Oh doesn't want to get married.

[Yellowpansy234]

Me and OH have been together 7 years (next may), we have a 14 month old together.
My mum asked him today if we would get married, and he outright quite firmly said no.
I mean he's joked no before, but he was really adament tonight.

I'm a bit put out tbh, and now questioning if I can go my whole life with someone who doesn't want that commitment.

Think he's put off by his parents marriage fail, and says it's 'just a bit of paper'
AIBU questioning this?!

Yes, can you clarify what you mean by that ^?

Gah, cross post, I mean by this: I get about 15 Mins to eat and shower before having to go to bed with him.

Why do you have to go to bed with him?

So he's always said no but you've stayed with him for years and had a child with him and now you are surprised that he said no? I am sorry that you're upset but the pp was right. If marriage is important to you, why plan a life with someone who doesn't want to marry?

In the nicest possible way, it sounds like you like having your head firmly in the sand and don't want to think about what doesn't fit in your view.

You said that he "joked" that he didn't want to marry you. It sounds like he wasn't joking, but you weren't listening or discussing it.

When people point out that you could have discussed marriage before children, or before now; you get all offended but it's a fair point. Even if the child was a surprise then pregnancy is a time where you broadly plan for the future, you know, buy clothes and furniture and discuss parenting and other future stuff, like marriage. So why didn't you discuss tge future of your family with him?

You had 6+ years to discover if your views on marriage were the same. How on earth did this subject not come up for discussion? Surely you either went to a wedding, or saw one on tv, or something like that?

There must be a reason why you never discussed this, this shouldn't be a surprise. Now you can only decide if you stay or go, but now you are in a position where separating means only seeing your child part time.

Next time, discuss all the importamt bit in the first year of dating, don't assume.

No not that sick he cannot put the child to bed... But it's left to me because I do it better than him.

Oh seriously my cat is more useful than your 'DP' - although cocklodger would be more appropriate as he sounds neither dear nor a partner. If the shoe was on the other foot and you were ill do you think he would support you?

I hope your DC has your surname or at least double barrel it to include yours.

I actually think he has done you a favour in saying this because it has made you reevaluate your relationship and from what you have said here he is a waste of space. Marrying him would be disastrous for you. I hope you look back on his refusal to marry you as an absolute blessing because from reading your posts that's what it is

"I'm sure a lot of women, hope things will change, especially when a baby comes into it, you'd expect a man to want to be a family unit."

Most sensible women who want marriage would get this sorted before having a child, not sit about and hope their partner will decide on the strength of a kid that they now want to get married.

@Yellowpansy234 the point as you know is what to do now. Id tell him you have realised you wouldnt marry him , he doesn't deserve you. You can do better. You will do better. Even if that is as a single woman who is independent emotionally and financially. You are vulnerable now with yr child not even at school age. Move back to your mother/near your mother for a while so that you can support yrself. Things will be ok but not if you throw good years after bad.

Agree with SlightlyBonkers ^^

And why the fuck isnt he practising putting your child to bed as he is not as good as you? He is a lazy shit!

And why on earth do you have to go to bed at the same time as him? Wouldn’t you like a little down-time after your shift? Perhaps to watch some telly or read, or surf the net or do some chores or something?

Also if you did manage to get him up the aisle and then it all fell to pieces later on, given that he is not working etc, you would probably end up giving him money! Cut this one loose and find someone more deserving.

Yeh no point marrying an arsehole!!

What SGB said. He's not worth marrying. For the future, if you want marriage, don't have kids with the guy first.

I'm sure a lot of women, hope things will change, especially when a baby comes into it, you'd expect a man to want to be a family unit.
Ahhhh, there it is.
So it seems pretty clear that he has been open about not wanting to get married if you expected/wanted him to change.
Based on that - YABVU. You’re moving the goalposts, not him.

Well he's actually stupid as well as lazy and useless. Because agreeing to marry you would be so much more in his interest - if you were married, you would have to support him. Right now, you could take DC and walk away from this loser. I suggest you do that.

💐

You are NBU questioning his stance.
You are NBU for wanting him to want to marry you as you seem to be doing everything and more for his happiness and well-being.
You ABVVVU for wanting to get married to him as he sounds a selfish prick, a shit dad and a lazy bastard.

I think you want to believe that he wants to marry you to make all of this seem worthwhile. Its not. As a PP said, get your own place for your son & you and while you are not running round looking after this selfish prat, your independence & value will shine through.

So for those 7 years were you secretly hoping he'd one day propose?

Honestly OP,

He's certainly no prize.

I hope you are using contraception.

I'd move home and get your life together.

Why would you want a proposal from this lazy lump.

Exactly what type of future do you envisage with him?

More children, him doing sod all, out of work and thinking he is some prize that gets to decide he won't marry the working mother of his children, who carries the load at home too.

Would you want your life for child?

Christ!

So he's home all day and is physically capable of doing more, but leaves everything to you.

I call cocklodger.

LTB. Honestly, what benefits are you getting from this relationship? Unfortunate that he is unwell but it's not like you 've promised "in sickness and in health", is it? Because he refuses to do that.

My ex had serious undiagnosed depression at the time I left. He was a prick and I was justified in leaving him. He, too, was adamant he wasn't getting married again, to me. In hindsight, this was because he didn't want to be in a position to have to hand over a settlement on divorce.

He's still a prick.

Yanbu to be hurt.

Depends what sort of marriage you want. Neither me or OH wanted to marry but after the death of a close relative and the hassle of sorting the paperwork we decided it would be worthwhile for a few resons, all of them financial.

So we did it. On April Fools day as we felt it was a bit of a joke having to get married for certain benefits. We did it woth just 2 witnesses and havent told another soul.

It wasnt a "wedding" or marriage for us to celebrate our togetherness. It works for us.

But if you want a wedding or marriage which is meaningful to you then convincing and begging him isnt the way to go.

You need to know his reasons and if they trump yours and go from there. But it does sound like if you get married he will see it as me an OH do - a necessary evil- rather than a celebration and you need to decide if thats how you want your wedding/marriage. X

In my experience if a man says he doesn’t want to marry you, he does not want to marry you, ever

He’s making it very clear to you.

Even if you change his mind by doing a dance or emotionally convincing him his child will benefit, he’ll always be resentful and complain that you nagged him into it.

Or maybe he’s just a bit down because he’s long term unemployed and he’ll change his mind and perk up later.

Unless he’s unable to move there’s no reason he shouldn’t be looking after your ds.

He doesn’t seem interested at all op seeing as you’re doing everything including planning Christmas.

So....

He doesn't work.

He doesn't contribute financially to the household.

He can't look after his son on his own.

He can't cope with putting his son to bed.

He can't think about what to buy his son for Christmas.

Um.... why would you even want to marry such a useless man?

It's whether it's a deal breaker to you.

My ex didn't want to get married. Didn't 'do' marriage. He did get engaged (but even said it was just to prove he was committed)

However, for me, it was a deal breaker. We broke up (very upsetting but personally I couldn't stay with someone who wouldn't commit)

Anyway. We are great friends. it's all good. However, 2 years ago he did get married.

So just to say, it's not he doesn't want to get married - he doesn't want to get married to you!

Personally, given you have a child, I wouldn't push it. Just saying.