If this was the response you heard in the background on the phone, how would you feel?

[Alrighteo]

Context: Relates to two family members.

Have been trying to get through to one family member unsuccessfully for about a week now (emails & whatsapp calls/messages). Nothing answered.

So I rang another family member, who I knew was in the company of the one I was trying to get through to. The second one who answered the phone said, 'she's busy now, she's cooking dinner' and I said 'it's literally 2 seconds to clarify something.

Second family member says to the elusive one 'Can you spare two seconds?'. First family member says 'FFS WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HER NOW?'.

For various reasons I can't eliminate contact with first family member. So what would you do, what would you think? My brother has recommended a book to me (though he has a different experience/relationship with first family member).

How do I deal with someone who is an utterly manipulative, bullying cunt and maintain my sanity?

As an analogy, think ex husband, and you're ringing about an issue with the children, you get through to his sister and that's what you hear in the background...........

Does it really matter so much if an adult opens a gift before Christmas Day?

Why do you need to control it?

It was trivial and you pushed too hard. There is obviously backstory and it may be that that has made you feel the need to get everything confirmed but you seem to have lost good judgment on what to pursue and what to let go.

How old is your DD? Can you deal directly with her instead of going through your mum?

Nope, don't think I've posted about my family before. Possible, but not that I recall.

It really doesn’t make sense does it?

Cynical me says this is a manufactured reason to insert the OP into the mother’s life.

Non-cynical me says there’s a bigger backstory here.

I'm assuming you havent said an awful lot because it sounds like you're making this too hard.

Send parcels to where your daughter is with her name on. Message daughter that there are Christmas presents coming and not to open them.

Job done.

Ok then. I get it. IABU. Fine. Thanks for the input.
I pity your children if that's how you talk about them when they're trying to get through to you.

Why won't you tell us how old your daughter is? Is it because she's an adult and you really didn't need to do all that chasing up with your mother.

Why does your daughter live with your mother who you hate?

Why couldn't you get the packages gift wrapped.
I live abroad.
I will order presents from Amazon for family and have them sent to my Dad, for him to give out and I get his gift wrapped.

How old is your daughter and why is she living with your mother who you hate?

My Dsis lives abroad. Her birthday is also at Christmas. When I send to her, I assume she will either open the gift or save it as she sees fit, and it wouldn't occur to me to dictate otherwise to her. She's a grown woman.

How old is your DD and why does she live with your mum?

The daughter is old enough to answer the phone and old enough for the grandmother to feel ok dropping a couple of f-bombs. So I would presume old enough to recognize their written name on a package. Cynical me is winning this one.

Why won't you tell us how old your daughter is? Is it because she's an adult and you really didn't need to do all that chasing up with your mother.

I can't think of an age the dd could be where it would be OK to make her the go-between with two adults who don't get on over something trivial but not appropriate to send the stuff directly to her and just ask her to save it for Christmas.

You have also said on another thread that your daughter has chosen the items that she wants for Christmas so they are hardly suprises. There are clearly family dynamics going on that we can't possibly understand but it sounds like you might just need to take a stop back and don't try too hard especially if you don't feel it's appreciated.

Send any post direct to your dd. For Christmas presents, add on back of envelope: ‘don’t open until 25th’. No need to ever contact toxic mum. Done.

How old is DD? Did she chose to move in with her grandmother?

That's half the problem. DD has 'ordered' some stuff, but she will also be getting two extra presents which she's not aware of. I've also sent her something addressed to her directly which is not for Christmas and which she can open upon receipt. The other thing was the present for the 'see you next tuesday' which I felt obligated to send to maintain the appearance of good relations for my dd's sake. She IS also my mother and you only get one unfortunately.
But I think I'll take your advice and never contact my mother again. Though woe betide me if I don't answer the phone to her!

The other side of it is, I could also hear my uncle in the background - so she was disrespecting me in front of both my dd and my uncle (her brother).

FFS, I live in a different country, I can't just pop in, communication has to be online or over the phone.

For the nosey buggers among you, the reason my dd lives with my mother is because I attempted suicide on numerous occasions. My mother refuses to communicate anything to me about my dd. It's an utterly impossible situation which I am trying desperately to 'pretend' is normal and that my mother is normal, but as I said, she sets back my mental health by about 10 steps any time I have any interaction with her.

As one poster above put it succinctly ' she obviously doesn't like you or want to have contact with you'. Point taken.

Jeez chill OP, why bother asking on aibu if you're not prepared to hear you might be in the wrong?

Would love to hear the mother's side of the story she might tell us why her granddaughter lives with her but then I have a relative who used to send parcels to me to hang about for, store and distribute (and at one pount cheekily asked if I'd wrap them too ) without forewarning or a thank you.

@Alrighteo
I get it, I understand, mine is similar. People that have good relationships with their mothers cannot and will not understand the painful reality of having a mother who doesn't give a fuck.
My adult son has a good relationship with her, he doesn't know the backstory and never will. He knows that we don't speak and sort of understands why.
It's so very complicated to try and condense years of emotional abuse into a few lines.
I now know that I cannot change her behaviour, all I can do is change my reaction to it, I haven't spoken or had contact for about 5 years, she's 87 so it's unlikely that I'll ever see her again. I've done my grieving for the relationship I've never had with her.
All I can suggest is that you step back, remove yourself from her toxic environment.
I wish you well

Dd is 15.

Okayy just go nc or lc.

You sound like hard work. Your mum may be abusive but she wasn't particularly so in this instance.

If I read your posts correctly then she's providing a home for your DD. She's facilitating delivery of your Christmas presents to save you money and you're harassing her because she didn't respond to your email quickly enough. It's also not an email that particularly needed a response.

You're blowing this all out of proportion. It sounds as though you need more than a book. Counselling to deal with your issues with your mother would probably be better.

Get the recommended book.

Smash her in the face with it.

I think you need to cut your mother some slack.