If this was the response you heard in the background on the phone, how would you feel?

[Alrighteo]

Context: Relates to two family members.

Have been trying to get through to one family member unsuccessfully for about a week now (emails & whatsapp calls/messages). Nothing answered.

So I rang another family member, who I knew was in the company of the one I was trying to get through to. The second one who answered the phone said, 'she's busy now, she's cooking dinner' and I said 'it's literally 2 seconds to clarify something.

Second family member says to the elusive one 'Can you spare two seconds?'. First family member says 'FFS WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HER NOW?'.

For various reasons I can't eliminate contact with first family member. So what would you do, what would you think? My brother has recommended a book to me (though he has a different experience/relationship with first family member).

How do I deal with someone who is an utterly manipulative, bullying cunt and maintain my sanity?

As an analogy, think ex husband, and you're ringing about an issue with the children, you get through to his sister and that's what you hear in the background...........

I was just wondering what a dd would think if they overheard their mother saying what mine said about me.

It’s obviously a horrid thing to say. But why are you allowing yourself to be surprised and affected by it? It seems like a small drop in the ocean compared to how she has been in the past. If she is continuing to cause you so much mental upset by such a small (although unkind) action, then you really have no choice but to go no contact.

What are the options for your daughter? Does she have any alternatives? If she is also experiencing abuse at the hands of
Your mother it is appalling to think of her trapped there. Are your siblings able to offer her a home if you can’t?

DD has has since birth an innate quietness about her. While every other baby on the ward was screaming, she was just watching - lying in her cot with her big brown eyes, just taking everything in. She's an old soul.
My siblings both have highly responsible highly regarded jobs; I'm unemployed at the moment.

My brother lied as he felt dd was safer with our mother than in foster care. (It would never have come to that as dd's godmother was willing to take her in - though SS less likely to go with that as it involves paying a non-relative (godmother is a millionaire so wouldn't have requested or needed money).
But.......... they felt leaving dd in the area with family she knew was the best and only option. If I disagreed with that, they would immediately go to court and get her formally removed.

They consulted my brother when I reported the abuse from my mother and he lied.

My mother presents well, so she got my child........... Revenge.
That's what it was. When I was a single Mum, I couldn't get her to babysit, yet she happily takes my child completely from me...

Anyway, thanks to the 50% kind posters. Your messages were reassuring to read amidst the plethora of further abuse and accusations.... None of them have gone unnoticed. I'm tired now and need bed! Possibly won't bother catching up on this thread in the morning as the nasties are also at 50%. I don't need to hear/read more shite.

You’re getting a tough time here because people like to feel they have the complete picture in the first post, and years of abuse from a mother is impossible to condense that way.

People in similar situations know that a single comment, a single response/non-response, a single look are never just that, because you can never assume good intentions. In fact, it’s the total opposite, and then you’re being gaslit for finding issues when there apparently aren’t any. Therefore, YOU must be the issue.

I get it, OP. My sympathies with this shitty situation.

If you can, keep looking after your head. x

Tbh OP I think if you'd been more honest and explained more details at the beginning rather than different cryptic messages throughout the post then you would have got more out of it and people might have been a little more understanding. I'm not condoning negative comments but I think if you read back you mention an ex husband and his partner at one point and it's only much later you mention it's your moths and DD. I think if you want honest feedback you need to be more honest at the outset yourself. Best wishes to you and hope it all works out

OP, do you have a personality disorder?

Imy certain you have posted here before, about your daughter/mother and other issues.

You always present the same way.

Your daughter is 15 and doesn’t have a mobile phone to text her on?

I’m still confused why she’s with your mum - have SS removed her from you?

Why email your mum and not your daughter?

So much missing from this story

Can you not just make an anonymous call to social services to remove your daughter if your mum is that viscous?

Rather odd how she wanted you to abort your DD and yet she's willing to look after her for the last 10years.

There's a lot of discrepancies In your story.

The pain and the fear and worry and the anxiety knowing what she's [DD] living through is too much for me to bear.

But your DD has to actually bear it?! I feel for your childhood, but can’t understand why you’re making your daughter live it. It’s been 10 years since you left to “save yourself” - as the current living situation is not court mandated, what’s stopping your daughter living with you now?

@GirlDownUnder I'm with you. there are so many odd aspects to this story I'm not even sure if it's genuine any more. None of it makes sense at all and I'm not giving it any more attention.

"I would love no contact - but she has my daughter - so she needs to respond to simple emails."

She doesn't though. You have no way to make her respond. And she is probably enjoying winding you up by refusing to reply.

And of course "FFS WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HER NOW?" is not an ok way to speak to anyone, but she is abusive and you are whistling in the wind if you think you're ever going to get decent treatment for her. Stop wasting your effort.

Surely at 15 she's old enough now to get a say in where she lives? Can't you get her now?

(((OP)))

But it isn't a surprise that your mother would speak to you like that is it?

As you describe her, she's a bad person, so why be surprised that she would be unkind to you?

Why be surprised that she would be rude to you?

