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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Oh doesn't want to get married.

199 replies

Yellowpansy234 · 23/11/2019 20:05

Me and OH have been together 7 years (next may), we have a 14 month old together.
My mum asked him today if we would get married, and he outright quite firmly said no.
I mean he's joked no before, but he was really adament tonight.

I'm a bit put out tbh, and now questioning if I can go my whole life with someone who doesn't want that commitment.

Think he's put off by his parents marriage fail, and says it's 'just a bit of paper'
AIBU questioning this?!

OP posts:
adaline · 23/11/2019 20:41

Not an idea situation, but I guess it makes no difference to our financial situation if we are married or not.

It does make a difference in the long run - in terms of pensions (if he's ever able to go back to work), widows allowance should eh pass away and other bits and pieces too.

Is your name on the rental agreement? Can you increase your hours and ensure you can be financially independent?

Pinkblueberry · 23/11/2019 20:43

I think if two people decide together that they don’t want to marry then fair enough - but I think it’s odd when one partner decides they don’t, knowing that the other really wants to and is yet still adamant that they are committed. If they are committed, why is getting married such a no no? If they love their partner and know it’s forever, they should give that partner the marriage they want! (Unless of course they’re not as committed as they’d like the other partner to think...) I find it confusing.

RichTwoTurkeyFriend · 23/11/2019 20:43

He has told you, jokingly, over the years he won’t marry you.
Has he ever seriously said he will?
Because if so, YANBU.
However, if he has been essentially telling you for 6 years it’s not going to happen and you never clarified this, brought it up as a serious conversation and just assumed it would happen YABVU.
And I think it’s not unhelpful to ask why this wasn’t discussed before they started a family. These details might add wider context to the situation.

MsRomanoff · 23/11/2019 20:44

Surely after 7 years AND a child you have had this converstation seriously?

Tbh if dps mum said this to me I would give her a flat no. Because its non of her business.

You should be embarrassed your mum tries to put him on the spot, hoping she could corner him into saying that he did.

Why women spend so long with a man and not know these things, is beyond me.

Dp knows I wont marry again. Ever. We had that converstation early on and again before we moved in.

AnotherEmma · 23/11/2019 20:45

^all of this

AnotherEmma · 23/11/2019 20:45

Darn cross post! I was agreeing with RichTwo

MsRomanoff · 23/11/2019 20:47

And it might not be helpful to say 'why didn't you discuss this before'

But it does add to wether OP is unreasonable or not if he has never said that he wants to get married then she is being unreasonable in reacting this way.

itsAlmostXmas · 23/11/2019 20:48

Agree with @MsRomanoff I don't understand how 7 years on this is news? I find it odd that his attitude has been to turn this into jokes & frankly that you have let him.

I think you need to seriously consider if never getting married is a deal-breaker for you.

Drinkciderfromalemon · 23/11/2019 20:52

So, you support an unemployed man who doesn't want to marry you. Sounds peachy, OP, who wouldn't want to stay with him?

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 23/11/2019 20:54

I think you are equally BU and NBU.

Of course you are NBU in that you can have a 7 year relationship and a 1 year old but still have the hope that the person you love and want to spend the rest of your life with, may change their mind and want to marry you.

I don't agree with the 'you must have had the conversation'. It takes time to want to marry someone and the OP is perfectly entitled to hope that one day her DP might want to marry her.

But then on the other hand you are BU because it may happen some day and it may take many years and something might click or change. I say this only because I have been with DH for 20 years, 3 kids but only married for 3 years.
We simply didn't want to get married so I understand your DP's stance. But something did click. It took 17 years but it made sense.

At this current time with your DP, years under the belt, a DD and presumably living together is much bigger commitment that marriage alone so you need to decide if marriage is a deal breaker and if it is tv just accept that it isn't going to happen for a long time, it at all.

middlemuddle · 23/11/2019 20:54

No if you have differing opinions then you need to discuss it. Make sure you have your own finances if you aren't going to marry though, or at least your own savings, and if you ever get a mortgage then be careful too.

I doubt it's a reflection on how he feels about you, but more about how he feels about marriage. I'd discuss it with him, tell him it hurt you.

