Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think I am a bridesmaid?

195 replies

chouflour · 20/11/2019 23:04

DB is marrying a Canadian woman in Canada next year (they live there). She wants my children (toddler twin DSs and pre-school DD) to walk down the aisle with her and me and DSis to escort them down the aisle. She’s asked us to wear long navy dresses to fit in with the bridal party and to get ready with them in a hotel adjacent to the venue. However, she has excluded us (me, DH, kids, DSis) from the rehearsal dinner (because it’s for the bridal party) and we’re not on the order of service. She says this is because if the kids aren’t in the mood to walk nicely then there’s no obligation. Fine. But my sis (and me a bit) are really hurt at not being in the wedding party but yet being told what to wear and when and where to get ready.

OP posts:
saraclara · 21/11/2019 00:21

She's basically hiring your kids to add cute to her wedding.

Is there an actual rehearsal before the rehearsal dinner? Don't you and your kids need to be part of that rehearsal?

Elbowedout · 21/11/2019 00:21

You are the groom's close family and you are travelling thousands of miles with several small children which sounds like it will be both stressful and expensive, but you don't merit an invitation to the rehearsal dinner? Is she expecting you to take the children to the rehearsal?
Plus it sounds like she wants you and your sister to behave like bridesmaids when it suits her but she doesn't want to have to buy your dresses. Sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it. If she just wants you to supervise the children in the Church then you should be able to wear what you want and get ready where you want. If she is dictating what you wear etc then you should be treated the same as the existing bridesmaids. Failing that, one of them can supervise the children or the children should not be in the bridal party. She is treating the youngsters as accessories and you and your sister as servants. It is rude.

dreichwinter · 21/11/2019 00:24

You aren't a bridesmaid or close to it.
But
She is being bloody rude not inviting you to the rehearsal dinner. As close family and people with wedding roles and people who have traveled a long way.
I would be seriously pissed at that.

Chloemol · 21/11/2019 00:25

Why don’t you just say that your children are too young to do this, will be tired after the journey etc and just go to the wedding as guests. That’s what I would do

EstebanTheMagnificent · 21/11/2019 00:31

It would be usual to invite immediate family such as the groom’s sister to the rehearsal dinner, as it would to invite guests who are travelling a long way. OP should qualify twice over for the rehearsal dinner.

Expressedways · 21/11/2019 00:33

Rude as fuck to not invite the groom’s sister to the rehearsal dinner, especially given the distance you’re coming and then to dictate what you have to wear and where you have to get ready. She sounds like a complete bridezilla and your brother is spineless for allowing this. Personally I’d sack of the whole thing but to your original point, you’re clearly not a bridesmaid.

Inertia · 21/11/2019 00:33

She's trying to have it both ways- she wants your children to provide cute factor, and for you and your children to comply with her themes, but isn't willing to be inclusive.

You're not in the bridal party- she's been explicit about this- so as she isn't providing an outfit, wear what you want and get ready where you like. Children can wear the chosen outfits and either walk up the aisle with your supervision or not- would they walk with one of the actual bridesmaids if directed by one parent towards the other parent? It sounds like she is just paying lip service to having your brother's family involved.

It seems a bit rude to deliberately exclude family membes who have travelled thousands of miles from the rehearsal dinner. What's your brother's take on it?

Grumpelstilskin · 21/11/2019 00:37

She sounds like a rude cunt.

Purpleartichoke · 21/11/2019 00:39

You are the sibling of the groom and traveling from far away. That should warrant an invite to the rehearsal dinner.

But yes, you are the herder of small children, not a bridesmaid.

Cuteypye · 21/11/2019 00:57

Think bride is being very unfair. I presume this trip is costing you a lot of money, what with travel and accommodation, wedding gift and the added expense of having to buy a long dress in the bride’s choice of colour. I wouldn’t say you were being asked to be a bridesmaids, but think that this (and the fact she wants you to get ready for the wedding with her) would certainly class you as part of the bridal party. Does she not want both you, ds and the children at the rehearsal so you all know where to go? She’s being pretty mean and unwelcoming not inviting you to the rehearsal dinner, especially when you will have traveled so far to attend.

