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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

They didn’t tell us

193 replies

angrymumof6 · 22/11/2019 12:27

I found out last week that sil is pregnant with baby no6. This is good news. This morning my dp found out that she had her baby last night. Everyone else in the family already knew except us.
We both feel really hurt by this and we are wondering what we have done to upset them?
We thought we had a decent relationship if not a very close one. We always make the effort to visit them a few times a year but they never come here, saying we don’t have a garden and it’s too much with 11 kids in total. So we haven’t been this year. And they obviously haven’t come to visit us either. For context my dp is not British and comes from a culture where the younger ones visit the older ones(dp is the oldest).
Aibu to feel upset for both of us or should I just suck it up and suggest we go to see them and the new baby?

OP posts:
MrsFoxPlus4Again · 23/11/2019 12:14

@angrymumof6 this year is nearly over so you certainly don’t always visit one and other. You’ve also said it’s a cultural thing and men wouldn’t talk about pregnancy to one another.

HoppingPavlova · 23/11/2019 12:21

My mind is still boggling about 11 kids together in a house for several hours. I think your SIL has her head screwed on correctly. Would be a nightmare and I’m not surprised she is keen to avoid this.

Mjlp · 23/11/2019 13:11

@Countryescape

No one needs six kids.

No one needs one child. People choose to have as many as they like. The OP & her sil/bil have 6. I have 5, 6 in a few months. My best friend has 6. My neighbour has 9. One Mum at my children's schools has 10. The Radford's have 21, 22 in a few months. It's hardly unheard of for people to have more than 1/2 children 😂

Original poster
angrymumof6 · 23/11/2019 13:50

@Mjlp thank you.
@HoppingPavlova sil loves the visits more than anyone. She would love if we came every 2weeks and stayed the weekend. This is not possible as dp works every weekend.
To all asking we are not in competition for the most babies.

OP posts:
GreenEyeBlueEye · 23/11/2019 14:23

We had this too Op, sister In law was pregnant everyone knew apart from us by the time we knew she was 7 months. We were pretty hurt nobody thought to tell us, we would have wanted to buy them a few things, congratulate them but they kept us out of the loop. I don’t really know why. But we don’t have much of a relationship now so I’m assuming we’ve done something wrong

Original poster
angrymumof6 · 23/11/2019 16:06

@GreenEyeBlueEye I’m sorry this happened to you too. We were told last week but everyone else in the family was told in may/June so I can only assume they all made a conscious decision not to talk about the pregnancy with us. I will send sil a msg in a few days congratulating her and see what happens after. If all is normal I’ll just carry on as before.

OP posts:
Andysbestadventure · 23/11/2019 16:11

This whole thread is fucking bizarre.

Apolloanddaphne · 23/11/2019 17:17

It seems odd you didn't know she was pregnant until she was almost full term.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 23/11/2019 17:35

Oh wow - by the time you’ve got to 11between you does it really matter? Meh!

nuxe1984 · 23/11/2019 17:53

I suspect that you are, consciously or subconsciously, giving off a vibe that you think 6 children is unacceptable. Especially as her DH has several of his own. And they've picked this up …

Also … I have a friend who has 6 children. Her DH was so ashamed that he never told anyone he worked with until the baby was actually born ...

Bareres · 23/11/2019 17:56

Is there some kind of competition over who has the most children? You had 6 and they didn't want you to get preggers with no.7 as you might do to win the competition if you knew that they were having no.6?!

Sorry for ridiculous theory but it's all I've got.

Jeans123 · 23/11/2019 18:07

I think you should go for No 7 but don't tell them!

GreenEyeBlueEye · 23/11/2019 18:09

@angrymumof6 everybody in our family knew too but nobody spoke about it around us, I think they purposely left us out, I have no idea why we have distanced ourselves from them now as it really hurt our feelings. Before we were pretty close but we don’t understand why they left us out! Good luck with it all. I hope you can get past it, and move on x

manicmij · 23/11/2019 18:17

By No 6 don't think anyone would be all that interested so didn't bother making a great big announcement is my guess. It's not a garden you need, it's a field with 11 kids to accommodate.

