Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Oh doesn't want to get married.

199 replies

Yellowpansy234 · 23/11/2019 20:05

Me and OH have been together 7 years (next may), we have a 14 month old together.
My mum asked him today if we would get married, and he outright quite firmly said no.
I mean he's joked no before, but he was really adament tonight.

I'm a bit put out tbh, and now questioning if I can go my whole life with someone who doesn't want that commitment.

Think he's put off by his parents marriage fail, and says it's 'just a bit of paper'
AIBU questioning this?!

OP posts:
Interestedwoman · 23/11/2019 23:34

He's taking you for granted, otherwise he'd never have said something that way in front of others. To me, given the circumstances of the amount of effort you're putting in, to do that shows he doesn't know what side his bread is buttered on.

I think you should tell him how you feel, at least about that comment. You don't have anything to lose.

Other than that- there doesn't seem to be anything nice you can say about him, he's that bad!

You deserve a lot better. Hugs xxxxx

RightYesButNo · 23/11/2019 23:44

OP, I think you have every right to be hurt (who wouldn’t be?). You’ve had a hell of a wake-up call though, and maybe in good time. I understand he’s got a long-term sickness issue (I’m assuming you don’t want to say what because it may be outing), but you’ve mentioned so many things that he could probably still help with somewhat and yet he doesn’t. As you’ve even said, he could help put your DS to bed but doesn’t because you “do it better.”

It sounds like him saying “no” is your chance to re-evaluate - just because someone is ill, does not make you their personal skivvy, ESPECIALLY when you’re working 12-hour shifts on your own. I have a few painful conditions so my husband does more than his fair share around the house, and as a result, I make a large effort to do what I can, when I can, and to make sure he knows he’s appreciated. I think that’s what this comes down to: it sounds like your DP doesn’t appreciate you at all, and not wanting to marry you is just another nail in that coffin. And maybe he’s been slowly showing you that he appreciates you less and less for a while? And today was the break.

And my opinion on the “just a piece of paper” and his failed parents’ marriage... I have never met an emotionally healthy, ready-to-settle-down man with divorced parents who has used that excuse. And yet I’m almost positive every emotionally stunted, commitment-phobic manchild I’ve met has said it at one point... and blamed his parents. It’s no coincidence. It’s an excuse. It’s not just a piece of paper - it’s what allows you to be by his side in the event of a terrible accident. It’s financial protection, for yourself and your child. And it’s SUPPOSED to be the biggest emotional investment you choose to make in your life. Because unlike with your children, you could choose to walk away from a marriage any day, but you stay together, facing all comers, rain or shine, for hopefully decades. You sign 500x more paperwork to open a bank account, so signing one paper to invest in each other for the rest of your lives is really a pretty brilliant and simple process in comparison.

You can try talking to him. But unless he’s willing to make some huge changes... don’t waste more time with someone who isn’t giving you the best of themselves and doesn’t want to marry you (especially when you’re not even putting the pressure of a wedding on him). Good luck.

Lazypuppy · 23/11/2019 23:49

If my dp said he would never marry me, i'd walk away 100%. Deal breaker for me,but i made it very clear when i met dp.
By saying that they dont want to marey you, they are saying they don't want to commit to spending rest of their life with you.

Rubyroost · 23/11/2019 23:54

By saying they don't want to marey you, they are saying they don't want to commit to spending rest of their life with you

No, not necessarily. They are actually saying they don't want to get married. I've been with my partner 22 years, if I asked him today if he wanted to marry me he'd say now. I have absolutely no doubt he is committed to me for life, in fact more committed than the people I know have got married and divorced in half the time we have been together.

Rubyroost · 23/11/2019 23:55

No.

Motoko · 24/11/2019 00:29

To be honest, it's good that he doesn't want to marry you, because he doesn't sound like a decent person. Not having anything to do with your joint child, is despicable.

You would be better off without him.

Skippii · 24/11/2019 01:18

Don’t marry him if you have a pension and he doesn’t, or you will end up giving him half your pension and

SlightlyBonkersQFA · 24/11/2019 01:20
HouseworkAvoider10 · 24/11/2019 01:31

I'd bin him.
Who cares if he's sick, he sounds like a twat.
You'd be better off without him.
He doesn't love you or your child and yet that is what you are settling for.

ShippingNews · 24/11/2019 01:36

So you were with him for 5 years and you never clarified if he wanted to get married ( to you ). And then you got pregnant and had a baby , without clarifying if he wanted to get married ( to you) . So now your MOTHER asked him, and he said no. Sorry but it's a pity that YOU didn't ask him . Your OP sounds like you have never had a serious conversation about this very important subject. Sorry but it's a bit late now.

IndieTara · 24/11/2019 02:35

Op an ex and I were together 9 years, he left 2 months before our wedding then married his next girlfriend.
He just didn't want to marry me

BingoLittlesUncle · 24/11/2019 02:41

It’s not just a “bit of paper”. A marriage ensures you will have greater financial protection in the case that you split up. The fact that you have a child with this man who refuses to marry you leaves you in a more vulnerable position.

I spent my career as an IFA trying to drum this into people's heads. If he won't marry you OP get everything in joint names and make damn sure you're the beneficiary under his will.