Think I would just say that you will walk the children down the aisle, but you’re buying an outfit of your choice and if she isn’t happy with that then you will withdraw the children from being attendants.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/11/2019 01:08

I'm in the US and maybe it's different in Canada. The Rehearsal Dinner here traditionally is for the people who must take part in the rehearsal, although I know that nowadays other people, such as out of town guests, are sometimes included.

I think if your children are required to take part in the rehearsal then you should be included as you would also have to be there to escort them up the aisle. If the bride is not requesting your children to take part in the wedding rehearsal, then no, you shouldn't expect to be invited.

Countryescape · 21/11/2019 01:24

Wow that is extremely rude not to ask you to the rehearsal dinner. Id decline for you and the kids. She can get some other mug to wrangle some children for the day.

ittakes2 · 21/11/2019 01:41

You are not a bridesmaid or in the bridal party but your children are. Regardless I can see why you would be hurt.

Creepster · 21/11/2019 01:51

Shockingly bad behavior on the part of the bride.

dontgobaconmyheart · 21/11/2019 02:16

I don't think i'd care tbh OP- you're quite literally not in the bridal party. Is the rehearsal dinner adults only? Do you know her well?

At the end of the day your brother agreed to it so I don't get why the blame lies with this woman, let alone calling her names like some on here areConfused. If you don't like it OP; don't do it- you're the obvious choice to walk the kids down the aisle as their mother, that isn't even approaching being in the bridal party.

She's invited you to get ready with them, told you vaguely what to wear, included your other sibling also. It's hardly the worst behaviour going. Would you be annoyed about having an outfit request made of you if you were actually a bridesmaid? If not then YABU- either do it or don't or ask another relative to walk the kids down the aisle.

HUZZAH212 · 21/11/2019 02:23

I'm surprised she didn't ask you and Dsis to wear invisibility cloaks to be honest. No you're not part of the wedding party other than guiding the children down the aisle.

BellyButton85 · 21/11/2019 02:34

She probably doesn't want small children at the dinner rehearsal and that's her choice (and probably not dissimilar to what I'd choose) but then she can't tell you and you sister what colour to wear. Tell her either you dress in your own choice or your children won't be walking down the aisle with her to make the photos (cute) because that's all she's doing. Brother or not, I wouldn't be flying to Canada for this bullshit

LimeRedBanana · 21/11/2019 02:35

You're travelling from the UK to Canada to attend your DB's wedding, and you're not even invited to the rehearsal dinner??

What the..? Shock

You have a DB problem. Tell him to strap on a pair, and stick up for you!

blubelle7 · 21/11/2019 02:46

Your DB is not cool for letting you be sidelined especially after you will be travelling long haul flights at your expense with young children to attend. They could at least invite you to dinner

HUZZAH212 · 21/11/2019 02:49

Have you been asked to buy page boy style outfits for the boys, and a flower girl one for Dd? I think that would annoy me more with the comment of they don't have to be included (if they don't behave). It's extra money to spend on both yourself and the kids in that case. If it was me I'd probably buy a matching long navy dress to Dsis in the most bridesmaid style we could find. Possibly petty but still... 😂

HUZZAH212 · 21/11/2019 02:51

If you can both outdo the actual bridesmaids then you win extra points.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/11/2019 04:32

I can understand your upset but not why she is the only focus. The groom has a 50% part in this decision and he is your brother. As for the meal, the time may be too late for your children anyway especially with the time difference out there.

HUZZAH212 · 21/11/2019 04:49

I think the problem is that OP's DB possibly couldn't care less if her and Dsis choose to rock up in fluorescent pink or bin bags on the day. It's clearly the new SIL whose informed OP that both her and Dsis aren't members of the actual wedding party (fair enough not an issue at all), but has dictated the colour and style of their outfits for the day. Unless all guests are being asked to tie into a specific colour scheme then it is a bit CF territory. 'I expect you to buy a new outfit to the brief of my choice, as well as your children, but I may or may not decide to have you accompany me down the aisle. Dependant on my whim on the day'. Personally I'd be a bit wtf?! The children being too young to attend the dinner is a red herring. It's more a case of I want your kids (on standby) to be part of the wedding ceremony if it suits me.

herbie01 · 21/11/2019 04:59

Just to clarify - who would be paying for the children's outfits and your navy dresses?

Durgasarrow · 21/11/2019 05:42

Bridesmaids typically have other obligations, don't they? Such as going to horrible hen parties?

Swipe left for the next trending thread