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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Oh doesn't want to get married.

199 replies

Yellowpansy234 · 23/11/2019 20:05

Me and OH have been together 7 years (next may), we have a 14 month old together.
My mum asked him today if we would get married, and he outright quite firmly said no.
I mean he's joked no before, but he was really adament tonight.

I'm a bit put out tbh, and now questioning if I can go my whole life with someone who doesn't want that commitment.

Think he's put off by his parents marriage fail, and says it's 'just a bit of paper'
AIBU questioning this?!

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 23/11/2019 21:23

I actually wonder whether this has more to do with the fact OP cannot deal with his health situation but doesn’t want to look like the bad guy for leaving him over his health, so marriage is a convenient get-out for her.

PepePig · 23/11/2019 21:25

@Yellowpansy234

Once you've calmed down I'd sit him down and have a nice, calm chat about it. Explain what it means to you, and that it's about the sentiment rather than a big flashy do. Ask him exactly what his issues are regarding it. Set a time limit for yourself for a proposal happening (say 6m, year etc), and if it is a deal breaker, then you know what to do.

However, in the mean time, you should think about securing a future for yourself so if the worst happens, you and your little one will be okay. Could he look after your child and you go back to work FT if he's off work?

Itsjustmee · 23/11/2019 21:25

My DH was with his ex for over 10 years and refused to get married
We met and got married within 3 months and have been married for over 20 years
I’ve seen this exact scenario played out lots of times over the years with my friends

SunshineCake · 23/11/2019 21:26

A child is not more of a commitment than marriage as we all know parents can walk away and the child never sees their parent again.

Priority should be to get your child protected.

I'm sorry your husband died, Evil, but that is not the same as the Op situation.

PepePig · 23/11/2019 21:30

@MsRomanoff

*Secondly, yes I had a bad first marriage. 15 years. 12 years in exh had a breakdown. Became physically and mentally abusive then raped me. Didnt really have much to do with not knowing everything about relationships.

I never said I did. But what I do know, is you make sure your life plans are compatible with the person you are planning your life with.*

Firstly, OP didn't.

Secondly, you spent 12 years with someone then everything changed (not that I asked you or care). This has happened in OPs relationship. She thought one thing was going to happen, now it isn't. It isn't a matter of who has it worse, everyone is allowed to be upset at life not panning out how they wanted/expected it to.

No matter your own experiences, it doesn't mean you can shit all over someone else's feelings. Wise up.

ActualHornist · 23/11/2019 21:30

So you'd leave the father of your child because he won't marry you, even though he's always indicated he wouldn't marry you?

Yes YABU.

AlternativePerspective · 23/11/2019 21:31

And if a man said that his wife was too reliant because she was off long term sick he would be ripped apart on here.

And actually, I’m wondering why, when it is the OP who is more financially secure, people feel she is the one who should be protected? He is actually the one in the more precarious position financially, and given he’s not currently working would potentially have a case for residency of the child given he’s at home all day.

Original poster
Yellowpansy234 · 23/11/2019 21:32

@PepePig yes I suppose, but he struggles to look after him solely, alongside his health conditions.
And tbh, I don't want to miss out on DS that much, as selfish as that may be.
I get a decent monthly wage for 23 hours a week, going up to 30 will help.

I need to think about things.

I'm not sure why the focus is on why I didn't sort this before a child, he was meant to be, perfect and I couldn't imagine life without DS now.

OP posts:
theEnglishInPatient · 23/11/2019 21:32

I am sorry the point is taken so badly, but it's a valid point to wonder why people don't discuss values and commitment BEFORE the make the ultimate one and decide to have a baby.

It's too late now, but it's a bit sad that priorities seem a bit upside down, and people get hurt. So many posters, mainly women, seem stuck in not so great relationship.

MsRomanoff · 23/11/2019 21:33

PepePig op did know. She said, he always said no and that 'this isnt news, it's the way he was dismissive'

OP was fully aware. I told you why my marriage broke down, because you claimed people who dont want to get married again, feel that way because their first marriage failed due to them not knowing everything about relationships.

