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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

They didn’t tell us

193 replies

angrymumof6 · 22/11/2019 12:27

I found out last week that sil is pregnant with baby no6. This is good news. This morning my dp found out that she had her baby last night. Everyone else in the family already knew except us.
We both feel really hurt by this and we are wondering what we have done to upset them?
We thought we had a decent relationship if not a very close one. We always make the effort to visit them a few times a year but they never come here, saying we don’t have a garden and it’s too much with 11 kids in total. So we haven’t been this year. And they obviously haven’t come to visit us either. For context my dp is not British and comes from a culture where the younger ones visit the older ones(dp is the oldest).
Aibu to feel upset for both of us or should I just suck it up and suggest we go to see them and the new baby?

OP posts:
GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 22/11/2019 13:15

Yes it was rude- sorry Op. However in this day and age it is unusual and, I think, unnecessary to have 12 children between 2 siblings. That’s a massive strain on the world’s finite resources.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 22/11/2019 13:15

They probably just aren't that into you.
My husband has a brother and apart from pregnancy and birth texts they don't talk.
Now we're both done having children I don't think they'll speak.

No fall out. No bad feelings. Just two very different people who don't have anything in common outside of genetics.

I've asked if he wants to visit. Call. Get in touch and he just shrugs and says not really.

If we are in the area we would call. But we never are.

diddl · 22/11/2019 13:15

Perhaps they thought hat someone else had told you?

I think that you may be looking for slights where there are none.

Just get off your arses & visit when it's convenient to them.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 22/11/2019 13:16

You're clearly not that close so I don't understand why it's a big issue really

underneaththeash · 22/11/2019 13:19

I suspect she just forgot that she hadn't told you...She's got a lot on her plate with 6 children!

I also wouldn't want to have 11 children in one house either - just meet half way for day trip.

diddl · 22/11/2019 13:21

"so I don't understand why it's a big issue really"

Perhaps it's to do with Op's OH being the oldest??!!

GiveHerHellFromUs · 22/11/2019 13:25

@diddl what you mean in terms on the 'respect' thing?

OrangeZog · 22/11/2019 13:27

You say you weren’t close and then go on to say your DP was making a point by not visiting, so I don’t think it’s surprising you weren’t told. Lots of people only announce their pregnancies in person, despite what social media makes out, and letting you know the morning afterwards is a lot sooner than lots of other people find out about their family’s new arrivals.

pictish · 22/11/2019 13:28

“ However in this day and age it is unusual and, I think, unnecessary to have 12 children between 2 siblings.”

Did the OP ask for opinions on how many children she or her sil have?
No? Then why are you chipping in?

pictish · 22/11/2019 13:29

I think they overlooked telling you, quite frankly. Or assumed someone else had and you already knew.

diddl · 22/11/2019 13:30

Yes.

I mean a lot of people might be a bit miffed, but for a sixth pregnancy get over it.

MummytoCSJH · 22/11/2019 13:37

@moccaicecream I think the OP meant they never knew she was pregnant, found out last week and probably assumed they'd told everyone early days in the pregnancy as most do 12+ weeks, but actually she had been pregnant for the last 9 months given that the baby was just born?

So the issue here is that the OP and DH were never told she was pregnant, everyone knew for 8-9 months and never mentioned it. Not the time period between the baby being born and then being told the baby had been born. I agree it's weird if there's no backstory OP.

MummytoCSJH · 22/11/2019 13:41

Also, the visiting thing: people have lives! I suspect that by saying they 'always' visit them, the OP meant that her and DH are the ones who make the effort when visits do happen, not that they visit all the time.

Tinkobell · 22/11/2019 13:43

Is this a reverse and the OP didn't tell?

theEnglishInPatient · 22/11/2019 13:45

I mean a lot of people might be a bit miffed, but for a sixth pregnancy get over it.

how rude and nasty.

Since when is child number 4, 5 or 6 any less important than the first one? I do hope that some of you never have more than 1 child if you think that way.

Original poster
angrymumof6 · 22/11/2019 13:45

@MummytoCSJH it’s exactly that.

OP posts:
Autumntoowet · 22/11/2019 13:46

Wait a minute
I have 6 kids and they had 5 hence the 11 kids.
But you said she was pregnant with her 6th. Oh you mean as from today you have 6 and 6?

I see the AIBU is that you only found out about the pregnancy.
I am not sure OP, I will be totally honest and say I have lost track of whom I have told this time around.

LovePoppy · 22/11/2019 13:48

Everyone saying “get over it”, you’d really not be hurt that your sibling and his wife kept a pregnancy from you? All while texting as normal?

LagunaBubbles · 22/11/2019 13:51

For all the posters criticising OP saying she's no right to find out about the birth right away etc it's not that hard to understand its the pregnancy she's upset not knowing about, not the birth! She only found out about the pregnancy a week ago.

dayslikethese1 · 22/11/2019 13:51

Did she tell you and your DH about being pregnant all the previous times? I think it's weird not to tell a sibling tbh unless there's been a falling out or something (but even then I still would and there have been many fallings out in my family). Very weird for no family members to mention it even though you're in contact.

EmmiJay · 22/11/2019 13:52

Well count back 9 months (?) and add in the fact you've not been to visit (either of you) theres obviously been imaginary tension built up and someones said something to someone else hence why you only just found out about the pregnancy/birth. Make amends and call them, you or DH, if you want to fix it otherwise you're going to drift apart. Thats a shame because nothing beats having a whole network of cousins like all your kids have.

squeaver · 22/11/2019 13:56

When you found out she was pregnant, didn't you ask about the due date?

And in the last 9 months, no other member of the family has mentioned it all..?

It does seem weird and there's only two explanations:

  • everyone assumed you already knew (which you can figure out from the way they told you last week)
  • or, they all kept it from you. And that IS very strange behaviour, no matter what 'cultural' arguments could be made.
Havaina · 22/11/2019 13:57

I’m admittedly a bit tit for tat so I wouldn’t visit them if they make no effort to visit you OP.

Did they visit you when you had your last baby?

Letthemysterybe · 22/11/2019 13:58

To be honest, with 12 children between you (and more from other siblings?) there must be multiple birth announcements every year! I’m not surprised that by the 12th its no longer a big deal.

amihavinganervousbreakdown · 22/11/2019 13:59

Could it be that they assumed you would've know about the pregnancy and didn't mention it - ie didn't congratulate them? Obviously you didn't know but maybe some bad feeling has harboured from that.
I would just ignore the situation and congratulate them tbh, you've both got your hands full and there's likely to have been a miscommunication, or lack of communication. No point in falling out.