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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Oh doesn't want to get married.

199 replies

Yellowpansy234 · 23/11/2019 20:05

Me and OH have been together 7 years (next may), we have a 14 month old together.
My mum asked him today if we would get married, and he outright quite firmly said no.
I mean he's joked no before, but he was really adament tonight.

I'm a bit put out tbh, and now questioning if I can go my whole life with someone who doesn't want that commitment.

Think he's put off by his parents marriage fail, and says it's 'just a bit of paper'
AIBU questioning this?!

OP posts:
BennyTheBall · 23/11/2019 21:03

No, it's not fair. Is this what you want long term?

SlightlyBonkersQFA · 23/11/2019 21:04

Your mum obviously cares about your position. Can you move in with your mum while you get back on your feet and job hunt and soon (well...) your child will be nearly ready for school.

AnotherEmma · 23/11/2019 21:04

"I'll have to pay for childcare if OH gets back to work."

Let me correct that for you

We'll have to pay for childcare if OH gets back to work.

Presumably you're on UC atm. You might get help with childcare costs.

Original poster
Yellowpansy234 · 23/11/2019 21:05

It's not very helpful asking why this wasn't sorted before I had a baby with him, I wouldn't change DS for the world, to be Frank it's none of your business if he was planned or not.

I guess I kind of hoped it would happen one day, but now I know different I guess!

OP posts:
MsRomanoff · 23/11/2019 21:05

How is it not fair?

He has always said no. OP continued to be in the relationship.

It's not like he would and now dropped it on her. That would be unfair.

Rezie · 23/11/2019 21:05

So you've been aware this whole time that he doesn't want to get married and you are fine with it. It was the strong no in front of finally that offence you. Is this right?

I guess if my partners parents were asking about marriage plans I would get annoyed and sound strong to make them shut up about it.

Ginger1982 · 23/11/2019 21:06

"I'm a bit put out tbh, and now questioning if I can go my whole life with someone who doesn't want that commitment."

Afraid I agree with @BennyTheBall. There seem to be a lot of women who agree to have kids with men without securing the commitment they really want.

Obviously you can't change that now OP so I suppose you do have to decide whether staying together without marriage is something you can live with. And make sure you're protected in some way financially.

Walnutwhipster · 23/11/2019 21:06

When I see this I just think he doesn't want to marry you. The amount of women I've known who this has been the case then their exes go on to marry is staggering. He doesn't see any advantage when he already has you and a child.

AlternativePerspective · 23/11/2019 21:07

I’m always somewhat baffled by these posters who are hurt at the man’s lack of commitment and would consider ending a relationship even though there is already a child in the mix.

Yes, of course the pregnancy might have been unplanned, but if marriage was so important to the OP then why didn’t she bring it up as important while she was still pregnant? Then she could have chosen to end the relationship and be a single parent. Instead she already has a one year old and only now is she hurt that it appears her partner of almost seven years doesn’t want to marry her, when actually he’s made it fairly clear even if in a joking way that he doesn’t.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/11/2019 21:09

I don't agree with the 'you must have had the conversation'. It takes time to want to marry someone and the OP is perfectly entitled to hope that one day her DP might want to marry her.

Not normally more than 6 years.

I’ll never understand how people can be naked and have sex with each other but not openly and honestly discuss the life they each want and all the decisions along the way.

PepePig · 23/11/2019 21:10

Laughing at the arrogant posters saying "you should have known" then following up their little spiel with "I told DP I was never marrying again!"

So, presumably, you had a bad first marriage? Oh, what's that? You didn't know everything in that relationship? Surely, by your own reasoning, you must have known it was going to happen.

OP, ignore these people. They're nasty and are enjoying jumping on someone else's pain. You need to sit and figure out what you want. Is it just the lavishness/spending money on the wedding DP is against? If so, would a registry office do work? It might not be your dream, but at least you'd be legally protected. I hope you're doing okay.

Original poster
Yellowpansy234 · 23/11/2019 21:12

@PepePig thank you, I'm fine, just wonder what it would be like to be felt loved and wanted. Things have been a bit stressful with his health, a new baby, now Toddler, emotions, working 12 hour shift.