I said, what happend in response.

You really think a man, who has always said he doesnr want to get married, saying he doesnr want to get married is the same as a mental breakdown? Really?

rosiejaune · 23/11/2019 21:34

Would he get civil partnered? Maybe he has a different attitude to that.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/11/2019 21:34

You feeling okay PepePig?

FYI I’ve never had a one night stand and OP has been with this bloke for many years so it’s not relevant is it.

The point stands, they had plenty of time to discuss marriage, we know they did and he always said he wasn’t up for it. He hasn’t changed his mind. I imagine he wasn’t thrilled to be questioned by OP’s mum about it when as far as he’s concerned he’s always been perfectly clear what his views are.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 23/11/2019 21:35

The focus is because if you decide you want more so leave to find it elsewhere, it affects a child and his father. A father who has been honest from the start re marriage.

If marriage is a deal breaker, the you walk away pre children imo.

theEnglishInPatient · 23/11/2019 21:37

I agree with that.

If getting married is really important for you (and it is to me) and your partner is not ready to commit, you just walk away. You don't have to settle until you find the right person.
Once you have a child together, you are stuck, and it's sad.

category12 · 23/11/2019 21:38

I wouldn't rush to have another child with him.

ActualHornist · 23/11/2019 21:39

The focus is because if marriage was all important to you, then you would have had a serious conversation and if the answer was 'never' you would have left and had a baby with someone else.

TacoLover · 23/11/2019 21:39

I'm not sure why the focus is on why I didn't sort this before a child, he was meant to be, perfect and I couldn't imagine life without DS now.
Because now you have to consider your child's welfare as well as your own in deciding on whether you want to separate from him.

PepePig · 23/11/2019 21:40

@Yellowpansy234

Honestly, people are just protecting their own issues onto you. Ignore them. Children are a blessing. And I had mine before getting married and if definitely not change it for the world! Smile

Definitely up your hours, at least you'll be comfortable that way financially. Honestly, no matter what happens, you're clearly a good mum and you'll figure it out. Be kind to yourself Flowers

PepePig · 23/11/2019 21:42

@AnneLovesGilbert

Why would I care if you've had a ONS? The thread isn't about you and your snide comments.

Original poster
Yellowpansy234 · 23/11/2019 21:42

Not really, because then I wouldn't have this DC would I, id have another mix of genes, and it wouldn't be the same.
I don't regret it, but maybe I walk Away now.

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 23/11/2019 21:44

"Maybe you should've ironed this out before you had a child.

And the most unhelpful comment award goes to.."

The most relevant question though. If marriage is important to OP, why didn't she check that before having a child with him?

theEnglishInPatient · 23/11/2019 21:45

people are just protecting their own issues onto you.

not really, it's the OP who started a thread because she was upset. Not everything is about "projecting".

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/11/2019 21:51

Stop tagging me PepePig, I’m on the thread. I’m not being snide Hmm and I see no one here posting with “issues”. Lots of us can see the OP is unhappy and trying to work out how they’ve been together so long without agreeing on/resolving such a major part of the life. Marriage and kids are the two great deal breakers. You can go through life making plans and doing everything you can to get what you want, being honest about what that is, or you can sleep walk into situations that don’t give you what you want because you’re scared of being honest. If you choose the latter approach you might get lucky or you might be disappointed but you have to take responsibility.

Polly111 · 23/11/2019 21:51

I think if you’re generally happy with the relationship it would be madness to throw it all away just because your partner won’t get married.

In your circumstances you’re better off not getting married as if you split he could claim part of your pension and you may also be liable for spousal maintenance if he’s financially dependent on you.

AlternativePerspective · 23/11/2019 21:52

I'm not sure why the focus is on why I didn't sort this before a child, he was meant to be, perfect and I couldn't imagine life without DS now. because clearly marriage wasn’t that important to you then or you wouldn’t have had a child. Or are you one of those women who believe that you could change him and now it’s been shown once and for all that you can’t you’re upset?