If this was the response you heard in the background on the phone, how would you feel?

[Alrighteo]

Context: Relates to two family members.

Have been trying to get through to one family member unsuccessfully for about a week now (emails & whatsapp calls/messages). Nothing answered.

So I rang another family member, who I knew was in the company of the one I was trying to get through to. The second one who answered the phone said, 'she's busy now, she's cooking dinner' and I said 'it's literally 2 seconds to clarify something.

Second family member says to the elusive one 'Can you spare two seconds?'. First family member says 'FFS WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HER NOW?'.

For various reasons I can't eliminate contact with first family member. So what would you do, what would you think? My brother has recommended a book to me (though he has a different experience/relationship with first family member).

How do I deal with someone who is an utterly manipulative, bullying cunt and maintain my sanity?

As an analogy, think ex husband, and you're ringing about an issue with the children, you get through to his sister and that's what you hear in the background...........

I think the e-mail was enough. It would not be the end of the world if she had opened the wrong present so it seems to have turned into a drama over nothing. Tbh if someone spoke to me like that I would be removing them from the future christmas present list.

Can you send the presents directly to the other relatives in future?

You didn’t need to keep emailing and texting over something so trivial- she only needed to be told once

If your dd lives with your mum there is obviously some serious history here

I'm confused. If your daughter lives in the same house, why did you have to even involve your mum???????

Why can't your daughter answer your questions?

That sounds really upsetting and I would back away and limit contact.
There must be a big backstory.
What was the book recommended. Is your DM narcissistic?

*Posted too soon before. Is this your usual dynamic with them? If she's as mean as you say, sometimes in unhealthy releationships asking for what you want/need (you sound like you want acknowledging & more interaction) , will actually make the toxic person distance themselves more & take pleasure in your upset .

How old is your daughter? Why is she living with someone who you believe to be abusive?

That was my question too...can’t you just address things to the people they are intended for? This seems way too complicated and would annoy me too.

All she needed to do was to reply and say, ok, no problem.
But she never replied so I had no idea whether she had seen the email or not.
It was a 10 second issue to discuss, cooking dinner or not. I sent the email over a week ago and she never even acknowledged receipt.

Surely, if the presents are addressed to your DD, your mum doesn't have to 'give them to her', can' t she just open them herself? Unless she's very small, which it doesn't sound like she is..

I'd let it go. Let them sort themselves out, but send a Christmas card that enumerates the presents you've sent to your DD (ie 'I hope you enjoy the three things I sent') in case your DM tries to appropriate them.

It does sound as though you made a lot of contact about something that didn't necessarily need a response.

I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your mother (I'm guessing a bad one) but unsure why your dd is living with her.

To be honest I could imagine any one of my family saying something like that if we kept ringing about trivial things, but it wouldn't be malicious.

There's obviously a huge backstory I'm sorry you have a poor relationship with your mother.

It sounds as though you are the problem here OP.

You've posted about your family before, haven't you?

Always presenting the problem as being with anyone but you.

Yes, it definitely sounds like you need to avoid any contact with your mother. It can’t be good for your daughter to have to feel like she’s in the middle. You say you have a lot of family that might be on here - is there no one else you could mail these packages to that lives locally to your DD and mother, to maybe avoid this happening for all future birthdays and holidays?

I’m not sure how old your DD is, but it sounds like your relationship with your mother has devolved to the point that all communications about your DD should either go through DD, if she’s old enough, or through a third party or the courts, if she’s not.

If your mother is using such language about you and you’re calling her an abusive bitch and saying she wrecks your mental health, I think you’re way beyond a book helping.

The book my bro recommended was 'Can't hurt me' by David Goggins (would need to check messages to get full title). But he said it helped him dealing with her.

I'm joining the library tomorrow and will order it as it's probably not in stock.

So, I take it IABU and should never contact the woman again. Unfortunately, I have to. Believe me, there is nothing I would love more than to eliminate her from my life. But........ she is supposedly my mother.

I dont think you need to send them presents, you are annoying them. Leave them alone and move on.

I couldn't tell my dd as they are her Christmas presents from me.

Is your daughter a child?

I think you should limit your contact. If you have a volatile relationship with your mother then something quite trivial like this could have been left. Only contact her about serious important stuff.

Why couldn’t you tell your daughter ? Telling her would not reveal the contents.

I think I've stepped into the twilight zone.

Unless your daughter is 3 why can't she just sort the parcel? Surely you don't need your mother to do anything except take in the parcel unless you're sending hundreds

I don't understand why if she's so horrific you are buying her gifts or letting your daughter live there. Too many unanswered questions, how old is dd, why are you abroad and she's there? What book?

I'll take your advice and never contact the woman again. I guess my Dad could take receipt of the presents, but they're separated and don't speak, so that would be an extra layer of shit for dd, with Grandpa delivering Mum's presents on Christmas day.

Why would you ever agree to someone so abusive loving with your dd? And if she is an adult now, surely she cant be that abusive if she herself has chosen to live with her. Surely if your daughter is an adult you can just deal with her regarding her own presents.

How. Old. Is. Your. Daughter?

She's a mid teen who I highly doubt believes in the big guy.
You could have left it at one message and if dm opened it then that's on her.
You could have told dd to pass on the message since you don't get on but we're determined to speak to her, I presume to belabour the point about being ignored.