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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

They didn’t tell us

193 replies

angrymumof6 · 22/11/2019 12:27

I found out last week that sil is pregnant with baby no6. This is good news. This morning my dp found out that she had her baby last night. Everyone else in the family already knew except us.
We both feel really hurt by this and we are wondering what we have done to upset them?
We thought we had a decent relationship if not a very close one. We always make the effort to visit them a few times a year but they never come here, saying we don’t have a garden and it’s too much with 11 kids in total. So we haven’t been this year. And they obviously haven’t come to visit us either. For context my dp is not British and comes from a culture where the younger ones visit the older ones(dp is the oldest).
Aibu to feel upset for both of us or should I just suck it up and suggest we go to see them and the new baby?

OP posts:
Emmak789 · 23/11/2019 19:37

I would be hurt too, I mean everyone knew execpt you so that says something but with 11 kids in total maybe it slipped their mind?

Thing is with family, especially births, deaths and illness, sometimes you have to set aside the issues at least for a short while. You can ask SIL later why she didn't tell you but for now just say congratulations. In fact better still would be to get DP to ask.

pemberlyshades · 23/11/2019 19:54

@Andysbestadventure it's not bizarre it's a fab insight into other cultural norms!

middlemuddle · 23/11/2019 19:55

YANBU OP. The people on this thread commenting on how many children people should have are though, fucking hell.

pemberlyshades · 23/11/2019 19:56

Totally agree @middlemuddle

Havaina · 23/11/2019 20:02

@QuietCrotchgoblins

This is weird. Have you got some sort of unspoken competitive baby making thing between you?

Some of these comments are bordering on offensive.

QuietCrotchgoblins · 23/11/2019 20:32

@havaina it wasn't meant offensively. I know families where siblings seem to have a real issue with who is having the latest baby and when. I don't understand it as an outsider to those families.

Also not on a comment on.the size if the family. Each to their own.

Original poster
angrymumof6 · 23/11/2019 21:04

@Drabarni I don’t speak the same language as mil so our relationship is limited and they don’t live in this country. The other sil I have seen quite of a bit of recently but would now be unlikely to ask her why

@MummyMayo1988 we didn’t have a problem finding out when baby was born it was more to do with we only found out she was pregnant last week. I’m sorry that your sis treated you this way it’s never easy

@HappyBumbleBee thank you for the kind words. I’ll definitely arrange to see baby soon and will ask sil in a nice way what’s happened and will go from there.

OP posts:
Original poster
angrymumof6 · 23/11/2019 21:09

@middlemuddle I get lots of comments on the size of my family, some rude some not so I’ve learnt to just ignore it

OP posts:
Original poster
angrymumof6 · 23/11/2019 21:13

@Instatwat if I was your family I wouldn’t be upset with you for not saying anything. I’m so sorry for your loss and I wish you all the luck for your upcoming baby. We only felt upset as we were literally the only ones that didn’t know.

OP posts:
Rosehip345 · 23/11/2019 21:19

Nah it’s baby no6 they probably didn’t even remember to mention it and you’re obviously not close if you’ve not seen them for the duration of an entire pregnancy.
I’m six months pregnant and hadn’t told any of my brothers. Just hadn’t really thought about it and had assumed my mum had told them as she sees them. I’ve only told a select few friends that I actually see and our parents, still not told work.

Mamalexi343 · 23/11/2019 21:22

Please don't be this person, my sister had an epic meltdown because I didn't call her after I had given birth, we told parents as it was a c section and then everyone else found out through Facebook, she's taken it personally and has not even acknowledged my DS and is ignoring my DD, my DM did tell her but apparently that wasn't enough. She lives halfway around the world so calling her wasn't possible at the time (I'd just given birth FFS)

We didn't tell anyone I was pregnant for a long while because I'd suffered 4 miscarriages before my DS, you don't know their reasonings, ask them before getting your back up.

Original poster
angrymumof6 · 23/11/2019 21:40

@mamalexi343 it was nothing to do with when we found out sil had given birth, it was to do with only finding out she was pregnant last week.

