If this was the response you heard in the background on the phone, how would you feel?

[Alrighteo]

Context: Relates to two family members.

Have been trying to get through to one family member unsuccessfully for about a week now (emails & whatsapp calls/messages). Nothing answered.

So I rang another family member, who I knew was in the company of the one I was trying to get through to. The second one who answered the phone said, 'she's busy now, she's cooking dinner' and I said 'it's literally 2 seconds to clarify something.

Second family member says to the elusive one 'Can you spare two seconds?'. First family member says 'FFS WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HER NOW?'.

For various reasons I can't eliminate contact with first family member. So what would you do, what would you think? My brother has recommended a book to me (though he has a different experience/relationship with first family member).

How do I deal with someone who is an utterly manipulative, bullying cunt and maintain my sanity?

As an analogy, think ex husband, and you're ringing about an issue with the children, you get through to his sister and that's what you hear in the background...........

Nice @SchadenfreudePersonified, and who will look after the OPs 15 year old DD for her?

Ok...there seems to be a whole lot going on here...I’ll give advice on how to send things so that you don’t get hung up in this situation again.

Next time you are sending different things. Address them with instructions.

DD-open now
123 high street

DD-xmas
123 high street

DM-xmas
123 high street

This will work with hand addressed or online entered addresses

OP YANBU. Your mother sounds horrible. Sorry about the horrid responses you are getting here- totally out of order - of course it’s hurtful to hear your mother say something like that. At not at all unreasonable to want to communicate with your mother, especially when your DD lives with her. I don’t think AIBU is the place to come for support - maybe post in the relationships section?

Ah ye. Poor woman. Has it hard. She got one email explaining Christmas presents, hadn't the manners to respond or acknowledge receipt, and one attempt to speak to her where she goes 'FFS what the fuck is wrong with her now?'.

Ye I'll cut her some slack alright.

It's not nosey to ask why your dd lives with your mother, when you say your mother is nasty and abusive.

I'm genuinely sorry that you have such a difficult relationship with your mother and about your mental health problems. But remember, people on here can only go by what you tell them.

No maybe she's busy with childcare.

Ummm

Have been trying to get through to one family member unsuccessfully for about a week now (emails & whatsapp calls/messages). Nothing answered.

She got one email explaining Christmas presents

Why do you live in a different country? Can you move closer? Are you banned from having access or contact with your daughter? Did you willingly hand her over to your mother, or was she placed in her care? If your mother is as difficult as you and your brother seem to think, why does she have full custody and influence over your daughter? Has your daughter any other family, on her dad's side?

There is obviously a lot of history between you and your mum. But at 15 with her own mobile phone you should be able to contact your daughter directly and tell her not to open certain gifts.

Are you not going to see her over Christmas at all?

Childcare? Pmsl. Dd is her mini slave as was I.

Why are you allowing your Dd to live there then? Is it court ordered?

Thinking practically - can you not just send your DD her gifts and write "not to be opened until Christmas" on the packaging somewhere? That way you don't need to involve your mother at all.

However, looking to the future - why do you live in a country to DD? Is this something that can change in the future?

Difficult if your dd lives with your mum. But it’s ok to not like a abusive mother. It’s more common than you might think. Don’t chase her. She is probably enjoying winding you up and she possibly meant you to overhear her too

I am sorry, OP. It must be difficult for you.

I'd reduce contact/engagement with your mother down to bare minimum or entirely. Perhaps keep communication with your dd only, she's old enough for you to give instructions about the parcels to directly.

No advice but I feel for you OP, sounds like a really difficult situation for you.

Don't send your mother presents in future.

Send your DD presents in a bag or box. Wrap Xmas ones in Xmas paper so it's obvious with Xmas labels.

Other presents wrap in plain wrapping paper that neither indicates a special occasion with a label "DD for you to open on receipt".

People don't understand abusive relationships and the need to please if they've not experienced it. But your mum gets off on knowing you'll chase her and she can use your MH as a way to make it abnormal.

Contact your Dd directly. Don't ever mention your mum or ask after her. Talk about your dd life, what she's up to, her future pans. Tv music clothes etc or whatever she wants. Also let her know she can come and live with you anytime she decides. And if under care order that can be when it ends.

You are right hut that this is affecting your MH. But you may need to recognise she is the cause of the MH issues you suffered in the first place. Long term emotional abuse can have devastating effects.

Why is your daughter living with someone who is so abusive she's damaged your mental health?

Your DC lives with this person, and you’re posting about this example of her behaviour?

Live with your DC!

@SchadenfreudePersonified

Get the recommended book

Smash her in the face with it

Great response but probably not a good idea. Made me laugh tho.

It's the way they deal with things in that country. Cheaper to put a child into the care of a family member. My mother never thought I should have my dd (she told me to take a really hot bath and I'd abort when I told her I was pregnant almost 16 years ago). There's a thread running at the moment where the poster is pregnant and the mother has been crying for two weeks. My mother was like that. Ironically my mother voted against abortion in a recent referendum, despite recommending a home method for same.........

My mother is the cause of all my problems. I was severely abused as a child. However, she presents like Mother Teresa. Otherwise, her three offspring wouldn't live in three different countries.

She abused all of us as children and also abused my Dad. He finally left her for another woman about 25 years ago and is still with said woman.

My mother is the epitome of Narcissistic. I see it used on here all the time and just think to myself - if only you actually met a real one..

It's extremely difficult to explain the dynamics without disclosing a lot of personal information to nosey strangers who might not necessarily have my best interests in mind - though this thread might make for light entertainment for some.

It's my life though and I'm glad you all think it's acceptable to speak about your child that way. In front of others.

When dd rings, I'm first panicked in case something is wrong and then chuffed to hear from her (usually when she wants something lol).

I'll get through this, but the resounding 'advice' on here is that IABU and to not contact my mother again.

Thank fuck, dd is getting older and I won't have to rely on my mother in future. I can actually just completely cut her out of my life.. That's a revelation. Dd is just turned 15, but I need to accept the situation as it is and stop trying to make things appear to be what they're not. Less stressful all round.

As this is AIBU I expect you to continue to bitch about me and why my daughter lives with an abusive woman, but honestly, I'll let you off to do that one alone. Knock yourselves out.

Does your DD like your mum?

This isn’t about Deliveries, it’s about your relationship with your daughter and your mum.

Tbh your communication style on this thread has been quite challenging, so maybe your need to work on how you communicate with your daughter.

If you are so concerned about your mothers parenting style, why is your there? I get you could take care of her, but where there no alternatives?

It's not you OP. This is just MN twisting themselves every which way to be able to have a go at the OP.

Normal, loving families reply to emails and wouldn't make a vicious comment like that in order to make you feel awful and perform for the their little audience.

I don't claim to understand the situation you've got going on there but one thing I know is that toxic parents often love getting their hands on their grandchildren. Not sure why, second chance maybe but I think mostly it's because it gives them the opportunity to stick it to their child who they screwed up in childhood and then resented for turning out to be fragile adults.

Can you get your dd back?