OP posts:
londonrach · 23/11/2019 21:13

Wow, its not just a piece of paper its alot more than that. Protect yourself op financially as one thing ive learnt from mn is men dont care about their children or partners if they find someone new.

Original poster
Yellowpansy234 · 23/11/2019 21:13

@PepePig I don't even want a big wedding, it's not me at all.
I've only ever wanted a registry office then a meal with family, or a hall with just our Closest.

OP posts:
StCharlotte · 23/11/2019 21:14

Well from what you say, you're better off not marrying him.

PepePig · 23/11/2019 21:17

@AnneLovesGilbert

I’ll never understand how people can be naked and have sex with each other but not openly and honestly discuss the life they each want and all the decisions along the way.

Oh bore off. You're hardly going to discuss marriage with every ONS, are you? Life is complex. You don't know what might have went on in OPs life. How long her partners health condition may have been bad for. Her age (which may have impacted on when to try for her baby). How long they were trying for a baby for. Their living situations. Their job situations. The list goes on.

There are many external factors which would mean that OP wouldn't think marriage was appropriate at that time. That, combined with her partner "joking" might not have worried her.

Stop butting in with little snide comments. It's pathetic.

Andysbestadventure · 23/11/2019 21:18

So you're financially supporting him. Probably caring for him. Just had his child. But he doesn't want to get married? Right.

In the bin with him

Drinkciderfromalemon · 23/11/2019 21:18

MsRomanoff yeah, really would. Cock lodgers are cock lodgers. You are clearly a bleeding heart, good for you.

madcatladyforever · 23/11/2019 21:18

I wouldn't get married again on your life! I've lost enough money in two previous divorces. I wouldn't do it even if it was a deathbed request.

Evilspiritgin · 23/11/2019 21:18

You honestly think that getting married will make you feel loved and wanted??

Your partner as much as you don’t like it is entitled to not want to get married, you actually are in the stronger position at the moment, you are in work and will have a decent pension

By the way people who are supposedly in love support each over when the other is off sick.

TacoLover · 23/11/2019 21:19

Tbh I'd have to say YABU seeing as he's always said he doesn't want to get married, jokingly or not. What were you expecting exactly, for him to just magically change his mind? If he'd initially said yes and then changed his mind then my opinion would be completely different.

And I dont understand the vitriol directed at the OH by other posters; he hasn't lied or lead the OP on, he hasn't said he wants to get married from the beginning at all. It is okay to not want to get married. It's not his fault that the OP has deluded herself for years that he will suddenly change his mind one day is it?

AlternativePerspective · 23/11/2019 21:20

So OP did you not discuss this when you were pregnant? Having a child is a lifetime commitment regardless of whether you stay together or not. If you split you will still have to stay in touch for life because of the child you have together.

I understand that unplanned pregnancies happen and that children result. Or even that planned pregnancies happen outside of marriage, but I cannot fathom why someone who wants a lifetime commitment in the form of marriage would suddenly feel unloved about it after the child has turned one and when the man has made it clear that he’s not up for marriage.

And actually, for the posters saying the OP’s financial future is at risk here, actually, as he’s not working and the OP is the breadwinner, if they were married and then split up he would be in the better position financially.

MsRomanoff · 23/11/2019 21:20

PepePig for a Starrt op did know.

Secondly, yes I had a bad first marriage. 15 years. 12 years in exh had a breakdown. Became physically and mentally abusive then raped me. Didnt really have much to do with not knowing everything about relationships.

I never said I did. But what I do know, is you make sure your life plans are compatible with the person you are planning your life with.

Evilspiritgin · 23/11/2019 21:21

My husband died I certainly wouldn’t get married again

MsRomanoff · 23/11/2019 21:22

MsRomanoffyeah, really would. Cock lodgers are cock lodgers. You are clearly a bleeding heart, good for you.

I am far from a bleeding heart. I simply dont think people with long term medical conditions are cock lodgers.

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