RollOnNextYear · 24/11/2019 02:45

My ex said he'd never want to get married.. It was just a piece of paper.. We split. He married 2 yrs later. He's happy.
I'm, happy as I met and married someone.. OK so was 8 yrs later but still..

Graphista · 24/11/2019 03:43

He won’t marry you and has shit reasons for this.

He sounds like a shite father and partner generally

Why are you with him? What does he actually GIVE you and your son?

Weirdly my usual response to such threads is more pertinent than normal, it’s NOT just in the event of a split you could face difficulties due to not being married but also in the event of incapacity or death.

How are your finances arranged? Joint bank accounts? Wills? Any incapacity cover or life assurances? As a nurse presumably in the nhs you may have cover through work - or more correctly he’s covered if YOU become incapacitated or die.

What’s the good of him? The benefit of him? He doesn’t exactly sound a catch!

GiveHerHellFromUs · 24/11/2019 07:07

To be honest it doesn't sound like you want to marry him anymore either!

You say he's always said no jokingly - has he ever actually said yes?

Tellmetruth4 · 24/11/2019 08:03

Well tbh he’s always said he doesn’t want to get married jokingly or not. He’s never said he wants to get married so he’s never lied to OP. If she was passively sitting around in the hope that one day he’d change his mind, then that’s on her.

AnotherEmma · 24/11/2019 08:05

Well, based on your updates, he's a shit father and partner, and I have no idea why you'd want to marry him Confused

LTB

SunshineCake · 24/11/2019 08:13

"I'm not sure why the focus is on why I didn't sort this before a child, he was meant to be, perfect and I couldn't imagine life without DS now."

No one is saying your child wasn't meant to be Hmm. You are missing the point spectacularly.

Original poster
Yellowpansy234 · 24/11/2019 11:25

I'm not Missing the point...spectacularly.
Knowing what I've got now, it wouldn't have changed my mind in having a child, so that point is irrelevant.
I'm sure a lot of women, hope things will change, especially when a baby comes into it, you'd expect a man to want to be a family unit.

OP posts:
MsRomanoff · 24/11/2019 11:28

I'm sure a lot of women, hope things will change, especially when a baby comes into it, you'd expect a man to want to be a family unit.

Yes they do. That doesnt make it the right thing to do. Staying with someone hoping they will change their mind isnt fair to anyone.

You dont have to be married to be a family unit.

No one is saying you should regret your son, buy now getting all upset because he has said something he has always said is unreasonable.

Its unreasonable to be and stay with someone knowing how they feel about marriage then get annoyed at them because they disnt change their mind like you hoped they would.

crosspelican · 24/11/2019 11:38

You know, if you had a lovely little one bedroom flat for you and your son, and just the two of you to support, that 30 hours a week would go a LOT further.

It sounds like he brings precisely nothing to your life, except the expense of supporting him and taking responsibility for his entire share household responsibilities ("I know it'll fall on me to pay childcare, because he just doesn't care about these things, like it's down to me to buy clothes, toys and food for DS."), coupled with the humiliation of him adamantly stating to YOUR OWN MOTHER that he will never marry you.

I also agree with the poster above - it's not that he doesn't want to get married - he doesn't want to marry YOU. If he actually loved you the way you deserve he would be participating in your life together, not leaving everything to you and expecting to be 100% supported by you EVEN WHILE IN THE SAME BREATH SAYING HE'LL NEVER MARRY YOU. That alone shows what a selfish bastard he is.

Take 10 minutes to visualise the happiness, peace and financial comfort of a life with just you and your son.

BlueJava · 24/11/2019 11:45

You probably have to think about how much being married means to you and whether you'd split from him in order to get married to someone else. You obviously also have to consider financial side as marriage does offer some protection.

Personally, I never worried about being married, I've been with DP 23+ years and we aren't married. However, I don't need the security marriage offers and as neither of us have wanted to get married we've never done it.

Dandelion753 · 24/11/2019 12:05

If it’s “just a bit of paper” but your long term partner/ mother of your child really wants that bit of paper ... why would you refuse?

MulticolourMophead · 24/11/2019 12:13

Why do YOU want to marry HIM? He sounds like a dick. Find someone nice to marry.

OP, I'll echo those who say he doesn't want to marry you.

I left an ex after 3 decades. He refused to marry, said it was a bit of paper. He was abusive, swallowed pretty much all my money.

You are in a better position than I was. You can leave this man and find someone who does actually love you and want to marry you.

And it's okay to leave even though he's long term sick. Being sick is no excuse for the behaviour he's showing, ie, capable of putting your DS to bed "but you do it better than me".

I get about 15 Mins to eat and shower before having to go to bed with him.

And this, are you saying you have to go to bed when he wants? Why?

daisychain01 · 24/11/2019 12:34

Maybe you should've ironed this out before you had a child.

And the most unhelpful comment award goes to...

The "unhelpful" comment may be so, but at least it's honest and gets to the nub of the issue, as to why 6.5 years down the line, this significant difference in expectation is something that has been allowed to just trundle along in the background, swept under the carpet and joked away, rather than confronting the reality and reconciling the difference somehow. I'd force the issue, no time like the present (and speaking from past experience btw), opposing beliefs about marriage can cause festering resentment, if there isn't long term agreement.