s not just a “bit of paper”. A marriage ensures you will have greater financial protection in the case that you split up. The fact that you have a child with this man who refuses to marry you leaves you in a more vulnerable position.

YANBU if you refuse to accept this situation.

cheesydoesit · 23/11/2019 20:16

A child is forever

For the mother maybe, as evidenced by numerous threads.

Has he always said 'no' OP?

TheHootiestOwl · 23/11/2019 20:18

No it isn’t just a bit of paper. Legally being married does make a difference, is he aware of this? You can be quite vulnerable if you don’t own the house together, aren’t on the mortgage, aren’t financially independent, especially if you’re a SAHM and rely on him. You aren’t next of kin. Common law doesn’t exist in the UK and if you split you won’t be entitled to any assets. There are all sorts of threads on the relationship boards where women are left with nothing, no home and no money because their partner has decided he wants out and they’re left with nothing.

If you’ve been together for 7 years had you not discussed marriage before? It seems like quite a long time for that conversation to have slipped by.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/11/2019 20:19

Unless you are completely financially independent, you are in a very precarious position and your partner knows it. He won't marry you because he doesn't want to be on the hook. The bullshit about his parents marriage failing is just an excuse. Who owns the house?

adaline · 23/11/2019 20:20

Men know that marriage is more than "just a piece of paper" - that's why a lot of them don't want to commit to it.

If he doesn't want to marry you, make sure you protect yourself in every way possible. Are you on the mortgage/rental agreement? Do you work? Do you have your own bank account, pension and savings? Could you support yourself if he died tomorrow?

TheBigFatMermaid · 23/11/2019 20:21

I would challenge his saying 'It's just a bit of paper' with 'Then it won't matter if we do it then'.

User3421090989098 · 23/11/2019 20:26

It doesn’t matter if you are on the same page and you also think the same way, it does matter if you want marriage. You need to tell him how you feel

AnotherEmma · 23/11/2019 20:26

What's the housing situation - do you own or rent, and are both names on the deeds&mortgage or the tenancy?

That's the crucial question for unmarried couples, because marriage give you extra housing rights - you can stay in the marital home even if it's all in your spouse's name.

The other questions are about earnings and pensions. Did the two of you share parental leave or did you take a year's maternity leave? How were bills split during this time? Did you continue making contributions into your own pension? Have you gone back to work and if so are you full or part time?

Marriages provides some protection for the financial sacrifices made by the parent (usually the mother) who takes parental (maternity) leave and reduces their (her) earnings by not returning to work or going back part time only.

If you're unmarried and split up, all you will get from him is child maintenance.

They're the key issues but here's the full list
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

dinosaurjumps · 23/11/2019 20:26

I never understand why people use the excuse of being put off because of so and so's break up. People who aren't married also have bad break ups etc.

And the "it's just a piece of paper"....well duh of course it is! A really important one if one party in the relationship has sacrificed their career to work part time or be a SAHP.

AnotherEmma · 23/11/2019 20:27

"I'm a bit put out tbh, and now questioning if I can go my whole life with someone who doesn't want that commitment."

If marriage is so important to you, I do wonder why you had a child first. Was it a planned pregnancy?

Original poster
Yellowpansy234 · 23/11/2019 20:28

The conversation has been had before, he's always joked no.
But this was adament. Felt a bit hurt tbh, in front of my family he was so dismissive of me..

We don't own a house, we private rent, and at the moment he's off long term sick and unemployed due to a long term condition. And I am part time 2 days a week.
Not an idea situation, but I guess it makes no difference to our financial situation if we are married or not.

Just emotionally.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 23/11/2019 20:28

So he won't marry you but you're supporting him financially. Lovely.

RandomMess · 23/11/2019 20:29

It does really hurt. It feels like you aren't "good enough" you "aren't the one" SadSadSadSadSad

AnotherEmma · 23/11/2019 20:31

"7 years (next may)"
In other words, 6 years Grin
Well, 6 and a half

Loopytiles · 23/11/2019 20:32

That was rude and hurtful of him.

BennyTheBall · 23/11/2019 20:33

Is marriage important to you? You seem to have opposing views.

Maybe you should've ironed this out before you had a child.

cheesydoesit · 23/11/2019 20:35

Well I am guessing it was you that took maternity leave and a hit to your earnings. Why is he off long term sick?

Yes, it must be very hurtful. I'm afraid I agree with ruralliving and I'm not sure there is much you could do to change his mind. Sorry OP. How are things otherwise?

Brimful · 23/11/2019 20:36

Felt a bit hurt tbh, in front of my family he was so dismissive of me..

I can understand you feeling hurt, it must have felt like a public rejection when it's something you would like. Can you chat to him about how it made you feel? Maybe he didn't mean to be so cut-and-dry and he felt pressured at the time?

Maybe you should've ironed this out before you had a child.

And the most unhelpful comment award goes to...

cheesydoesit · 23/11/2019 20:36

Not sure why the 'you' in my previous post was struck? though, probably because I'm pissed. All the best though OP.

EmmiJay · 23/11/2019 20:37

I was just about to say that @Benny. Behind every joke is the truth (they say) so you should have listened to what he was saying and got serious with that conversation. But shoulda, coulda, woulda y'know. I'm dead ass serious when I say I'm never marrying so people don't question it. He should have been more upfront.