Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

...to think I am a bridesmaid?

195 replies

chouflour · 20/11/2019 23:04

DB is marrying a Canadian woman in Canada next year (they live there). She wants my children (toddler twin DSs and pre-school DD) to walk down the aisle with her and me and DSis to escort them down the aisle. She’s asked us to wear long navy dresses to fit in with the bridal party and to get ready with them in a hotel adjacent to the venue. However, she has excluded us (me, DH, kids, DSis) from the rehearsal dinner (because it’s for the bridal party) and we’re not on the order of service. She says this is because if the kids aren’t in the mood to walk nicely then there’s no obligation. Fine. But my sis (and me a bit) are really hurt at not being in the wedding party but yet being told what to wear and when and where to get ready.

OP posts:

strawberry2017 · 24/11/2019 16:40

I always thought rehearsal dinners were for the families to meet before the wedding 🤷‍♀️

lottiegarbanzo · 24/11/2019 17:50

@HappyGoLuckyLuLu

lottiegarbanzo the grooms' parents paid £10k to go toward wedding/house deposit/whatever was needed! Suspect that would more than cover the dinner...

Yes it would... If they or their son offered to use some of it to pay for the rehearsal dinner - but, it would seem, they haven't!!!

According to local tradition, if the bride's parents have paid for the wedding (they have), then the groom's parents are supposed to host and pay for the rehearsal dinner.

They have failed to do so. No bloody wonder the bride's family is feeling miffed! They're having their own little post-rehearsal dinner - but now SIL-zillas OP and her sister want to muscle in on that and want the bride's family to 'invite them' i.e. pay for them, once again!

In the meantime, who knows where the £10k has gone.

lottiegarbanzo · 24/11/2019 17:55

It is eminently resolvable though - if OP's brother and her parents were to offer to pay for the rehearsal dinner with part of that £10k. then they could invite who they like and all could be well.

If it's not too late for that.

I do think OP's brother has been really lazy and let everybody down here. He needed to find out what the Canadian norm and his fiance's family's expectations were, agree a course of action with his fiance and communicate this to his parents.

Quartz2208 · 24/11/2019 18:02

I agree lottiegarbanzo I think its the brother who simply hasnt bothered. OP hasnt answered if he/best man are going as it could be a bridal party event as well for her side

starfishmummy · 24/11/2019 18:11

Unless all guests are being asked to tie into a specific colour scheme then it is a bit CF territory

And asking all guests to wear a colour scheme isn't CF territory??

starfishmummy · 24/11/2019 18:20

How do people who live in another country and have different traditions
A know what they are expected to do unless the couple talknto them about it and
B organize and host a dinner in a foreign country without help from the bride or her family who actually who live there.

And while they may not have said heres 10k use some for the rehearsal dinner (that they didnt know was a thing they were supposed to host) surely the groom could use some of the money for that!

cakewench · 25/11/2019 00:15

I have to agree, the lack of invitation to the rehearsal dinner would wind me up as well. I'm originally from the US, I can't claim to speak for the entire region but the few times I've come from overseas to a wedding, I've been invited to the rehearsal dinner. I realise the tradition started because of the actual rehearsal aspect, but it's really become a pre-wedding evening do. It's nice because then you have a casual situation where you can meet the randoms from the 'other side'.

If you've got a good amount of family and friends going over, why not organise your own dinner outing? (Just typing that feels sad though; it's a lost opportunity to socialise with the new side of the family and you're all going to have spent a lot of time and money getting over there)

cakewench · 25/11/2019 00:18

And his parents aren't invited? That's genuinely bizarre, I'm sorry. Can you imagine this if roles were reversed? Bride's family not invited? Of course not (barring them being estranged or something) Your brother hasn't even tried to get you involved, I'm guessing.

Effiedg · 25/11/2019 03:05

This sounds terrible. You are flying over to Canada and you and your family are not invited to go the dinner. It sounds very much like your children are being used for the cuteness factor and that's it. Apart from that you and your family are being excluded from a meaningful part of the proceedings and one where you could all become better aquainted.

