If this was the response you heard in the background on the phone, how would you feel?

[Alrighteo]

Context: Relates to two family members.

Have been trying to get through to one family member unsuccessfully for about a week now (emails & whatsapp calls/messages). Nothing answered.

So I rang another family member, who I knew was in the company of the one I was trying to get through to. The second one who answered the phone said, 'she's busy now, she's cooking dinner' and I said 'it's literally 2 seconds to clarify something.

Second family member says to the elusive one 'Can you spare two seconds?'. First family member says 'FFS WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HER NOW?'.

For various reasons I can't eliminate contact with first family member. So what would you do, what would you think? My brother has recommended a book to me (though he has a different experience/relationship with first family member).

How do I deal with someone who is an utterly manipulative, bullying cunt and maintain my sanity?

As an analogy, think ex husband, and you're ringing about an issue with the children, you get through to his sister and that's what you hear in the background...........

I mean it’s obvious that they don’t want to speak to you. You call them elusive but in reality they’re simply just ignoring you and purposely avoid contact with you.

I would love no contact - but she has my daughter - so she needs to respond to simple emails.

The last time I spoke to the woman was about 10 days ago. She doesn't answer Whatsapp messages/calls, doesn't answer emails. What am I supposed to do? Get a megaphone and shout across the sea at her?

You left a 5 year old with a woman you beat you, which wasn’t court ordered. I struggle to believe that to be honest.

If your daughter is 15, aren’t you best dealing directly with her? She could easily provide the address details you need.

Purpledaisies - I know it's late - but where did I mention address details?

My dd is terrified of my mother too. It's really impossible to describe. But they have the endorsement of Social Services.............

But she didn’t need to confirm receipt at all. I never confirm I’ve seen an email unless a client has asked me to do so. Yes the way she spoke about you was horrible but it does sound like harassment over something trivial.
Next time send them to your dad to deliver for you.

I know your own situation was very hard, but it’s sad that you left your daughter with her if you know your daughter is terrified of her.

ignore the nasty responses on here OP I know where you're coming from. (Some, not all) people who don't know what it's like to have an abusive parent will never understand. And there are always those people who just love to kick a person when they are down. There are plenty of us who sympathise, hold on to that and ignore the insensitive fucks

I had no choice.

I meant you can clear up how the parcel addressed to your daughter is only to be opened at Christmas.

Sorry you’re in such a tough situation and sorry to hear your mental health is up and down . It’s hard dealing with depression etc , I get that. Maybe back off for a bit because it sounds exhausting for both parties . You sent the gifts , if they’d been opened too early then that’s ok they would’ve realised I’m sure seeing as Christmas in a month away. Try and switch off , and don’t come to MN for advise if you can’t take people asking you lots of questions . Take care and ATB xx

I remain horrified that this woman has custody of your child. You have just said she is violent,

Please get you dad or your daughters dad to check in on her.

Please visit as soon as you can.

While I really sympathise with how difficult your life as been with your awful mother, you have to focus on the emotional and physical wellbeing of your child.

Forget about the presents.

so she needs to respond to simple emails.

No, a trivial email about Christmas presents does not require a response.

She doesn't answer Whatsapp messages/calls, doesn't answer emails. What am I supposed to do?

Nothing. This isn’t important, especially given the extremely concerning circumstances surrounding your daughter.

Apologies, as there have been quite a few of you, including Arfarf right at the end there who have sent me lovely supportive and kind messages. They have not gone unnoticed and are much appreciated. I'm just too tired to go back through the thread and try to @ each one of you - but I think you know who you are. Your input has been very much appreciated and means more than you might think.
Thank God I'm in quite a resilient place at the moment. I am receiving therapy. I'm also in a support group which is invaluable as our stories are so so similar.

So I do have real life support, I was just wondering what a dd would think if they overheard their mother saying what mine said about me...

I was just wondering what a dd would think if they overheard their mother saying what mine said about me...

If I had been harassing her over nothing, I’d think it was justified.

Honestly? I think your mum sounds like a total cunt and you deserve better.

Limit contact and then as soon as you're able to, when she's older or whatever, go get your DD back.

You had a choice. You chose not to fight for your dd though the courts. You (were) and are clearly in a bad place mental health wise, so you probably felt you couldn't take on the fight. However you did choose to leave her in a different country. Why did you not take your dd with you?

I'm surprised that in 10 years you have taken no action towards trying to get your daughter back. I bet your daughter has a range of mental health issues already from rejection and abandonment to living with abuse.

I'm sorry for your life OP however you need to fight for your dd.

My mother refuses to communicate anything to me about my dd. It's an utterly impossible situation which I am trying desperately to 'pretend' is normal and that my mother is normal, but as I said, she sets back my mental health by about 10 steps any time I have any interaction with her.

In the kindest possible way, from what you’ve said on this thread you may need some help. I hope you get it.

You have to ignore the nasty responses - some are a blatant wind up. Anyone can join MN, I'm sure some people post just to see how much stirring they can do.

Honestly? I think your mum sounds like a total cunt and you deserve better.

So does the innocent 15 year old child.

I'm sorry but I can't understand how you could leave your daughter with someone so awful. You say you know your dd is scared of your mum but you are doing nothing about it. Surely you'd move heaven and earth to get your dd out of that situation!

You've clearly had an awful upbringing with your mum but that makes it even worse that you'd leave your dd to suffer the same fate.

@Alrighteo I could be wrong but I think you might have posted about DD before. She was doing really well at school and you wanted to share that?
I'm sorry you have a toxic relationship with your mother. I was NC with mine for 15 years and only reconciled when she was dying.
Sending hugs and ignore the nasty trolls xx

Your poor daughter.