OP posts:
Havaina · 23/11/2019 21:43

Please don't be this person, my sister had an epic meltdown because I didn't call her after I had given birth, we told parents as it was a c section and then everyone else found out through Facebook, she's taken it personally and has not even acknowledged my DS and is ignoring my DD, my DM did tell her but apparently that wasn't enough. She lives halfway around the world so calling her wasn't possible at the time (I'd just given birth FFS)

Why didn’t you text or WhatsApp her before putting it on FB?

Mamalexi343 · 23/11/2019 21:49

I get that and it can hurt, we didn't tell anyone until I was 30 weeks because for us we felt if we told anyone we would lose this one too, it wasn't about telling people or not telling it was for us to get through a very scary but joyful time. for all you know there could have been something going on, there could have been miscommunication or you're right and they could have done it deliberately. My point is just ask, like others have said maybe not right away but just ask them.

I am sorry you're going through this, it does suck to feel like you're not in the loop and I do hope it was nothing more than miscommunication.

Mamalexi343 · 23/11/2019 21:58

@43Havaina because I'd just had a baby and wasn't thinking about individual people, I should have added that she's always been a very self centered, selfish person who thinks the world revolves around her and stated that she should have been one of the first people to know even though I'd tried to contact her once we'd told people and she ignored every single attempt. That's why.

alexafindfilms · 23/11/2019 22:01

@Jeans123 I think you should go for No 7 but don't tell them! Grin Grin Grin this. i agree.

FelicisNox · 23/11/2019 22:08

I haven't read the whole thread but you've answered your own question: you DP and his brother have had a small disagreement and neither has made the effort this year so in a strop your BIL and SIL have decided to keep you in the dark.

YANBU, they wanted to hurt your feelings and they've achieved their goal so ignore the news or not. It's your call.

CustomerCervixDepartment · 23/11/2019 23:20

You all aren’t friends enough to have seen the woman in the months that she’s been noticeably pregnant with her sixth kid, so no big deal. No one bothered about the futures all of these kids will have with climate refugees, food and water shortages etc. due to human overpopulation? Just keep having more and more and more.

Sloeginclub · 23/11/2019 23:33

“ However in this day and age it is unusual and, I think, unnecessary to have 12 children between 2 siblings.”
"Did the OP ask for opinions on how many children she or her sil have? No? Then why are you chipping in?"

I thought exactly the same as this about the 12 children mentioned (and counting perhaps!) We ALL have to live on the one planet which we share so people having loads of kids IS relevant to everybody else IMO. Many of us have limited our number of children to try and be responsible so it hacks me off to see others who obviously don't give a damn about their impact. Its not like anybody can NOT know about climate change these days.

Greatblue0wl · 24/11/2019 00:03

By that number of children between you, it seems such a norm to be pregnant again. Really it’s not that Interesting to others. But obviously to you it is.

I’d struggle to remember all the names, it must be a sea of children with close birthdays.

Happysummer2020 · 24/11/2019 00:28

Wow. So many children between two sets of parents.

Catwaving · 24/11/2019 00:52

In all seriousness, why are you having so many children?

Shelby2010 · 24/11/2019 01:10

As there isn’t any back story I expect that they assumed you knew. I guess they thought PIL or SIL would have mentioned it. Maybe they were a bit hurt that you hadn’t asked how she was. It probably finally dawned on them last week that you didn’t know & then because the men are stuck in a sexist time warp the due date wasn’t discussed.

Send your congratulations & forget about the circumstances.

HoppingPavlova · 24/11/2019 08:14

Size of the place isn’t really important. Surely it’s about just being together?

Yeah, no. Not when that involves 11 kids and 8 adults in a small house with no garden.

user1480880826 · 24/11/2019 08:24

Bloody hell. You all have too many kids. No wonder nobody mentioned it. The other mum has probably just lost track of whether or not she’s pregnant.

You mention that you’re close but you haven’t seen each other this year so obviously not that close.

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