Durgasarrow · 26/11/2019 13:48

This is new information. Your brother and your parents have screwed this up. It is up to your parents to host the rehearsal dinner. If your brother didn't let them know about this tradition, that's on him. They should have been responsible for planning it, inviting guests, working with the bride, etc. This could be done even long distance--there is this thing called the internet! So your brother is a dick and you can stop calling your poor sister-in-law a bridezilla.

Winterdaysarehere · 26/11/2019 14:25

Book another table at the same place. When the bill comes tell the waiter the other table is covering it..

tillytrotter1 · 27/11/2019 07:45

Why do people think that they can dictate what guests wear just to give her something matching for Facebook? If she wants you in a particular colour she should pay, otherwise orange would be good.

Troels · 27/11/2019 08:36

This would not be correct in the US, so I'm assuming same in Canada.
Rehersal dinnner is for the bridal party and out of town family who have flown in for the wedding. I met all sort of distant rellies at Sil's.
My Sil's Rehersal dinner had 30 people in it, including me as my Dh was a groomsman, and I was her Sil, so considered close enough to be included.

GorkyMcPorky · 29/11/2019 17:37

How is her brother supposed to know about this tradition if it hasn't been pointed out? No gender stereotyping needed: this separation between money towards the wedding and money for the rehearsal dinner is fucking stupid. Had they known, OP's parents could have withheld half of their contribution and used it for the dinner.

OhTheTastyNuts · 29/11/2019 17:40

When my SIL got married, my DS was a paige boy. I walked him down the aisle, wearing a dress that matched the colour scheme. I wasn't a bridesmaid and didn't expect to be treated as one!

billy1966 · 29/11/2019 19:06

OP, this is down to your brother.

There is absolutely no point in getting upset about this and allowing it to cause upset within the family without first establishing exactly what the tradition is and what you and your parents would like to happen.

I think for there to be a dinner and his parents/siblings not included is quite dreadful.

For there not to be children at it, is fine.
When you don't have children, it is perfectly acceptable not to wish to be interested in including them.

That's certainly how I felt before I had them. Zero interest.

Spell it out clearly to your brother if he is as obtuse as he appears to be.

Some men are slow and like to play the "I didn't know" card. Conveniently!

Do not allow him to do that.
Spell it out so that he knows exactly what his parents were hoping for.

Be flexible about the children.

Personally I would buy and wear exactly what I wanted and have one of the bridal party walk the children down the aisle.

Wishing you the best.💐

Penelopeschat · 29/11/2019 19:18

YANBU I can completely see why you think your a Bridesmaid and whether you are or aren’t she is completely unreasonable and rude. Spending thousands to go to her wedding you should absolutely be at rehearsal dinner. You are being snubbed. Reversal dinner in Canada is bridal party and family. I’ve been to 5 Canadian weddings.

PippiDeLena · 29/11/2019 19:47

Have you already bought your flights Chou ? If not, this might be a good time to decline the invitation. Why spend thousands going over there just to be treated like lepers?

I cannot believe neither you nor the groom's parents are invited to the rehearsal dinner! So gauche. (But please keep us updated with any further Bridezillaness!)

DeathStare · 29/11/2019 20:03

I think your DPs need to send your DB an email/message that says...

"We weren't aware that it was the responsibility of the groom family to specifically host the rehearsal dinner. So sorry about that we really didn't realise. Given the circumstances please use what you need out of the 10K we gave you to pay for the rehearsal dinner and we will host. Use the rest of the money however you wish. Feel free to plan the rehearsal dinner however you like, just let us know where we and your sisters and their families will be sitting and what you need us to do"

Brefugee · 29/11/2019 20:23

Yes, it's a cultural/communication issue. No point blaming one set of people or the other; they are both operating in foreign cultures. I reckon because we expect UK/Canada to be the same this wouldn't have been expected so currently both sets of family offended

the actual wedding thing - meh. Wear what you want and get ready where you want.
As for the rehearsal dinner I fail to see how it's cultural - it is downright insulting and rude not to invite the groom's parents. In their position I'd be having words with my son about his notions of normal politeness and courtesy.
And I'd be wanting my 10k back too

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8