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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

They didn’t tell us

193 replies

angrymumof6 · 22/11/2019 12:27

I found out last week that sil is pregnant with baby no6. This is good news. This morning my dp found out that she had her baby last night. Everyone else in the family already knew except us.
We both feel really hurt by this and we are wondering what we have done to upset them?
We thought we had a decent relationship if not a very close one. We always make the effort to visit them a few times a year but they never come here, saying we don’t have a garden and it’s too much with 11 kids in total. So we haven’t been this year. And they obviously haven’t come to visit us either. For context my dp is not British and comes from a culture where the younger ones visit the older ones(dp is the oldest).
Aibu to feel upset for both of us or should I just suck it up and suggest we go to see them and the new baby?

OP posts:
DisgruntledGuineaPig · 22/11/2019 14:00

That's very odd - if you have been in contact about other things and they didn't mention SIL was pregnant until the week before the baby was born, that's clearly them withholding that information.

When you said you found out she was pregnant, did she tell you or someone else in the family?

I would be polite, send card/gift and congratulatory messages. But be aware they have decided, for some reason they aren't sharing - to keep the pregnancy news from you when they were happy to tell other family members.

Original poster
angrymumof6 · 22/11/2019 14:00

@LovePoppy @LagunaBubbles it’s that. No one needs to know the moment you go into labour. It’s the whole texting all that time with nothing being said. Perhaps as we are the ones who do the visiting normally they are upset that we haven’t been this year?

OP posts:
Contraceptionismyfriend · 22/11/2019 14:03

Actually I do find that weird.
In my husbands situation there is no texting.
I'm assuming the messages were around what you were both up to etc so they never mentioned hospital appointments, pregnancy milestones due date preparations. They lied by omission.

Original poster
angrymumof6 · 22/11/2019 14:04

@DisgruntledGuineaPig it was bil who told dp about the pregnancy

OP posts:
BlouseAndSkirt · 22/11/2019 14:04

I think the brothers are playing games with each other in a stand off about who should visit who.

You haven't visited this year, the whole year...so....

It doesn't matter who started it, it doesn't matter who should or shouldn't visit...ok they haven't visited you, and you haven't done your share of visits either.

You know have a choice - send congratulations and then visit the new baby, and hope that things get better ....or play tit for tat and things will inevitably get worse.

Velveteenfruitbowl · 22/11/2019 14:07

Most people I am close to from abroad didn’t know I had a second baby until after he was born. I just didn’t think it was a sufficiently big deal to announce. What’s one more baby?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 22/11/2019 14:10

@angrymumof6 don't answer this if you don't want to, but I'm just wondering what culture your DP is from?

It just seems unusual to me that it's the 'norm' for the youngest to visit the eldest (and you've hinted that you think this rule should be adhered to) but that you have 6 children and aren't married.

Obviously your children may not be DP's which would explain but I'm just intrigued. Sorry if that's intrusive.

Havaina · 22/11/2019 14:10

I think the brothers are playing games with each other in a stand off about who should visit who.

Well it seems like SIL is taking part in too as she never mentioned the pregnancy is all her texts with OP.

Beeziekn33ze · 22/11/2019 14:14

BlouseAndSkirt - what you said!

Ginfordinner · 22/11/2019 14:19

In future why can't you both drive an hour, and meet half way. 12 children is a lot to accommodate in most homes.

How many grandchildren do your in laws have OP?

Ellisandra · 22/11/2019 14:21

There’s obviously been a falling out between your husband and his brother.

All things equal (e.g. no-one having more time or money than the other) it’s unfair that one does more visiting. I don’t think things are equal though:

  • you don’t have a garden. I very much doubt all 5 of their children are old enough to be sent to a park on their own, next door or not. I wouldn’t want to drive for 2 hours to have 5 kids cooped up in your house
  • if your husband has been obvious about expecting them to put more effort in than him because he’s older, that would make me think “fuck you”. I appreciate that actually it is your husband that has made more effort - but if I was his brother and on the receiving end of criticism of that which included a culturally driven deference to an older sibling, I’m be unimpressed. Times change.

It’s a shame they’ve fallen out, but I can imagine why. I’d be more upset if other family members had deliberately not mentioned it. But baby #12 between you - is it possible other family members thought you knew, and had nothing to say? My sister has 5 - we definitely spoke less about her 5th pregnancy than her 1st. None of the “it’s the size of a kiwi fruit!” stuff by then Grin.
Hard to imagine NOTHING being said though.

