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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

They didn’t tell us

193 replies

angrymumof6 · 22/11/2019 12:27

I found out last week that sil is pregnant with baby no6. This is good news. This morning my dp found out that she had her baby last night. Everyone else in the family already knew except us.
We both feel really hurt by this and we are wondering what we have done to upset them?
We thought we had a decent relationship if not a very close one. We always make the effort to visit them a few times a year but they never come here, saying we don’t have a garden and it’s too much with 11 kids in total. So we haven’t been this year. And they obviously haven’t come to visit us either. For context my dp is not British and comes from a culture where the younger ones visit the older ones(dp is the oldest).
Aibu to feel upset for both of us or should I just suck it up and suggest we go to see them and the new baby?

OP posts:
BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 22/11/2019 12:31

That’s very weird. Did they think you knew? How had his mum never even mentioned it in passing? Surely the sort of thing it’s harder to keep secret.

moccaicecream · 22/11/2019 12:35

This morning my dp found out that she had her baby last night.

so the baby was only a few hours old when you found out. You sound ridiculous , sorry.

Original poster
angrymumof6 · 22/11/2019 12:36

No they knew we didn’t know and his parents never mentioned it at all. We think he told them not to say anything to us

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 22/11/2019 12:39

You lost me at 11 kids Shock
How has this not come up with his family at all in the last 9 months???
Seems very odd indeed.
So you haven't been to visit them at all this year?
Is there a reason for that?
I wouldn't want them to visit me with 11 kids.
Do you have the room for them all?
If not then it's probably only right you visit them.
I have a puppy and all my friends come to me at the moment because it's easier for me.
With 11 kids you need to help make their lives easier.
So go and visit!

GrumpyHoonMain · 22/11/2019 12:41

Could the child have health issues? In some cultures it’s not the done thing to talk about disability etc

Halleli · 22/11/2019 12:42

Don’t you think it’s just that by baby number 6, the novelty of ‘announcing it’ has worn off?

OneDay10 · 22/11/2019 12:42

They never visit yourll.

They deliberately didnt tell yourll about the baby.

there is definitely an issue. when was the Last you spoke to sil.

Butchyrestingface · 22/11/2019 12:42

How are there 11 kids in tow? Didn’t you say this was her 6th?

BarrenFieldofFucks · 22/11/2019 12:44

Assuming the OP has 4 or 5 kids too, so 11 in total.

So you haven't seen her in 8/9 months?

Clutterbugsmum · 22/11/2019 12:45

For context my dp is not British and comes from a culture where the younger ones visit the older ones(dp is the oldest).

Well perhaps they want to forget this out dated practice. And maybe because they have young children they don't to spend hours in the car.

And if you had a better relationship then maybe you would found out sooner.

DogAndCatPerson · 22/11/2019 12:48

The OP is called ‘angrymumof6’ so I think it’s safe to assume she has 6 kids herself. The 11 refers to her 6 + the SIL’s 5 (not including the new 24hr old baby).

Wonkybanana · 22/11/2019 12:49

How are there 11 kids in tow?

OP says there would be 11 kids in total. So presumably the OP also has several children (6? and the SIL's 5 before the newborn?)

You honestly don't sound close. If you'd seen them in the last few months the pregnancy would have been obvious. Whether that's down to them or you I don't know. Can your DH talk to the family and find out if there's a problem in your relationship with them that you're not aware of?

hellsbellsmelons · 22/11/2019 12:50

@BarrenFieldofFucks - well that makes more sense.
But then the OP has 5 kids and no garden.
You'd go insane in that situation surely???

diddl · 22/11/2019 12:51

You've each got 6 kids-how do either of you all fit in each others houses?

LifeSpectator · 22/11/2019 12:51

You say you 'always' make the effort to go visit them, but you didn't. Not this year and its November, while you dont have to visit people to be close , it really doesnt sound like you are at all, you know why they dont come to you, so you know they are not goijg to come stay. how far are they away, and how far are you from other family? I suspect but can't know , they decided not to get others to tell you, till you made some effort yourselves to talk to them over the last nine months. if i am wrong and you have actually talked to them in the last few months, then ask why you were not told, do they feel there would be some negative comment on having another baby?

Aside from this maybe it was just a bad year for you both, hard to be pregnant and looking after at least 5 other kids, ( im assuming 11 is joint total) so just put this aside you have a wonderful gift a new nephew or neice , go visit and reconnect.

ign0re · 22/11/2019 12:59

you only found out last week they were expecting so you're not that close? to not know for 9 months that they were pregnant? someone who didn't know about my pregnancy until the end... I'd definitely not expect to be amongst the first to know about a birth

Contraceptionismyfriend · 22/11/2019 13:01

The baby has literally just been born!
Maybe they notified Parents and then were so tired they thought let's do the rest later!

A baby doesn't expire.

And to be honest I've got 3 I wouldn't want to travel for hours to sit in a house with masses of kids with no garden.

Have you suggested meeting half way in a child friendly place.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 22/11/2019 13:06

Good god did no one learn about contraception in that family? Shock

Is the baby early? Maybe there are greater worries than informing everyone at the moment.

Autumntoowet · 22/11/2019 13:09

Ridiculous
Baby born last night and you found out this morning
I don’t get the urgency. People needing to find out about labour and babies straight away.
Ridiculous and selfish I am sorry.
When I gave birth I took my sweet time to cuddle my baby, try to feed them and digest what had happened during labour.

I can’t see myself being so selfish as to demand to know within hours

theEnglishInPatient · 22/11/2019 13:09

How rude GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat
you should be embarrassed to make such a stupid comment.

theEnglishInPatient · 22/11/2019 13:10

Don't people read the thread?!?

First line I found out last week that sil is pregnant with baby no6.
and then that the baby was born LAST NIGHT!

doesn't it strike all the judgmental posters as a bit odd?

It's not the lack of live facetime birth the issue here!

FrogsAreMean · 22/11/2019 13:12

@GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat

"Good god did no one learn about contraception in that family?"

How fucking rude are you!

Original poster
angrymumof6 · 22/11/2019 13:12

Thank you for the comments. I have 6 kids and they had 5 hence the 11 kids. In terms of space for visiting we have a 4 bed maisonette without garden but a park 1 min away they have a 3 bed house with garden but it’s small. The only reason why we haven’t visited this year is dp was annoyed that his brother never wants to make the effort to come here or spend the petrol money( only 2 hours away). I often WhatsApp both of my sil but nothing was mentioned. And have seen the other sil quite often as she is not so far. We both have kids of similar ages so the travelling with babies and toddlers would effect both families.

OP posts:
Original poster
angrymumof6 · 22/11/2019 13:14

We honestly didn’t want to be informed the minute she had the baby. The aibu is coming from not finding out she was pregnant till last week

OP posts:
wineisnecessary · 22/11/2019 13:15

Yeah you lost me with this one , they have 6 kids I'm sure they have lots to think about and usually don't they ask a family member to pass on the news ? You can't be expected to ring every member of the family especially after a few hours . Let it go !