Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Oh doesn't want to get married.

199 replies

Yellowpansy234 · 23/11/2019 20:05

Me and OH have been together 7 years (next may), we have a 14 month old together.
My mum asked him today if we would get married, and he outright quite firmly said no.
I mean he's joked no before, but he was really adament tonight.

I'm a bit put out tbh, and now questioning if I can go my whole life with someone who doesn't want that commitment.

Think he's put off by his parents marriage fail, and says it's 'just a bit of paper'
AIBU questioning this?!

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 23/11/2019 22:19

If the situation is that you are joint tenants and you are currently supporting him financially, he's actually doing you a favour by refusing to marry you. Because if you were married and got sick of carrying him, you might find yourself stuck with having to support him as the SAHP while your DC is small.
It's probably worth asking yourself what you are actually getting out of this relationship. It sounds as though you are doing all the breadwinning and all the domestic work, while he lies around whining. Right now, you could chuck him out and move on, whereas ending a marriage is more complicated.

Yellowpansy234 · 23/11/2019 22:20

@hopelesssuitcase

OP posts:
Yellowpansy234 · 23/11/2019 22:20

No not that sick he cannot put the child to bed... But it's left to me because I do it better than him. 🙄

OP posts:
JenniferM1989 · 23/11/2019 22:21

That old chestnut of 'a child is a bigger commitment than marriage' really makes me laugh. It can take minutes to create a child in moments of lust a lot of the time but it takes at least a few weeks and total agreement to marry someone. It's not more commitment at all. You make a commitment to a child when you have one, not to your partner. Marriage is about the couple making a commitment to each other

JenniferM1989 · 23/11/2019 22:21

That old chestnut of 'a child is a bigger commitment than marriage' really makes me laugh. It can take minutes to create a child in moments of lust a lot of the time but it takes at least a few weeks and total agreement to marry someone. It's not more commitment at all. You make a commitment to a child when you have one, not to your partner. Marriage is about the couple making a commitment to each other

JacobReesClunge · 23/11/2019 22:23

Yeah, having a child with a perform doesn't involve any commitment to them. Marriage does.

TheHootiestOwl · 23/11/2019 22:24

Actually from what you’ve written recently I don’t think you should marry him. He’s got far much more to gain from it in terms of finance and security.

What do you get out of this relationship? He doesn’t even want to put his own child to bed.

Neverender · 23/11/2019 22:24

He doesn't care about who looks after your child, what they eat or what they play with. Sounds like an absolute winner....Erm...

MistyCloud · 23/11/2019 22:24

@aquarianaura

Just to offer a different opinion: to me, marriage is pointless. It's an expensive piece of paper and a party I would never want. It's meaningless.

Maybe your opinion.

But.

100% wrong. Not to mention worrying and disturbing that you think this.

MistyCloud · 23/11/2019 22:26

@JenniferM1989

That old chestnut of 'a child is a bigger commitment than marriage' really makes me laugh.

It might make you laugh. But a child IS a bigger commitment than marriage. Good grief! It's unfathomable that you think it's not!Confused

JacobReesClunge · 23/11/2019 22:26

Yes, I don't think I'd want to marry this one.

Deadringer · 23/11/2019 22:27

What exactly does he bring to the relationship? He sounds lazy and disinterested. Yes it would be nice if he wanted to marry you, but tbh I think you deserve way better. I think you should ltb.

MsRomanoff · 23/11/2019 22:27

OP, why would you want to marry him?

Either he is waster who happens to be ill, or is a good guy who is ill.

But given how you feel about him, why would you actually want to marry him?

PicsInRed · 23/11/2019 22:27

Jesus wept, OP, don't marry this man.

He will have a absolutely rinse you on the way out.

TowelNumber42 · 23/11/2019 22:27

Think he's put off by his parents marriage fail That statement is not being against having the piece of paper. It is against being in a long term committed relationship. This is what you are seeing in real life too I think. You have a baby and all of a sudden your relationship is more of a commitment. His mental health takes a dive. He stops participating in the relationship. You do everything. He withholds.

There you have it, he never wanted a "real" long term relationship so he's making damn sure he doesn't allow this relationship become one. Maybe subconscious. Whether it is a conscious decision or not, he said he didn't want marriage aka long term responsibilities and now it is being forced upon him he has downed tools: no work, no childcare, no support for you.

MeTheCoolOne · 23/11/2019 22:28

If one of my in-laws asked if I was going to marry their child I would probably give and arsey dismissive response too.