Original poster
angrymumof6 · 22/11/2019 14:21

@GiveHerHellFromUs we are married but I’ve just never called him my dh. Not sure why? They are from North Africa. I obviously don’t want to say specifically where in case sil is on mn. I’m personally not bothered about the whole who should visit who. We have always visited them. The drive is a pain with 6 but the joy on the kids faces is well worth it

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 22/11/2019 14:27

Ohhh ok, that makes sense Grin

Ellisandra · 22/11/2019 14:27

Re the closeness of the brothers...

BIL told his brother, your husband, last week about the pregnancy.

So why weren’t you posting last week “AIBU - they didn’t tell us she was 39 weeks pregnant!”

If the birth so soon after has come as a surprise, sounds like your husband didn’t even ask his brother about the due date, or how far along.

Although your BIL has made no effort to come to you (with a reason they feel is a good one, and I agree) the way you word it is that it’s your husband who is refusing to go to them. You’d be happy to.

So your husband won’t go to them, he has a chip on his shoulder about deference due to his age (maybe???), and he doesn’t bother to ask about the dates for this pregnancy.

It sounds like your BIL & SIL might just be fed up with him.

I do think it’s all a shame, but it doesn’t sound like it’s come from nowhere Sad

Original poster
angrymumof6 · 22/11/2019 14:28

@Ginfordinner they have 12 grandchildren so far. With 3 more dc to come Grin

OP posts:
WhyOhWine · 22/11/2019 14:48

Ok I have a theory about why they did not tell you earlier in the pregnancy. It almost certainly bears no relationship to reality but I am nevertheless going to try it out because I like it.

So you both clearly have lots of DC. Might it be the case that some of yours have been born very shortly after some of theirs? If so SIL and BIL may have convinced themselves you are deliberately stealing their thunder and therefore decided to keep this one secret so that their new baby gets at least 9 months and in the spotlight before the next family baby comes along.

So am I right???

SunniDay · 22/11/2019 15:00

You don't know if it was a difficult pregnancy with worries about the babies health or survival so don't add to their stress.

Arrange to visit in a few weeks but book a couple of rooms in a hotel. Perhaps visiting you or putting you up has become a strain with your family sizes.

No good will come of being offended just welcome the new baby and hope that he or she is well.

Original poster
angrymumof6 · 22/11/2019 15:03

@Ellisandra dp didn’t ask when sil was due, he assumed they were about 20 weeks as they knew the sex. Dp really isn’t like that, he’s always been more than happy to travel to them. He would just like his bro to occasionally make an effort to do like wise. He also doesn’t care about the whole oldest thing but his bro uses that with the 2 youngest bros.

OP posts:
Original poster
angrymumof6 · 22/11/2019 15:06

@SunniDay we never stay the night because of the size of our families. We always keep the visit to about 6/7 hours as it obviously a lot of kids. Plus we don’t want to outstay our welcome

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 22/11/2019 15:07

He’s not more than happy to travel to them though, as you haven’t been at all this year - which is almost a year at least. He only wants to travel if his brother will too. But his brother isn’t bothered. Your husband didn’t care enough to ask about due date or length of pregnancy. Sometimes, families just aren’t that close. That sounds like it’s from both sides here.

Havaina · 22/11/2019 15:07

Might it be the case that some of yours have been born very shortly after some of theirs? If so SIL and BIL may have convinced themselves you are deliberately stealing their thunder and therefore decided to keep this one secret so that their new baby gets at least 9 months and in the spotlight before the next family baby comes along.

I think this is a Western hang-up. My uncle worked in Egypt so I spent some time in NA. I don’t think North Africans think like this, the more kids the merrier.

OP and her DH will know best Grin

Original poster
angrymumof6 · 22/11/2019 15:08

@WhyOhWine l that is not the case. We have similar age children but mine are older. Our youngest is 2 so no chance of us trying to steal their thunder. And some of you will be pleased to know I don’t want anymore

OP posts:
Original poster
angrymumof6 · 22/11/2019 15:09

@Ellisandra he didn’t want to ask about due date as thought it would be rude

OP posts:
northerngirl2012 · 22/11/2019 15:10

Can you suggest that you meet half way in the spring or when the weather is better for all of you? Take a picnic and do a free museum, park, NT place or similar to keep costs down and the visit shorter than 6/7 hours. Cousins get to run around together and adults can catch up a bit?

Ellisandra · 22/11/2019 15:21

@angrymumof6 he’s telling you porkies there I think. A man who has 5 children asking his brother who also has 5 children “lovely news - when is s/he due?” is rude? How exactly is that rude?

I can imagine this:
SIL: you have to tell him, he’s your brother
SIL: did you do it?
BIL: yeah - not interested though, didn’t even ask when it was due
SIL: fuck him then, I see why you can’t be arsed with him, sorry I pushed you.