...to think I am a bridesmaid?

[chouflour]

DB is marrying a Canadian woman in Canada next year (they live there). She wants my children (toddler twin DSs and pre-school DD) to walk down the aisle with her and me and DSis to escort them down the aisle. She’s asked us to wear long navy dresses to fit in with the bridal party and to get ready with them in a hotel adjacent to the venue. However, she has excluded us (me, DH, kids, DSis) from the rehearsal dinner (because it’s for the bridal party) and we’re not on the order of service. She says this is because if the kids aren’t in the mood to walk nicely then there’s no obligation. Fine. But my sis (and me a bit) are really hurt at not being in the wedding party but yet being told what to wear and when and where to get ready.

You are not wearing the colour scheme as you are a bridesmaid, you are wearing a long navy dress so when the photographer zooms in on your children as they walk down the aisle your legs don't look out of place.

You are getting ready with them becuase your children are in the bridal party and the bride doesn't want to have to take care of them, not becuase you are a bridesmaid.

You are not invited to the evening meal and rehearsal becuase you have young children and your SIL assumed they might not be happy to sit through the rehearsal. If you message and say your children will be well behaved and won't be running around and taking over I'm sure they will extend an invite to you all. She probably just wants an evening without children and stress before her wedding!

Very rude especially if you are flying in from the U.K.. kids need a rehearsal more than adults so they aren't scared of the space. That said I don't get rehearsal dinners, strange American thing, I didn't have a rehearsal because I know how to walk in a straight line already

So bloody rude!

Just to add in terms of having the children in the bridal party.

Surely it's more like the brother wanted them in the wedding and she's accomodating them? I honestly don't know any bride who wanted children in their wedding just to be cute? They need to have some connection or you would be stuck with random children on photos around your house for life!

Well she has a shock coming if she just wants your kids to add cute to the wedding.

I had 4 bridesmaids under 5. They added so much cute DH and I are roundly upstaged in every photo to the extent we regretted having the blighters there.

Cute is a risky strategy.

so when the photographer zooms in on your children as they walk down the aisle your legs don't look out of place

On the end of her body ? Usual place for legs ? Good grief, he’s not going for an Oscar for cinematography

I 1 - wouldn't be letting my kids used as accessories like this 2 - if they were like fuck would I be forking out for an outfit to 'blend' with the bridesmaids and 3 - would be having words with my brother over travelling for 9 hours and then being excluded from a rehearsal dinner. How bloody rude!

They are not rsndom chdren with no connection though. They are your nieces or Nephews.
I would tell your db how upset you are as it is down to him too.

what's a rehearsal dinner I'm sure if you really try you could possibly work it out?

i don’t get all the hate against the bride. She picked her adult bridesmaids (as Mumsnet is keen to stress she allowed)
Wanting to include the grooms family she offered up the children - you offered to walk them and she said fine but follow the colour scheme

It’s the rehearsal dinner that is odd but ask your brother it should traditionally be him as the groom that hosts it as to why you aren’t invited (are your parents?) but don’t be offended if the children aren’t these are not child friendly events

So, you're flying yourself and your family to Canada to attend your brothers wedding and you're not being included in the rehearsal dinner??? Are you one of 12 kids or something? Otherwise, that's strange.
You're also not a bridesmaid. You're a bridezilla's child herder.

Weddings are a minefield of expectations and hurt feelings aren't they? Very difficult to kick up about the arrangements without upsetting the bride and groom, no matter how unreasonable and thoughtless they are being. Are you prepared to make a stand about your brother's wedding and the potential long-standing repercussions?

I do hope you and your sister's family intend to make a thoroughly good holiday out of your visit. Canada is a very beautiful country and I would be making the most of it. Find somewhere special to go when they have their 'bridal party' dinner.

I'd do your own thing and smile.
Bridezilla alert.
Having travelled all that way it's important you enjoy DB's day too.

I wouldn't be flying to Canada for this shit.

You are not a bridesmaid.

You could decline to wear navy - maybe say you'd already chosen your outfit. But, it's navy, not pink taffeta. Don't you have other uses for a smart navy dress?

Traditionally the groom's family hosts the rehearsal dinner (a counter to the bride's family traditionally paying for the wedding). Quite possibly not the case and all funded and hosted by the couple themselves. You could discreetly ask your brother about this.

But, the dinner is likely to be a late evening, grown-up, formal dinner. Why would you want to take tiny children to that?

