...to think I am a bridesmaid?

[chouflour]

DB is marrying a Canadian woman in Canada next year (they live there). She wants my children (toddler twin DSs and pre-school DD) to walk down the aisle with her and me and DSis to escort them down the aisle. She’s asked us to wear long navy dresses to fit in with the bridal party and to get ready with them in a hotel adjacent to the venue. However, she has excluded us (me, DH, kids, DSis) from the rehearsal dinner (because it’s for the bridal party) and we’re not on the order of service. She says this is because if the kids aren’t in the mood to walk nicely then there’s no obligation. Fine. But my sis (and me a bit) are really hurt at not being in the wedding party but yet being told what to wear and when and where to get ready.

Oh wow. They're being very rude to your parents!

There is definitely a rehearsal dinner and my side of the family is definitely not invited! We asked in a group chat about plans for the night before expecting that we would do something together and he said there’s a rehearsal dinner but it’s only for the bridal party. DSis said “well Chouf’s DC are in the bridal party and me and Chouf are walking them down the aisle!” DBro said he would check with SIL then later confirmed we weren’t invited.

We’ve met SIL several times. Thought we’d got on really well! Also met her parents. They always send cards/gifts for my DC. Finding the whole thing very odd.

Sounds like you'll all be as welcome as a fart in a space suit. Surely it's not 'tradition' to have obviously bad manners when relatives have flown in for the wedding. It's beyond rude, and even if there's been some confusion regarding who pays for the meal (10k aside 😒). They could have suggested a rehearsal dinner with all family attending and everyone pays for themselves.

I'm surprised her parents wre going with it

You’re not a bridesmaid.

As you are unhappy with the situation I would just dress however you want and do the same with your children, then on the day explain they weren’t up for walking behind her.

Is he going to it?

The more you write, OP, the more I think don't bother going. If your DB has no voice now, you will not see him post wedding, anyway.

It sounds like your DC have been invited to walk down the isle for appearances sake or because your DB has said it's important to him and that SIL isn't bothered outside of that.

I’ve watched a few American (granted) weddings and they often have somebody that’s not a bridesmaid walking children down the aisle

The rehearsal dinner is another kettle of fish

Suggest to your dB he organises a family meal for your all

Of course you are not a bridesmaid! Bridesmaids have responsibilities and you live on a different continent. Will you be throwing her a shower? A bachelorette party? No. You will also be too busy looking after your children. But she is still trying to include you in her wedding which I think is a great compromise. What more do you want??

Yes ask 'D'B to make you a reservation at an amazing local restaurant (if you can find a good one) for you DSis, DP & DC - you may as well make the most of a shitty situation to treat yourselves & have a nice family meal out, see some sights etc. He should be feeling sheepish/ashamed frankly to have you all travel such a long way to then not have you all be included in this dinner. Enjoy!

Whatever you do, don’t fall out with your future daughter in law or her family. Grin and bear it, the long term happiness of your whole family is at stake. Enjoy the wedding if not the rehearsal dinner.

Sorry, future daughter in law should read future sister in law.

Your SIL, rightly or wrongly, is dictating what you wear and that you walk your children down the isle. But no, you're not a bridesmaid. It's up to you what to do about that that it is what it is.

Your family should organize a meal for yourselves.
I would get a navy dress, chose one you would wear again.
Their traditions are normal there so ye probably need to suck it up for a few days.

Bloody weddings they’re becoming more hassle with every generation.

Fuck me. A rehearsal dinner should include the brides and grooms parents. Yes, traditionally the grooms parents host it and it typically includes the bridal party, out of town guests and whomever else they want.

As your parents are from out of town they wouldn’t be expected to host but would still be invited! How rude to not invite them and yourself and your family.

Your parents “donated” 10k towards the wedding/house or whatever the wedding couple decided. It’s a total snub to not be invited to the rehearsal dinner. As your children are part of the bridal party they and their parents should be invited.

You are right to be miffed. They are going against traditional wedding ways.

I am Canadian, have had a Canadian wedding and gone to others. The way they are doing it is so wrong. It will hurt feelings and may cause family rifts.

Sounds like her parents feel snubbed by your parents failing to arrange a rehearsal dinner, so have done their own thing - which therefore isn't really a 'rehearsal dinner', it's their family's dinner following the rehearsal.

The idea that you and your family are expecting to be invited to a 'rehearsal dinner' hosted by SIL's family, who are already paying for the wedding... is therefore a massive, greedy, entitled faux pas on your and your parents' parts (albeit a consequence of your parents' lack of understanding of Canadian traditions).

I think your parents need to speak to your brother and offer to pay for the rehearsal dinner, pronto.

"northernknickers Thu 21-Nov-19 06:49:48
Not a chance in hell would I be attending that wedding after being so badly treated!! The bride sounds incredibly vain and selfish...making you 'blend jn' and bend to her demands, whilst treating you this way, shows how graceless and self-absorbed and lacking in social awareness she is.

Don't go! Problem solved 🤷‍♀️"

That's not very sensible advice, it's her brother who's getting married. I bet, like most men, he's opted for the easy way out and has left everything to her. From the sounds of it, their 'bridal party' dinner is only for B&G, groomsmen and bridesmaids. Every wedding is different, some customs are often observed and others ignored or they start a new custom. Try to enjoy your brother's happy occasion and make the most of your holiday in beautiful Canada. See how things turn out after the wedding fuss has died away, you might get on well with your new SiL. Worth a go?

And I'm afraid I think your brother has let you down by opting out of arrangements entirely, so not even bothering to find out what normal local expectations are of the groom's parents, when the bride's parents are paying for the wedding.

That's not very grown-up of him.

@lottiegarbanzo the grooms' parents paid £10k to go toward wedding/house deposit/whatever was needed! Suspect that would more than cover the dinner...

Yes, it's a cultural/communication issue. No point blaming one set of people or the other; they are both operating in foreign cultures. I reckon because we expect UK/Canada to be the same this wouldn't have been expected so currently both sets of family offended. Your brother should have sorted this out. As he hasn't, if I were your mum i would be very gently prodding the bride's parents to see what expectations are and to communicate hers.

You flying all the way to Canada and not even invited to the rehearsal dinner? WOW! What a cheek! If your DB does not see the error in this I would not even think about going over. I am assuming you live in the UK?

Bridesmaid or guest it does not matter! You are family!