Aridane · 23/11/2019 18:26

Oh my - 11 children in one house with no garden and four adults - no wonder they haven't been visiting

Original poster
angrymumof6 · 23/11/2019 18:39

@nuxe1984 I have 6 kids and they now have 6. Definitely not giving off vibes that it’s too many kids
@Jeans123 think I’ll pass on having anymore Smile

OP posts:
ThatsMeInTheSpotlight · 23/11/2019 18:41

Last week, when your DH told you SIL was pregnant, did you text to congratulate her and ask when the baby was due? It's just surely if culturally, DH wouldn't ask then it would be expected that you would?

It may just be one of those announcements that slipped through the cracks eg maybe BIL said 'don't tell my brother, I want to tell him myself when I see him' but then no-one visited this year, and time went on, and it became more and more awkward.

Congratulations on being an aunty anyway! I'd message as normal and go to see the baby as soon as culturally appropriate Flowers

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 23/11/2019 18:42

If SiL reads this thread she is going to recognise herself whether you say which country and culture you're all from or not. Number of children between you, house sizes and types, when the baby was born, visiting patterns - how will she not recognise herself?

Original poster
angrymumof6 · 23/11/2019 18:43

@Aridane the last time they visited it was 10 kids and 8 adults. I was 2 weeks away from having no6 and still managed to cook for them all and single handed clean up by myself. Size of the place isn’t really important. Surely it’s about just being together?

OP posts:
Ayemama · 23/11/2019 19:00

This really is odd. YANBU I think your DH needs to ask why everyone else was told miles before you but not until after they are settled again.

pemberlyshades · 23/11/2019 19:03

I'm sure with all those children they have been quite busy, you don't sound that close and i would think they were relying on "the grapevine" to let you know about the pregnancy. Try not to take it personally x

Drabarni · 23/11/2019 19:08

Hello OP, I get exactly where you are coming from.
In my culture announcements come from the parents via telephone if not possible in person.
the happy couple visit family on one day and friends the next.
Birth are announced by the mother's mother for their side of the family and mil for the other side.
Then they all cook food and take round presents, only the women though.

If a cultural norm is broken like the visiting/ we have similar, then it is right to be miffed and think you've done something wrong.
What is mil like, or the other sil, will they be able to shed any light to it?

MummyMayo1988 · 23/11/2019 19:18

I found out my sister was pregnant and engaged via Facebook! I was devastated considering she was a bridesmaid at my wedding.
Less than a year later; I found out she had walked out on her DP (with the baby) again - via Facebook.
Weve always had a rocky relationship but she honestly didnt see any issue in just letting me find out.
We no longer speak and I havent seen her or my nefew for 5 years.

Let it go OP - the new baby was only a few hours old when you found out. Congratulate them and move on

X

HappyBumbleBee · 23/11/2019 19:21

I don't think yabu angrymumof6. Regardless of whether you've actually physically visited or seen each other in the last year, you've had contact with sil AND the rest of the family and for no one to have even mentioned it, it seems very odd and I am not surprised you're hurt.
Where you go from here, I really don't know....I 'think' if it were me I'd do the normal congrats, organise a visit etc - the usual when there's a new family baby - BUT equally, I would have to bring it up and ask if there was a particular reason you had been left out of the family loop so to speak.
I wouldn't do it in any kind of confrontational or argumentative way though - don't do anything to allow this to be turned back on you as the bad guys because from what you've told us, you haven't done anything wrong x

Instatwat · 23/11/2019 19:29

This thread worries me somewhat as I’m due my 3rd child in less than 5 weeks and we haven’t told most of our families. Only our parents know and we have asked them not to say anything to anyone. We had a late loss with our second and this time we just didn’t want to tell people. The first SILs/grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins will know is once we are home from hospital with a baby. Most of our friends don’t know either (we live in another country to most of them). You don’t know what’s going on behind the scenes - cut them some slack until you’ve spoken to them, perhaps.