They're trying to include your family by including your children. (The children may or may not enjoy it on the day but I bet they'll look back on the photos fondly later). You've been asked to wear navy (neutral, useful, re-wearable colour). All sounds fine to me. Say yes, or say no.

Certainly, make the most of your holiday - and it would be lovely if your brother is able to spend a bit of time with you but, that will depend on so much else.

You are not a bridesmaid.

Or, your 'middle way' option is to suggest that their bridesmaids escort your children. Your decision on whether that would be likely to work.

Let's see:
1 - they included your family by asking if your children want to be flower children - which is a nice gesture
2 - she kindly asked if the female member of her fiance's family want to get ready with her. That is a big deal in most American and Canadian weddings, it is like welcoming you to the family
3 - you inserted yourself by suggesting it might be best if you walk them down the aisle - which is also a nice gesture but the one that started to make this complicated
4 - The bride kindly accommodated that request - possibly thinking you suggested it because you are not comfortable for a bridesmaid to walk with them - and suggested to do it with you and DSis. Also very kind and welcoming
5 - She asked (=you can refuse) if you could wear a certain colour because she wants her wedding to look a certain way. More effort than you would have liked but again, remember for context: American and Canadian brides are often expected to tell their mother and groom's mother what colour and style to wear. This really isn't too crazy and I am surprised you did not think of this when suggesting you walk with the children.
6 - They didn't invite you to the rehearsal dinner for a rehearsal that is unlikely to include kids and therefore you.

Rehearsal dinners are paid by the bride and groom these days - traditionally by the groom's parents - which means in your case you + DH + 3 kids + DSis+ potentially DSis partner = 7 more people who will not actually have been to the rehearsal. Three of whom are kids who should be in bed early so they don't go crazy the next day. Yes, it is nice if they can afford to pay for out of town guests but not everybody can.

This situation is the result of a suggestion you made. Did you make it to be welcoming and helpful? Or did you make it because you wanted a bigger role than 'just' "sister of the groom" on the wedding day?

Honestly, it sounds a little as if you were miffed to not be a bridesmaid and now you are looking for a way to 'pay her back' by pulling your children from the ceremony.

Oh and I'm aware via friends in Canada that it's normal for bridesmaids there to buy their own dresses. They're still told exactly what dress to buy but they pay for it.

Still desperate to be a bridesmaid?

They need to have some connection or you would be stuck with random children on photos around your house for life!

Some connection?
Random children?

Nieces and nephews of the groom?! Who we assume will also live in the house for life.

Or is this random Canadian marrying herself and living alone for ever more?

Hadn't read that you 'offered'

Of course you aren't a BM

remember for context: American and Canadian brides are often expected to tell their mother and groom's mother what colour and style to wear. This really isn't too crazy and I am surprised you did not think of this when suggesting you walk with the children

Yes, it’s crazy, it really is. Being told what to wear as a MOB !! That is so tacky faux showbiz nonsense, not a lovely family occasion. The groom’s mother did ask me what colour I intended to wear at my DDs wedding , so we didn’t look like bookends, I suppose but since we had very different colouring and style that was never going to be a problem .

I think OP you really do need to remember a lot of these things are cultural - it may seem like we are very similar but there are differences and weddings are one

AlmostChristmas2019 is right traditionally this would be a Groom Parents hosting event that they pay for. And now it is

It is interesting though that SHE has excluded you from it - what about your brother. They are clearly trying to get her family/Canadian traditions in whilst dealing with his family from the UK. Are you parents going and who is paying? If they are have you thought about them paying for the meal for you (and children would not be there given the formal nature of the affair who would babysit)

I’ll go against the grain and say that as you are getting ready with them, dressing in what the bride has asked for and walking down the aisle with her, then you are as good as bridesmaid.
You have a job supporting the bride in accompanying and dressing to the specifics of the bridal party.Thats as much as any bridesmaid does on the day surely?

I’d tell them they can’t have neices and nephews unless one of the” real” bridesmaids looks after them. See how that goes.

I think if you can't wear what you want then you can't escort them down the aisle.

It's not usual for mums/aunts to escort kids down is it-unless they are bmaids?

It sounds like she wants you camouflaged so you can keep the children in line without standing out as you walk down the aisle. Like a puppeteer bring dressed in black. You definitely aren't a bridesmaid.

I wouldn't object to this personally, but I'd expect her to pay for the navy outfit. Also I'd expect to be able to change into my own clothes once the escorting duty had been done.