OP, I think YABU to expect him to change his mind but yanbu to want to get married.

TBH it doesn’t sound like you are a good partnership. He sounds lazy (although hard to tell with his illness) and you sound resentful of him. It’s hardly the ideal basis for a marriage.

MistyCloud · 23/11/2019 22:33

Not much you can do really @Yellowpansy234 As a number of posters have said, your DP has made it clear he is never getting married, and that is that really. It's up to you if you stay with him. As a pp has said, he has you where he wants you, supporting him, and he has a kid with you. Why does he need to get married? It's not going to benefit him. Some men don't do anything unless there's something in it for them.

I actually know a number of women in the same situation. Two women I know were both with a man for 5 to 6 years, and both men didn't want to commit but she did. The relationships ended (one he finished it, and the other, SHE did.) Within a year and a half, both men had met and married someone else. So as a few people have said, it's not that they didn't want to get married; they just didn't want to get married to those 2 particular women.

I am at a loss as to why a woman chooses to have a baby with a man who refuses to get married (when she wants to get married,) and I do wonder if they do it in the hope he will change his mind and get married.

I also find it very odd that a man will not commit to marriage, but will have kids with a woman! Why is that? Is it her who wants a baby more? Does she accidentally fall pregnant in the hope he will marry her? I just ask that because I struggle to fathom why a man won't get married to a woman, but he is prepared to have children with her.

I also know a young woman right now, who has been with her partner for eight years (both 28 now,) and they are in the same position now that they were ten months after they met. Still renting a house, (despite being on £100K a year between them,) not even engaged, and no wedding date on the horizon.

'So what?' you may say. but SHE wanted to buy a property with him, and get married, and have a baby by the age of 30! (Not a chance of that happening now!) He just keeps saying 'in time, in time.......' and 'everything comes to those who wait.' So fucking patronising and minimising.

The amount of money they have wasted on their £700 a month rental home in the last 7 years is sickening, when you think they could have been paying that off a mortgage. Where they live, you can get a 3 bed semi with a drive and garage in a nice area for £150K.

I feel so sorry for her, and think she is going to be deeply regretful to have wasted all these years (the best years of her youth/twenties) on this man who is CLEARLY never going to commit.

Thing is, he is never saying NO to her, but he is just stringing her along, dragging his feet, and frankly pissing her about. He has no intention of committing and everyone can see it but her.

She has seen multiple women she knows (several cousins of hers AND his, several close friends, and several workmates,) all meet a man, get engaged, and get married ALL in the time she has known her partner. And some of them have bought a house. While she is still in the position she was when they started dating at the age of 20. Their relationship has barely moved on an inch.

I don't know why women put up with this, and tolerate men who won't commit (when they want to.) Sadly, some women settle for second best just so they are not alone. Maybe rude to say that, but it's true.

JenniferM1989 · 23/11/2019 22:35

MistyCloud...

Nah, if having a child was a bigger commitment, we wouldn't have so many single parents and children that don't really have fathers or mothers sometimes because they buggered off. I'm aware this happens with marriage also but there's a little word called divorce which means there's a negotiation that needs to take place and it can't be ignored. An unmarried person can walk away from their partner and never speak to them again if they wanted, not so easy to do that when you're married

BeanBag7 · 23/11/2019 22:35

If and when he does go back to work, I know it'll fall on me to pay childcare, because he just doesn't care about these things, like it's down to me to buy clothes, toys and food for DS.
This sounds like a far bigger issue than him not wanting to get married.

Weenurse · 23/11/2019 22:44

I would thank your lucky stars you are not married and ask yourself is this what I want for my future?

TowelNumber42 · 23/11/2019 22:46

He doesn't want to be married in the wider general sense, not just the legal statement. He doesn't want the life. He is refusing to participate in that life right now, every day. You are flogging a dead horse. He does not want the mortgage, wife and child lifestyle.

middlemuddle · 23/11/2019 22:50

Misty why say it's her opinion then tell her she's wrong Grin she's not wrong, it's her opinion- which differs from yours.

Pimmsypimms · 23/11/2019 23:12

Why would you want to marry him op? It sounds like a really miserable situation to me. Whilst he is off long term, could he be doing more at home to help? This doesn't sound like a partnership, it sounds like you're looking at 2 children not one.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/11/2019 23:30

For fuck's sake, op. Why would you want to marry this man? Get the fuck out as quickly as possible. He is nothing but an anchor around your neck.

Womenwotlunch · 23/11/2019 23:34

He doesn’t want to marry you.

Swipe left for the next trending thread