Why make such an attention seeking drama out of it on this thread?

Mother is bad person = have no expectations about her and avoid her

If you need to contact your daughter WhatsApp her or send a message on Messenger and tell her about the gift situation

Jobs a goodun

No need for all this dramatic palaver

Did you not write 'NOT TO BE OPENED UNTIL CHRISTMAS' on the parcels?

That's what I do if there's likely to be any doubt. Saves a lot of to and fro-ing and drama.

I appreciate the issues you've had with your mum but unless I've misunderstood,

You've sent some xmas parcels, one is mother's own pressie so you emailed her to say, "that's your pressie don't open it until xmas", but she didn't reply so you rang your DD in the hope of speaking to your mother. Then you heard the "ffs" stuff.
.
Why didn't you just say, " dd tell granny that the pressie with 'her' name in is xmas pressie so open on xmas' ?
Then have a nice chat with Dd.

You know what your mother is like so why were you offended/surprised at the remark?
This all seems be quite a drama over something that was quite simple really.

You know what your mother is like so why were you offended/surprised at the remark?

Yes, exactly.

OP, you say your mother abused you throughout your childhood, drove you to attempt suicide, convinced social services that she is a fit mother to take your DD and is now abusing your DD.

A throwaway comment about you being annoying seems completely irrelevant given all of this - if what you say about your mother is true, why on Earth would you expect a woman like that to behave decently?

Good luck to both you and your dd. I hope eventually everything works out for you.

So you have the godmother on your side.
What is the process of reopening the case with SS? What do you need to do to show them that you are in a place to have your dd back with you? Would godmother help? Would perhaps your brother help you now? Would dd speak truth about how she feels?

Dont give up- any effort you make will be a positive in your dd’s eyes.

There has to be a way to review and challenge current arrangement?

As things are, I've spoken to both an solicitor here and in my own country and the English authorities over here. It would not be a simple case legally speaking.

Dd is very involved in life and extracurricular activities in Ireland. She also has about a gazillion friends and her life is there now.
If given the choice, dd would not want to disappoint either Grandma dearest nor me, so would not give an answer on where she'd prefer to live.
Over the past decade, my mother has successfully also managed to entrench fear in my dd of me.

Right now, I'm not probably in a position to argue successfully for her to be here. I would be removing her from her support group (her wide circle of friends), to a new country, new school, new schedule, different education system (she's in GCSE year). I'm not working and live in a one bed council flat.

So I have to weigh up all of that. Also, neither solicitor in either country had ever dealt with a similar case, so neither of them knew what to do. I have tried to make contact with social services where dd is several times but they never respond.

It's a complicated mess. I stick my oar in constantly, just so dd and my mother know that I am watching. One foot moves slightly crooked and I will intervene.
The abuse is so subtle now , that dd doesn't even recognise it as abuse. Having lived through that and worse, I know the toll it takes on a child, but what can I do?
In another couple of years, dd can and will make her own decisions once she's out from under the dictatorship of my mother.
Until then, I try to keep alive and ensure that dd is safe.

My mother knows that I despise her. She despises me equally. But my mother is evil personified.

I know everyone on this thread wants me to say that I'm a shit parent or something. Maybe I am. Maybe I was. Maybe my illness was a danger to my child.

SS where dd is believe my mother to be doing a fabulous job.

On the point of maintenance, no, I don't pay any formal maintenance, as to do so would reduce the amount of money my mother gets from the government. It would also jeopardise university grants and such in the future, which I couldn't match.

So I send dd pocket money via a goHenry card. I buy her clothes/trainers when she needs them. This is hard as I'm not working at the moment. I've had my first haircut in 1 year last week as I literally couldn't afford one. I never go out, I never buy stuff for myself. Any spare money I have goes to dd (directly, or in clothes etc.).

I didn't want this thread to be about my entire situation. I just can't ever imagine a scenario where my dd phoned me and I said 'ffs, what does she fucking want now?'. I wanted to know whether I was bu to believe that I am not being unreasonable to be upset at how my mother talks about me in front of my dd and others..........

50% of you think it's acceptable. 50% don't. Of the 50% who don't, I'd hate to be your dd if you think that's acceptable.

I'm so sorry. I get you. My mother is the same. You are not being unreasonable in the slightest. Heartbreaking to hear how some others have responded to you too. I guess no-one truly understands unless they have been there.

I stick my oar in constantly, just so dd and my mother know that I am watching. One foot moves slightly crooked and I will intervene.

I'm sure that you feel that this is important for you to do

However it's no surprise, then, is it that your mother said

ffs, what does she fucking want now?'.

Try to be realistic. Try to be as rational as your daughter deserves

I'm so sorry, OP. You sound like you're doing level best.

As far as I know maintenance payments don't reduce benefits.

This post doesnt add up

I stick my oar in constantly, just so dd and my mother know that I am watching. One foot moves slightly crooked and I will intervene. If you can be this influential... Why not step in now, given that you keep saying how evil and abusive your DM is? What would it actually take for you to intervene?