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AIBU?

...to think I am a bridesmaid?

195 replies

chouflour · 20/11/2019 23:04

DB is marrying a Canadian woman in Canada next year (they live there). She wants my children (toddler twin DSs and pre-school DD) to walk down the aisle with her and me and DSis to escort them down the aisle. She’s asked us to wear long navy dresses to fit in with the bridal party and to get ready with them in a hotel adjacent to the venue. However, she has excluded us (me, DH, kids, DSis) from the rehearsal dinner (because it’s for the bridal party) and we’re not on the order of service. She says this is because if the kids aren’t in the mood to walk nicely then there’s no obligation. Fine. But my sis (and me a bit) are really hurt at not being in the wedding party but yet being told what to wear and when and where to get ready.

OP posts:
StillCoughingandLaughing · 20/11/2019 23:12

You’re only a bridesmaid if she has asked ‘Will you be my bridesmaid?’ and you said ‘Yes’. There is no obligation to walk down the aisle or do it in navy. I personally think asking you to wear certain clothes to match the wedding party is a bit over the top, but that’s all she’s doing - asking. Why can’t you say no?

chouflour · 20/11/2019 23:16

I should have said. I offered to walk the kids down the aisle wearing outfit of my choice (fine for kids to be in her colour scheme!) and she said she didn’t want that aesthetic.

OP posts:
00100001 · 20/11/2019 23:21

you're not a bridesmaid.
you're a supervisor of small children.

Thehop · 20/11/2019 23:24

Not a bridesmaid

But therefore not obliged to get ready with them which is tedious

GreenTulips · 20/11/2019 23:24

A supervisors made to match the bridal party but not actually in the bridal party

If you have to fly all the way to Canada - I fail to see why you can’t get a dinner invite - that’s extremely rude

Majorcollywobble · 20/11/2019 23:28

It’s a bit peculiar to say the least .I can understand not belong invited to the rehearsal dinner as it might be a bit late for the children .
The idea that you have to get all gussied up in long navy dresses for a walk down the aisle with the DC which may never happen if they don’t co-operate or are too tired on the day is more than an aesthetic- it’s pathetic .
Presumably you’ll be part of all the festivities Including walking down the aisle to take your place in church ? And the reception ?

bridgetreilly · 20/11/2019 23:30

Well, obviously you aren't a bridesmaid. I don't get why you would think you are. Your kid is going to walk down the aisle, but because they are very little, they need a responsible adult to help. That's your role.

I think it's a bit weird of her to tell you what colour to wear for your role, and you certainly don't need to listen to her about where to get ready. You just say politely that you will make sure your daughter is at the wedding venue, in her outfit, in plenty of time.

Palavah · 20/11/2019 23:33

I'm more surprised that as the sister of the groom and out-of-town guests you're not invited to the rehearsal dinner regardless of whether or not you have an official role in the ceremony.
Is it the label that you're concerned about?

stayathomer · 20/11/2019 23:37

I'm sorry, I agree you're not the bridesmaid, but yanbu. I'm eye rolling at the bridezilla for you btw

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 20/11/2019 23:40

Jesus, excluding the groom's siblings from the rehearsal dinner after they've flown to canada from the UK is classless in the extreme. Although I agree with pps that you aren't actually bridesmaids, more supervisors of small cute people, not being at any of the main wedding 'events' given the relationship and distance is very poor indeed.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/11/2019 23:40

Not a bridesmaid. Also not clear on why you think you are.

GreenTulips · 20/11/2019 23:45

The title is irrelevant to the rudeness of your brother and SIL to be

Nanny0gg · 20/11/2019 23:47

Your children are being requested to look pretty/cute in the photos.

I'd decline.

Celticrose · 20/11/2019 23:48

I was at a rehearsal dinner last year with my Dh. I am a close relative of the groom but I was not part of the bridal party. Other close relatives were there also not in the bridal party plus small children. What she is doing is not how rehearsal dinners work. They are also for close family as far as I know.

Boots20 · 20/11/2019 23:50

You're not a bridesmaid, she probably wants you in the same colour as the bridal party for the photos you will be in whilst escorting the kids down the aisle. Just a guess though

Celticrose · 20/11/2019 23:50

I am from the UK and flew out to North America for the wedding

Seeingadistance · 20/11/2019 23:51

What’s a rehearsal dinner?

chouflour · 20/11/2019 23:51

I’m being told what to wear and where to get ready and asked to walk down the aisle with bridal party. Not that dissimilar to bridesmaid!

OP posts:
chardonm · 20/11/2019 23:51

What does your DB say in all this!

SaveTheTreesPlease · 20/11/2019 23:53

She sounds a massive PITA. Good luck to your DB, OP! I’d politely decline.

ShippingNews · 20/11/2019 23:56

You wouldn't need to be at the rehearsal because you're not a bridesmaid. So you don't have to go to the rehearsal dinner.

You're being asked to wear that colour so you fit in with the people who are in the bridal party, I suppose.

I checked a Canadian wedding site and they said this about rehearsal dinner guests -

Who should be invited?

Anyone involved in the preparations, like the wedding party and parents, should be invited to the dinner, but many brides choose to invite out of town guests or additional family members as a thoughtful gesture “It is more common to have a longer guest list these days, which can include extended family, close friends and out of town guests,”

Lindy2 · 20/11/2019 23:58

Will there be any children at the rehearsal dinner? If not are you being deliberately missed off because they don't want your children there for the dinner?

You're not a bridesmaid but you are the groom's sister so it is really rude not to have you at the dinner. Especially as you are travelling so far.

It seems like your children are just required to look nice on the day for photos/cuteness but nothing else.

NoHummus · 20/11/2019 23:59

I think I would withdraw my childrens' services in this situation, OP. Wear what you like and sit with your kids in the audience/congregation, it'll be much less stressful.

plightofthealbatross · 21/11/2019 00:04

I'd actually send my regrets and not attend. Why drag your family across the ocean on an expensive trip to attend your brother's wedding where you've been asked to wear a certain colour to 'blend' with the wedding party ... only you can't attend the rehearsal dinner with family. How unwelcome and unwanted can you be made to feel?! ... You're just there to help with the cute photo op that the bride wants. No thanks.

Talk to your brother if you feel you have to go. Pull the girls out of the wedding, tell him you're hurt, and you'll all be wearing clothes of your own choosing since you've been made to feel this way. He's let you down by allowing his fiancee to treat you this way.

SeaToSki · 21/11/2019 00:12

I think it is extremely off for her to not invite you to the rehearsal dinner whether you are officially a bridesmaid or even a whipper-in of the infantry. You will have flown to Canada with 3 dc just for her wedding, the least she can do is feed you on the night before the wedding. Having lived in the US for over 20 yrs, I dont know of anyone who has not included close family at the rehearsal dinner, let alone family that has flown thousands of miles. The rehearsal dinner is never just for the wedding party, its for family and close friends who have arrived the night before. A lovely warm up for the main event with nice food and a relaxed atmosphere. It allows the people from the bride and groom’s families to get to know each other a bit in a less formal setting.

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