MsRomanoff · 23/11/2019 20:56

So, you support an unemployed man who doesn't want to marry you. Sounds peachy, OP, who wouldn't want to stay with him?

Wow. Would you tell OP that her do was supporting hee unemployment if she had a long term health condition.

Babybel90 · 23/11/2019 20:57

Ahh the old “it’s just a piece of paper” line.

Basically it’s just a piece of paper until you split up or die, so either he thinks he’ll die first in which case it won’t affect him or he thinks you will probably split up at some point and he wants to be able to just walk away.

Original poster
Yellowpansy234 · 23/11/2019 20:57

I didn't say it was news.
Just how dismissive he was, was a bit of a shock tbh, especially when I've bebe supporting him with his condition, financially, emotionally, i do 90% of care for our son too.
Just don't feel its very fair.

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 23/11/2019 20:57

Guys like this say "no!", but then so, so often meet someone else and bam, married in no time.

SlightlyBonkersQFA · 23/11/2019 20:58

A child is forever for the mother. Yes.

OP i dont know if you are working but never put you job second to his. You cannot be a sahm

AnotherEmma · 23/11/2019 21:00

"We simply didn't want to get married"

It's a completely different scenario when you're both on the same page.

It's much more difficult when one partner wants to get married (invariably the woman) and the other doesn't (invariably the man).

SlightlyBonkersQFA · 23/11/2019 21:01

I agree with @youjustdoit
He means he doesnt want to marry you. :-(
Dont rationalise that.

RandomMess · 23/11/2019 21:01

Tell him you hope to trade him in for a better model...

AnotherEmma · 23/11/2019 21:01

"Just don't feel its very fair."
No it's not. So what are you going to do about it?

MsRomanoff · 23/11/2019 21:02

Just how dismissive he was, was a bit of a shock tbh, especially when I've bebe supporting him with his condition, financially, emotionally, i do 90% of care for our son too

Maybe that's because your mum tried to put him on the spot

He doesnt want to get married, why does he need to explain that to your mum?

Maybe he sounded dismissive because its non if her business.

Supporting someone in I'll health is what partners do. Odd you think that that somehow should change his mind on marriage.

Also you just be a very high earner, to be supporting him financially, yourself. Make sure you have a good pension. Also if you are a high earner, you need to look into exactly what marriage would mean for you

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 23/11/2019 21:02

I had a partner who was the same, he didn't believe in marriage as it was just a piece of paper. We split up (other reasons) and I was shocked when I heard he had married his new partner just a year or so after meeting her.

I've lost count of the number of times I've seen this happen. Ditto men who didn't want (any or more) children until they found themselves with a new partner.

After seven years you should be able to have a frank conversation with him about how you feel and what your expectations are.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 23/11/2019 21:03

The time for this conversation was pre children.

I highly doubt the OP is financially supporting him, herself and a child given she only works two days.

Your mum was very wrong to put him on the spot but it sounds like he has always not be interested in marriage.

Original poster
Yellowpansy234 · 23/11/2019 21:03

@adaline yes, both names are on the tenancy.
I'm upping my hours in Feb (3 months notice) to 30 hours, but Ill be no better off because I'll have to pay for childcare if OH gets back to work.

Also I'm a nurse so have a good pension, and have paid in solidly for the last 3 years and plan to continue paying in as long as I'm a nurse!

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 23/11/2019 21:03

It sounds like he’s always said no, it wasn’t funny so not sure how it’s a joke. If in more than 6 years he’s never said he wants to get married and you agreed to have to have a child on that basis then I don’t think he’s done anything wrong.

The bullshit about his parents marriage failing is just an excuse this is interesting and I’m sure you’re right but I’m friends with a couple where he’s refused to get married because his parents divorced when he was a child, his partner is hugely successful in her career, he hates working so he jacked it in when she got pregnant and he’s a SAHD, no pension, and they live in a house she owns that his name isn’t on. The strength of his anti marriage sentiment has made him choose to be entirely reliant on her with no security at all. If she ever gets bored of supporting him - DC is now at school and he’s never planning to work again - he’ll probably be homeless and unemployable.