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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Oh doesn't want to get married.

199 replies

Yellowpansy234 · 23/11/2019 20:05

Me and OH have been together 7 years (next may), we have a 14 month old together.
My mum asked him today if we would get married, and he outright quite firmly said no.
I mean he's joked no before, but he was really adament tonight.

I'm a bit put out tbh, and now questioning if I can go my whole life with someone who doesn't want that commitment.

Think he's put off by his parents marriage fail, and says it's 'just a bit of paper'
AIBU questioning this?!

OP posts:
aquarianaura · 23/11/2019 21:54

Just to offer a different opinion: to me, marriage is pointless. It's an expensive piece of paper and a party I would never want. It's meaningless. It's archaic. And don't get me started on the misogynistic foundations it has. It's also not really the done thing in my circles/families/area/etc. People here tend to get married after they've been together for at least 15 years and only if they're in the financial situation to be able to afford a big party, it's always a second thought, never a goal, rarely a consideration.

Mumsnet's insistence that one must marry before children is ridiculous to me. It's really not that important, not even financially. In fact, the divorces I've seen have been a lot worse than the breakups of unmarried couples, who have always ended up better off. The divorced couples always end up far poorer on both sides. I just don't get it.

That being said, if something is important to you, then it is. But don't think his beliefs have anything to do with commitment. I would never marry but equally neither would my DP, although we are more committed to each other in many ways than a lot of other people. You do what's best for you, but don't believe the hype of marriage.

Prisonbreak · 23/11/2019 21:55

I’ve been with my man for 6 years and I absolutely won’t get married. I have no interest in it whatsoever. We jointly own our home. I don’t need a ceremony to show I love him. I don’t need a ring from him to know he wants me. To me it’s so old fashioned and it has lost its meaning entirely. If we break up down the line, I have no care for his money and he would have no say in mine. We take what we have independently and split what we own together. No need for a wedding for us

Original poster
Yellowpansy234 · 23/11/2019 21:57

And that's the million dollar question...
Am I happy.. I don't think its just the marriage thing that's getting to me.

OP posts:
Evilspiritgin · 23/11/2019 21:58

I think previous poster is right, op doesn’t want to be looking after a sick partner and has conveniently got away out without being the bad guy

ActualHornist · 23/11/2019 22:02

@aquarianaura not sure why you have posted that long missive about 'women on MN'. The OP has said she wants to get married. So it's really irrelevant what you or your social circle do, or even what you would do.

FredaNerkk · 23/11/2019 22:02

Polly111 is right (assuming you're in England). Financially, marriage is not helpful for you if divorce. If you divorce, he would have a claim to part of your pension and a claim to be supported by you via spousal maintenance until/unless he can support himself.
In other words, if you marry - he would get that share of your money and assets before your DS.

Is that really what you want?
If you don't marry, you can carry on living your current life, and if you were to split up you keep your assets etc (he keeps his).
Have you thought about the financial ramifications of marriage/divorce for you? (there might be financial benefits (eg for tax) if you did marry).
Don't marry without thinking about these issues. Have a commitment ceremony if it's the romantic/emotional confirmation you want.

timeisnotaline · 23/11/2019 22:03

because I'll have to pay for childcare if OH gets back to work. actually you would have to split the cost. If you are solely paying for childcare so he can get a job what is the point of him?

AnotherEmma · 23/11/2019 22:03

"I don't think its just the marriage thing that's getting to me."

Perhaps that's what you need to consider.
You are in a stronger position than him financially so it would benefit him to marry - you, not so much.
Hope you're using contraception atm because it wouldn't be an ideal to bring a second child into the family with these unresolved issues.

Original poster
Yellowpansy234 · 23/11/2019 22:03

@evilspiritgin not At all... You haven't even asked what's wrong with him.
I don't look after him at all not physically.

But yes , I am getting a bit sick of him being off 24/7, me having to go to work, and do 90% of childcare.
I come in from work at 8.30pm after a 12.5 hour shift in a hospital, and still have to put DS to bed.
I get about 15 Mins to eat and shower before having to go to bed with him.

I'm a bit sick of him not really being interested in things like Xmas, meant to be special family times, it's me who's thought and brought all DS Xmas presents, special advent calender, Xmas eve box, it's me making traditions.

OP posts:
JacobReesClunge · 23/11/2019 22:05

It's ok to feel hurt that he was so dismissive, but honestly I do think you're BU not to have considered it more before.

But people are entitled to their feelings and they don't always make sense. You're not being logical to have got this far in without considering it seriously. He's a fucking idiot for being put off marriage because someone else got divorced when there's zero reason to think you're more likely to stay together if cohabiting.

