If this was the response you heard in the background on the phone, how would you feel?

[Alrighteo]

Context: Relates to two family members.

Have been trying to get through to one family member unsuccessfully for about a week now (emails & whatsapp calls/messages). Nothing answered.

So I rang another family member, who I knew was in the company of the one I was trying to get through to. The second one who answered the phone said, 'she's busy now, she's cooking dinner' and I said 'it's literally 2 seconds to clarify something.

Second family member says to the elusive one 'Can you spare two seconds?'. First family member says 'FFS WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HER NOW?'.

For various reasons I can't eliminate contact with first family member. So what would you do, what would you think? My brother has recommended a book to me (though he has a different experience/relationship with first family member).

How do I deal with someone who is an utterly manipulative, bullying cunt and maintain my sanity?

As an analogy, think ex husband, and you're ringing about an issue with the children, you get through to his sister and that's what you hear in the background...........

Given your DD is in the care of someone who is abusing her, is there no-one else who can take her in? You have other relatives? It must be terrifying for you to know she's in this situation.

I have to question how bad a mother she really was if you have allowed her to raise your daughter. You don't even live in the same country as your daughter. Do you pay maintenance? Support your mother? It can''t be easy raising a teenager whose mother won't even find a way to live in the same country as her, I would imagine she feels very abandoned.

Perhaps all this faff over a few gifts when you have neglected the things that really matter is pissing her off? I know I would be annoyed if my husband for instance fucked off to another country, left me raising our kids and expected me to faff around with presents which at the end of the day mean fuck all compared to actually being there for his child.

Don't ask for sympathy.

Allrighteo, your mother sounds absolutely horrendous. Vile.
The only reason you for now cannot completely shut her out is your DD. I’d focus on getting better so that DD can live with you.
And once that happens i’d send Mother Theresa a parcel with a dog shit in it and never contact her again.

OP you are VERY unpleasant in your replies to posters.
you asked what people thought, they told you. "FFS what now" is a very natural reaction when people piss you off, even the child you love when you are just sitting down on the loo you desperately need and they scream your name

How do I deal with someone who is an utterly manipulative, bullying cunt and maintain my sanity?
well, you just don't... you try to avoid them. Just follow their lead, sounds it's exactly what your relative is doing with you.

What I don't understand is why you're allowing your dd to be brought up by someone who by your own admission is abusive and has damaged your mental health? That's the much bigger issue here surely? And why, in addition to that fact you are also in a different country to your dd. I just don't understand.

Poor you to be lumbered with a horrible mother like that.

If she is the mother you have described there is no way in a hot shit minute my daughter would be in her care OP - so what gives here? I am sorry to hear about your past and I realise life isn't just easy for you. The situation is at odds here between what you are saying about a parcel, the mother you have described, your daughter's wellbeing and your life now. On the surface of what you have described I would let go of the small things i.e. the parcel and the comment and know that no matter what, your daughter only has one mother and show her the best you can be. If the relationship with your mother is fixable or not, so be it. But focus on your girl and let her know whenever you can that she is loved.

I'm wondering if all the nasty vindictive cruel people that have commented on this thread feel great because they've given somebody a good verbal bashing. On an anonymous forum.
Are you congratulating yourselves because " you said it like it is"
I've heard this place described as a nest of vipers.
This has been like watching a group of drunken arseholes setting fire to a kitten or kicking a puppy.

OP

This may be way off the mark, but is there any way you could work with a solicitor to get your DD away from your mother, or would that only bring you more grief than you can cope with?

Could she live with your dad, for instance?

How about just marking packages 'Don't Open til Christmas' and let the chips fall where they may? Even if your mum acknowledged your email you have no guarantee that she would honour your wish.

I realise this isn't specifically about the package though, or when it's opened.

It's about you offering yourself up to your mother on a plate by trying to contact her, trying to give your DD and yourself the sense that you are dealing with a normal family doing Christmas the way a normal family does, trying to give her instructions not to open a gift until Christmas.

You say DD contacts you sometimes, and you are able to contact her, so I would work on developing the relationship with her and trying hard not to let your mum get under your skin. Stay well and strong for your DD's sake. A few more years and she will be emancipated.

I would read that book your brother recommended for you.

@Butterisbest

Are we reading different threads? All I’ve read are comments from people trying to understand the odd comments the OP has made.

Most people who have bad relationships with others don’t go out of their way to interact with them as the OP has in this situation. Quite frankly it’s weird that she has.

I still don't understand why you had to contact you mum to pass on something to your daughter. Could you not just text/email your daughter directly?

I'd also have assumed that if she hadn't read your email(s) then she would have seen your WhatsApp message(s) or seen the missed call(s).

I think hurt and angry people don’t always maintain expected cool and composure. This is anonymous forum and OP is obviously venting here too and talking the way is because she is upset and hurt (by her mother). That doesn’t bother me at all.

OP, focus on getting your daughter out of there, otherwise she’s at risk of having her mental health affected just like yours is. Stuff the parcels, who cares if they get opened or not. There’s bigger things at stake here.

OP, I can well imagine how if something had happened to me, my MIL would have done her best to destroy DH and have DS living with her. It would make her look great to the neighbours/extended family. I hope you'll be able to build a strong relationship with your DD.

Butterisbest
Maybe create your own forum where the automated reply to any question will be "oh no, poor you".
People having an opinion, that they have been asked for, doesn't make them a bully.

I bet most people think what would make THEM reply "FFS what is wrong now" if someone wants to talk with them. Maybe the one pestering them should take some responsibility?

I mean I would do what the rest of us do and suck up the cost of childcare rather than live with an abuser. That makes no sense! At all. So go to your mums country.pick up your dad and leave with her. Quite frankly a bizzarre choice

hahahha. Not at OP, but at MNers, for sure.

Another thread:

"AIBU to not drop my life & rush to the side of my daughter to hold a tissue box, she is heartbroken over being dumped by 6th boyfriend in last 8 yrs ? "

Yes you are a heartless vile selfish cow. Love is unconditional and you are an oxygen thief.

This Thread:

"AIBU to be upset my mother's attitude toward me after suicide attempts is FFS what does she want now? Mum is raising my daughter, so I can't go NC."

Yes you are probably a waste of space who deserves a terrible mother, or else you are a terrible mother to allow your DD to live with that woman. In short, you are a vile selfish cow & oxygen thief AND Love is definitely NOT unconditional where you are concerned.

Pfffffffffftttt.

Have only read the first couple of pages, but I think some of the answers have been quite harsh. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect an answer from your mother from texts or calls, and it should not have been a problem for her to speak to you for a few minutes or less.

If you were so badly abused, then why have you allowed your daughter to live with her?

theEnglishInPatient
Great that you feel good about your responses to a very distressed poster.
Good for you

lljkk
did you mean the thread where the mother told her own daughter who asked for help that she couldn't be arsed to come and see her because she had planned to go to a garden centre that day?
yes, totally the same....

Butterisbest

I am not "feeling good", I wouldn't care enough for that. You seem VERY invested on the other hand, it's not my fault if you don't agree with the replies, they sound very sensible to me.

@saltinesandcoffeecups
Oh yes, it's so easy and simple to stop interacting with the woman that gave birth to you. Just cut her off, job done. Turn your back, ignore her, block her. I wonder why all the children of abusive parents don't just do the same. Simples innit.