AlternativePerspective · 23/11/2019 22:05

Quite. The OP sounded very bitter about his being off sick and the toll that has put on their relationship and how she gets nothing in return. But society doesn’t have sympathy with someone who leaves a partner because they can’t cope with their illness, so walking away because of no marriage commitment which was never there in the first place would be considered a more reasonable explanation.

And as I said before, the DP would be in the better position if they got married and then split up. People say that a stay at home parent should be the one who needs to secure their future. The partner isn’t working therefore will have no financial commitment to the OP regardless of marriage, not even for child maintenance.

NellieEllie · 23/11/2019 22:06

I think it’s fair to say that opposition to marriage does not necessarily equal lack of commitment. I was with my DP for 17yrs before marriage, and while pregnant with DC2. We married for tax reasons, snuck off to local town hall and told no one apart from out two witnesses. No honeymoon, party etc. Neither of us saw it as a further commitment, just a sensible thing to do for financial reasons.
We’d avoided it previously simply because it had no meaning to us. I can’t bear ceremony, hated the idea of being the centre of attention, and neither of us could see a reason to get married. Not really a case of “why not” but “why?”.
I’d talk to your DP, say you feel a bit taken aback that he was quite so adamant and see what he says.

AnotherEmma · 23/11/2019 22:06

So he doesn't pull his weight at all.

Difficult to say without knowing his health condition(s) but I would hope that he would be able to contribute in some way, even if he can't physically do a lot of childcare or housework he could be doing online shopping for food, Christmas etc.

AzerByeBye · 23/11/2019 22:06

If “it’s just a piece of paper” then he won’t mind doing it, surely?

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 23/11/2019 22:07

YANBU but you should have discussed this before having children???

I told DH I loved him enough to marry him I didn't love him enough to stay with him and never be married

It's not just a bit of paper it's about unity and commitment

AnotherEmma · 23/11/2019 22:08

"The partner isn’t working therefore will have no financial commitment to the OP regardless of marriage, not even for child maintenance."

Non-resident parents on benefits are still expected to pay a very small amount in child maintenance.

AlternativePerspective · 23/11/2019 22:09

Whether you care for him or not is irrelevant though OP. Fact is his illness is such that he’s unable to work, but actually you’ve said yourself that his going back to work would be detrimental for you financially, as would marriage in fact, so you’re contradicting yourself a bit here.

PlanDeRaccordement · 23/11/2019 22:11

What about a civil partnership? Is it the religious aspect of the commitment that he does not believe in? I think U.K. just legalised civil partnership for mixed sex couples.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 23/11/2019 22:11

It is a bit of paper. But so is a contract, a will, an employment contract etc. Its a bloody important bit of paper that dictates who has final say in medical decisions if one person is incapacitated, inheritance tax and all sorts of things. If you've sorted all this out by wills though then I guess it is just an extra bit of paper.

My husband thinks its just a bit of paper. But he did it for me because why wouldnt you sign a meaningless bit of paper if the other person wanted you to?

AlternativePerspective · 23/11/2019 22:12

Non-resident parents on benefits are still expected to pay a very small amount in child maintenance. except as he’s the one at home he could argue for residency and then the OP would be liable for maintanence to him

Also, OP doesn’t actually seem to want him to work because of the cost of childcare. So is it the fact the child would need to go into childcare that is the issue? Or the loss of his benefits?

morriseysquif · 23/11/2019 22:15

What did he bring to the relationship / family life before he got ill?

Rubyroost · 23/11/2019 22:15

I was going to ask if you've spoken to him about how eager to marry him you are, but then I've read your other posts and there's deeper issues than getting married isn't there?!
Neither me nor my partner want to marry, we have a kid, but we are for the most part happy. You don't sound like you are x

hopelesssuitcase · 23/11/2019 22:17

Is he so sick that he can't put a child to bed? I mean he might be - but I'm getting the impression that is not the case

Original poster
Yellowpansy234 · 23/11/2019 22:19

@AlternativePerspective he wouldn't get residency, we're on a joint tenancy, and with no income coming in, he has my luck on keeping a house afloat on his own!

If and when he does go back to work, I know it'll fall on me to pay childcare, because he just doesn't care about these things, like it's down to me to buy clothes, toys and food for DS.

Were on UC jointly thats all, he doesn't get any benefits... So that's not an issue either... And if you want to know the ins and out, my mum has him one day a week, and he would only need one 1/2 day in nursery... So childcare isn't too expensive actually... Thanks.

OP posts:
Mamboitaliano · 23/11/2019 22:19

Why do YOU want to marry HIM? He sounds like a dick. Find someone nice to marry.